Fatty Tries AGAIN

the fight

2011-08-13T18:35:00.003-05:00

20 lbs down. Things are slow but well. Still feeling focused and I've been working out quite consistently. 30 minutes of cardio or weights or both. Sometimes a 3.5 mile walk or a bike ride where I live on sunny days. Not necessarily challenging myself, but at least I'm trying?

And it's so darn hard to cut out carbs completely. And summer time is always the hardest time for me. The heat. The lack of motivation to cook. The Alcohol. But 20 lbs in four months is pretty decent, even though if I followed it strictly, I'd probably weigh A LOT less by now.

Lately I've been feeling the sense of loss, like that feeling in the pit of my stomach when I don't get to eat something I want. Like the other day I passed up a buffalo chicken quesadilla, all hot and cheesy. I had a buffalo chicken salad instead and it was good but still.... That longing for "normal" eating, like how everyone else gets to.

I suppose this is how it will go. Forever. All over again. Healthy in, healthy out.

fatty is trying

2011-06-27T20:28:00.002-05:00

I am doing relatively well.

Down about 15 lbs and still going. I cheat occasionally- a piece of bread here, spoon fulls of Adam's rice or pasta, but sticking to the diet and going with the ups and down. I'm debating on whether or not to drop another $300 for month #4 or try to go out on my own. I feel positive, but I don't want to rely on this food forever, plus it's boring after awhile.

I'm going to the gym and working out, weights and 30 mins of cardio at a clip. On sunny days, I walk around my "block" which is 3.5 miles.

ALSO- I got tired of feeling sorry for myself so I joined a women's rugby team, and will be practicing on Tues/Thurs. Rugby is very physically demanding, but the alcohol typically consumed after games will be tricky to navigate. I don't have to worry about that until fall though.

doing this

2011-06-06T19:07:00.002-05:00

Down 12-13 lbs on medifast. Joined a gym. Last post was on phone and it didn't go through.

Things are going well, I've been making excellent dinners using just veggies and meat (or meatless options!) and Adam has been really supportive.

How are YOU doing?

you cant be burnt out if you werent on fire

2011-05-20T18:09:00.002-05:00

food for thinking

2011-04-12T20:44:00.004-05:00

I am tired of eating.

A few weeks ago, I brought fancy new customized sneakers. I have gone walk/jogging a few times and I am enjoying it very much. I downloaded a cool application that talks to me and shares my progress during the activity. I like this.

I don't like eating.

After much debate in my mind and more research and almost a year, I decided to purchase MEDIFAST. It should be here soon. I feel like a cheater, but I'm just really at a loss of what else to try/do. Was contemplating Overeaters Anonymous, but the meetings are too far. I am rationalizing that I will lose weight, jumpstart myself and maintain whatever I lose.

Wishful thinking, but sometimes desperate times call for chocolate vitamin milkshakes.

I am just done with leaning on food to help me feel better. I am finished with impulsive eating. I need to STOP! and THINK! when food is around, but my willpower is lacking. I know what things taste like, I have access to things but I still feel this rush sometimes when I'm eating.

It needs to stop.

I am going to work on changing my relationship with food completely. Maybe this is the push I need to get it changing.

can i?

2011-03-27T11:13:00.002-05:00

I have found something I'm slightly excited about.

Walkjogging! I have been going outside to get some movement in for a few weeks now, and yesterday I bought special sneakers and new supportive bras to get going. It's something I think I can commit to.

The first time, I walked about 2 miles. Last weekend, I walk-jogged 3.5 miles. Yesterday I got a little over 4 miles in. It feels like an accomplishment to me and on my own terms. I can walk as long as I want to and with the weather getting nicer, I have time to do it after work. PLUS- it's one thing I can do in the middle of nowhere. PLUS PLUS-it's less expensive than joining a gym.

It counts as long I'm making effort to move my ass!

Quickie update:

2011-02-06T10:33:00.002-05:00

Since Jan 15th I have lost 6.2 pounds. I joined WW at Work, which means my employer pays half of 12 week tuition for the program. It's run by a colleague and it's held every Wednesday morning in the cafeteria, which is waaayy more convenient than shlepping around to find a random meeting around here. Morning is also good because I weigh less in the AM :-)

I have seriously written down everything I've been eating and am starting to feel better about my choices. More fruit! More veggies! More healthy protein! Actually thinking about things BEFORE I put them into my face. Weighing all options. Getting support from my fiancee.

I still have the bursitis in my shoulders, that flares up when it's precipitating or about to...which in upstate NY is every other day at this point. I also was seriously out of breath yesterday walking up a slight hill in the snow.

I have made a commitment to myself. When I hit 10 pounds down, I will spring for the fancy gym membership at the local Y. You may think: why isn't she joining now to lose the weight? I agree with you, reader, but I want to start by getting my body re accustomed to the smaller portions before I start seriously exercising. This way I won't need to over eat or compensate for calories expended. Plus, I want to reward myself for 10 lbs down of eating healthy, proving to myself that I can do this. In my defense, I am going to try to incorporate some at home DVDs and the P90X sessions that I like. TRY.

small victories and minor setback.

2011-01-24T17:56:00.003-05:00

Forgot to update because I went home this weekend.

Things have been going swell. I lost 1 pound exactly (small victory) and tracked all items I ate (small victory) although I'm still not doing as hot with exercise (minor setback). I am more mindful now of the feelings I'm feeling when I eat, which I realize for me, is VERY important. Last week for example, there were cookies at the luncheon at work. I took 2, one chocolate chip and 1 double chocolate. I didn't want a 3rd, didn't need the 3rd, but when I was grabbing some to bring to the office, I ate a 3rd(minor setback). So I wrote it down, counted it, and moved on.

I must remember that in the grand scheme of things, I'm really just fearful of not having enough or being hungry but on a deeper level, I dont want to be deprived of ANYTHING. When I put it into perspective, I see that I must refocus my thinking. Cookies aren't that great for me, and I didn't get any additional pleasure from #3. Deprivation isn't part of the plan I'm trying to work. I just want to get healthy and feel good about myself again.

I am so successful in every other area of my life, I want to get this part right.

TRY-umph?

2011-01-15T17:01:00.003-05:00

This week, I really reinvested myself into getting it right. I made a list of things I could commit to:
-find a weight watchers meeting
-actually attend that meeting
-buy healthier options
-write down what i am eating, not the POINTS, just the food
-exercise 4 of 7 days

If I completed these goals, I was to reward myself with a manicure/pedicure or a shopping trip.

Progress so far?

1-I found a local meeting and 2-attended it! It appears I've gained 8 pounds since November 30th according to their scale. A huge disappointment to me, but this was also a reality check. Although because I moved, it is a different WW company and I will have to pay $10 more per month and possibly lose online tools. The bright side? My new place of employment offers the program in 12 week clips and they pay half tuition. This pleases me. Starting 2/2/11, I will join through work.
3-I went to the supermarket and bought healthy food, no snacks or junk.
4-I have written down *everything* that I've eaten, which is a habit I tend to ignore or give up. I have been doing well, and, starting on Monday, I will resume tracking points values of food.

5-Last week, I hurt my shoulders doing the p90x (*glad to see I'm not the only one who gained!) and the pain has dramatically increased over the week. I tried exercising but I can't even lift my arms over my head. The pain is overwhelming and it radiates into my hands when I try to even stretch. Frustrated and annoyed. There is a YMCA on the way home from the new job which I am thinking about joining. That way I can attend some classes, swim, do cardio and possibly pepper in some of the p90X workouts I actually like (and not the ones that paralyze me)

Now? I'm sitting at home after trying to get out of the house to reward myself with a pedicure/manicure and a shopping trip but the snow cramped my style.

I'm feeling a little more optimistic thank you to those who dropped by to say HI and share.

epic fail

2011-01-08T12:27:00.003-05:00

Still chugging away at the p90X, still gaining weight.

I can attribute it to: changing jobs, trouble with sleeping, getting used to a new schedule, not being allowed to smoke my lunch time cigarette during the day, yadda yaddda just excuse after excuse. It has gotten really bad and I am at a loss of what to do. I need a fire lit under my ass pronto and I can't seem to find a match, a lighter or even a spark?

I don't know where to start.

trouble in paradise

2010-12-27T10:22:00.002-05:00

So I'm in my 4th week of P90X and I've been doing well as far as the motivation to work out. I still wake up every day to do it, and have only skipped 1 day because I was too tired. I have used my 3 rest days. I am struggling with the food part. The exercise is leaving me hungrier and/or with a false sense of security about how much I can eat. Doing this in conjunction with attempting Weight Watchers (the new program) is throwing me for a loop.

An almost 3 pound gain loop.

I am not blaming one thing or another. I totally accept responsibility for my eating habits, however, I need to figure something else out. I have gotten the exercise thing down, now I need to work on the food consumption. In my defense, I've cut out processed snacks and have been eating a lot more fruit (which is supposed to be 0 points plus).

So this week, I am getting motivated to work it out and not eat it up.

motivation vs. procrastination

2010-12-20T20:57:00.004-05:00

Today, I was kindasorta motivated to work out. Still in a little bit'o'pain from yesterday's plyometrics (jumping). I woke up and kindasorta ate breakfast and laid on the couch. Then I did a whole bunch of errands and came home.

I was hungry and tired. So I ate an apple, 3 dates and made myself a salad. Fiancee was watching "Kung Fu Panda" and graciously offered me the tv to exercise. I declined, stating that I get one REST DAY a week and I would make it today. We ate dinner and I laid down on the couch, started feeling cozy but my mind was still going. I could hear the snoring behind me.

Mind: "What if you end up being really busy/tired this week and have to skip a day for a legitimate reason?"

Body: "My ass hurts."

Mind: "OK, our ass hurts but what else is really keeping us from working out, even a little bit?"

Body: "My inner thighs hurt too."

Mind: "You complain/make a lot of excuses for someone with large back breasts and a dimpled ass. Get off the couch."

Body: "You're right, but I don't want to get really sweaty and have to shower only to wake up and do a DVD in the morning and get sweaty again."

Mind: "So do the lower impact stretching one. You won't sweat so much but you'll still be doing a workout."

Body: "Fine. But only if I get to eat a Jello pudding snack after wards."

Mind: "Deal."

So Fiancee fell asleep and I put on shorts and did the Stretch X while he slept. I got to exercise, lightly de-stress my sore muscles and not waste a REST DAY when I still had mental/physical energy to do something.

the consensus is in!

2010-12-13T17:07:00.002-05:00

I am loving P90x so far. Waking up @5:30 AM to work out before work starts. I hate the Yoga one, but have been substituting it for a Stretch DVD instead.

Current measurements:
Arm: 13"
Waist: 36"
Hips: 42"
Leg: 24"

No changes in scale or measurements....yet. But I have noticed some beginning tingling of muscles being ripped and feeling stronger in my upper body.

Day 1

2010-12-06T16:27:00.022-05:00

Well, more like, Day 2. I did my first DVD yesterday.
These are my P90X "before" pictures

I am disgusted with myself, but slightly OK. I'm worse off than I thought I was, but at least I look 80% better when I'm fully dressed.

I have re-committed myself to my re-commitment to be healthy and look good naked (which I have epically failed as, as pictured above).

I am doing P90X and Weight Watchers new POINTS PLUS system, and will be trying to try harder with all of it.

I have enlisted my fiancee to help me NOT eat like a slob. But I will die if he ever watches me doing my exercises, because I am uncoordinated and ridiculous looking (plus I talk back to the people on the screen.)

I will photo update on 1/1/11, which will be the next day I am obligated to take a photo. Maybe I will have a martini in my hand? Maybe I will have a smile!?

Soooo this is me. 180 lbs of pure woman, rainbows and cookies.

there is a crack in everything

2010-10-17T11:06:00.003-05:00

I'm jiggly.

I stood naked in front of the mirror and I even feel the jiggles all over my body when I walk. In clothes, I look fine. In the nude, not so much. Something beautiful in being vulnerable. If I were a porn star or a bikini model this would be an issue. Lucky for me, I'm a counselor.

Last week I lost 1.6 more pounds bringing me to a loss of 5 in the last two weeks. This week, I was busy busy busy socializing. No time for exercise, even with the best of intentions waking up at 6 AM to try to get an exercise video in...I still decided to roll over and get more sleep. The scale this morning said I was back up a pound or two but I figure if I eat a lot of lettuce and drink a lot of water I will pee this out and be OK for weigh in tomorrow.

HOWEVER, add my mother to the mix. She was up two weeks ago and wanted to go out to eat very badly. She will be up in a little while again to help me pack and I know she will want to go to a restaurant. Last time I had to put my foot down hard, because I kind of wanted to go out too. She started to moan about how hungry she was so I pulled out the Fiber 1 bar I keep in my purse to shut her up. It worked. Today I will coax her to let me cook again for her. I hope she buys it. My waistline is depending on this. Good thing I went to the gym already....

Also to be noted: next weekend I move in with my fiancee. He's already grouching about the fact that I don't cook fattening enough for him and he said "You know there's going to be a lot more junk food in our apartment." I responded "You know there's going to be a lot more vegetables too." But folks, I'm really worried. I won't have a gym membership and possibly no more Exercise-On-Demand digital cable. He said he'll do P90X with me, but he has the follow through of a two year old sometimes...

Who unintentionally sabotages you in your weightloss/healthy habits? And how do you handle it?

geessh

2010-10-10T15:27:00.002-05:00

I have been gone for too long, longer than expected or needed.

Things are going well. I made an excel chart of the last 30+ weeks and it turns out my average weight is roughly 175 lbs, which is what I've been weighing in/near now for over a year. I'm not thrilled with this number, however, I have been maintaining this number for a long time and it is a positive that I haven't shot ALLTHEWAYBACKUP to "too close to two hundred."

I don't know how much I currently owe my fiancee. I'm not caring about it today.

Also- my gym membership is finito on 10/31/10 which means I'm going to need to find another gym and/or try something new. I'm thinking about that P90X/Beachbody Fitness program that my friend from highschool has had much success with. We shall see.

In the meantime, I'm far too busy laying on the couch and pretending to pack up my apartment for a move.

I *promise* I will be on more, if anyone still reads this...

lament!

2010-07-11T18:55:00.004-05:00

The day before weigh in is always the hardest, when I'm actually doing this. I am hot, hungry and cranky. I went to the gym, stayed semi-within my POINTS and have been drinking fluids ALL DAMN DAY. And I probably won't lose all that much tomorrow morning! I drank 3 nights this week and ate a fancy dinner with my fiancee and friend last night, including cajun alfredo. I've never had cajun alfredo. It was incredible, with scallops and shrimp and broccoli with rigatoni.

Regardless, for every pound I gain, I owe Adam $5. For every pound I lose, I get $1. Then on the elliptical, I read this article and I smiled. I know I didn't invent it, but I'm glad I'm not the only one.

put money where your mouth is

2010-06-28T15:26:00.002-05:00

today i decided that i needed help.

today i decided that either for every pound i gain or every pound i lose, i will pay my fiancee a dollar (or 20, 40, 60, 80 cents) and when i hit a goal i will buy myself a present.

i'm still debating if i should pay up for losing or gaining.
either way, i hope i win!

new thang

2010-06-16T18:17:00.002-05:00

Since reading that book (see last post) I've been doing this thang. I've been waiting, at least two days, before doing "something." I waited two days to see if I really wanted ice cream and I did. So I got some. This week I waited two days to see if I really wanted wine. And I did. So I got some. I've been turning down food, impulses to eat food etc. I've also gone to the gym 4 days...in a ROW! I am trying to listen to and make peace with my body and my mind. The two day rule is a great start.

a must read

2010-06-07T18:14:00.004-05:00

This book has been everywhere as of late and so I ordered on Amazon.come just to see. Everyone, everyone should read this book. Just to get a different point of view on things, maybe to feel slightly more empowered and enlightened.

It doesn't solve any problems but it definitely made me ask some good questions.

answered prayers.

2010-05-24T17:07:00.004-05:00

Been a busy few weeks.

Last week, I lost 3.2 lbs and did well this week eating but never made it to weigh in today.

Yesterday, the fiance and I hiked in the Adirondacks. I made it 10 miles round trip and managed to handle some rocky terrain. Today, I helped him to unload 2 tons worth of 40 lbs each bags of wood pellets.
I remember asking him to exercise with me a few weeks ago, because I wanted his support and help. Now I'm all kinds of sore from him honoring my request.

2010-05-08T19:43:00.002-05:00

i'm engaged.

lazy hazy

2010-04-30T17:25:00.004-05:00

Where did my mojo go?

I am so tired all of the time. No energy to do much lately. Last night I spoke with my mom around 7:30 PM and had the following conversation:

Me: Mom, I'm sleepy. Call me at in half hour at like 8 PM and say 'get to the gym fat ass.'
Mom: I will not call you a fat ass.
Me: Please, tell me to wake my fat ass up and get working.
Mom: I will call you at 8 but I will not call you fat.
Me: FINE. I love you. Bye.

So we hang up and I pass out. I wake up on my couch at around 9 PM, face stuck to pillow in a puddle of drool. The weather is getting nice, which is a trigger for me to not want to cook, to want to drink beer and eat fried food.

I am motivated to eat. I am motivated to sleep. NO issues there. I am struggling with motivation to sweat? I've stopped putting pressure on myself to exercise everyday and am working on just working out at least 3x's week. I did make it to the gym today, which is positive. But I ate lunch out and had a mini work party.

I am thinking about enlisting my boyfriend for help, as he is my biggest support and chief enabler.

Ugghhhhh, I want my ENERGY back!!!!

motivating idea

2010-04-18T15:23:00.003-05:00

Professionally, I am awesome. I have come a long way in my career and plan to grow. Weight loss wise, I am a slacker. So, based on a counseling therapeutic technique I have a little way of motivating myself.

I take ALL of my positive attributes in one area of my life and try to use them in the other.

Work strengths that SHOULD be transferred to weight loss/maintenance:
~organized~ diligent~ great time management skills~ strong documentation skills~ caring ~ focused ~ dedicated~ competitive ~ goal oriented ~ self starter ~ independent~ good attitude ~ flexible ~ responsible~ open minded~ demands excellence from self ~ honest~

So from this list, I am hoping to keep working on myself!

What areas of life do you kick ass in and how can you motivate yourself to put the focus on your health & well being?

ugh.

2010-04-06T18:40:00.002-05:00

why does everyone want to celebrate my accomplishments with food? and alcohol?
the binges don't feel good.
no one else seems to be concerned with their weight or mine.
i feel so frustrated.

untitled.

2010-03-29T18:27:00.002-05:00

I don't want to *lose* weight.

I want to "take it off."
Things that are lost, can be found again.

honoring the past

2010-03-25T18:16:00.003-05:00

I lost 2.4 lbs this week, after 2 weeks of gaining.

I feel better. My clothes fit a little better. I figured out that Thursday is going to be the best weigh-in day for me now. Why? Thursday means I have the weekend and week to get back in line. Thursday means I slip a little bit and get myself together in time. Thursday weigh-in was when I was successful back in college. When I had a partner, Amy, (my roommate and one of my best friends) to keep me in check. Thursday was with Chris, the spunky WW Leader who fell in love with Amy & I, as two chubby college girls who spiced up her meetings. Who still remembers me, from 5 years ago.

Things have changed since then. Losses, gains, issues...life. Life happened.

upside of looking down

2010-03-18T19:19:00.006-05:00

Today I weighed in at WW. Not because I wanted to. I felt obligated to go, because I won't be around this weekend to do it and I wanted to get a number for myself.

I gained 3 lbs. Not a huge deal. Its the middle of the week. I accidentally drank a few beers last night and ate a corned beef Reuben. And the night before? I drank 3 glasses of wine, ate a basket of tortilla chips and had a "grilled chicken salad" at a Mexican restaurant. The salad negated the wine and chips. See?

So I'm talking to the weigh-in lady and she said: "Oh, I see you've gained a bit. Were you expecting it?" I responded by shrugging my shoulders. "Meh," I said. "I have been doing this for three years and I sabotage myself all of the time. Now isn't different." Then we talked about how I was 6 lbs away from goal and how I've been giving Weight Watchers $40/month for so long.

Then it hits me, like a pound of butter. Yeah, it effing sucks that I spend $40/month BUT imagine if I had given up on myself last year when I gained weight back and stopped going all together?

The damage might be irreparable.

just say NO

2010-03-15T10:39:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, my time of the month emotions were running high. So I went to the gym and got running. Well, er, biking and EFX-ing. After about an hour of a sweaty and productive workout, I stopped at a local Stewarts (think chain convenience store for those of you who don't know what a Stewart's is) to buy cigarettes and milk. Cigarettes. And milk.

I got the milk, a bottle of diet Pepsi and some gum and walked up to the counter. Before I could ask for the cigarettes, the woman behind the counter started talking to me about $1.99 pint sale of their ice cream. I said no, very politely. I think I even said "No thank you." But the bitch kept talking up the ice cream. "It'll only be on sale till midnight tonight." "We have all of your favorite flavors." "You know with the weather getting warmer, ice cream is so good." As I was paying for my milk, soda and gum I said "No. I actually just came from the gym and it would totally negate what I just did if I got that ice cream. I'm going to drink this diet Pepsi and cry myself to sleep." I spied a pint container of Coconut Brownie Explosion in the freezer underneath me as she was swiping my card. I asked her if the transaction had completed and she said yes. I said: "This is a sign from upstairs that I am not meant to have that ice cream."

I walked out. Got in the car. Breathed a sigh of relief until I realized I never got the cigarettes. Instead of going BACK in there, where the lady was practically feeding me the ice cream from the carton, I did the RIGHT thing. Opened up my soda and drove home. And ate some Girl Scout cookies when I got there.

nemeses and notebooks.

2010-03-10T19:24:00.002-05:00

I don't know if I've told you about my arch-nemesis at the gym. I may have written about her before. She is who I'll never be: small. She is petite. She is attractive. She has muscular arms. I hate her, only because I'm jealous. But I also work out harder when I see her. She is ALWAYS at the gym and now her and her boyfriend (also muscular, attractive) work out together. I want to throw up in my mouth when I see them. Last time I saw them, they were wearing coordinated Under Armor gym clothes. I hate them. I hate me.

In other news, I have had TWO weeks of naughtiness, although this week I can breathe through my nose. Last week, I had a nasty cold. This week I have stepped it up and have already went to the gym 3 times (Since Saturday) and did yoga last night after I went out to dinner. I have a notebook, in which I am writing what I do in three columns: cardio, strength and flexibility. I am hoping that having a real written account of what I am doing will help. Plus I see people with these notebooks at the gym all of the time and I want to have one too.

Finally, I wanted to post pictures of my 26th Birthday party but my computer isn't allowing me to, like it's not allowing me to post on certain people's comments!!!!!!!!!! (This makes me angry!)

sweet surrender

2010-02-22T11:04:00.004-05:00

This weekend I thought about things.

For starters, how bored I am with my current exercise routine which is making me loathe working out. I'd rather lay on the couch and sleep then go to the gym some days. This could also be accounted for by stress and depression? Anywho, I went to the gym as much as I could this week and that's what counts. Plus, Adam (my boyfriend) bought me a pair of Sketchers Shape-Ups last night and I'm planning on taking them for a stroll this afternoon to AVOID the gymnasium.

I tried buying new foods this week, to combat Kitchen Boredom. I got some Nova Scotia lox, WW 1 POINT cream cheese, 97% Fat Free Hot Dogs, Vanilla soy milk, whole wheat cinnamon raisin bread and other things to branch out a bit. Mind you, I ate out on Thursday night and Friday for lunch, as well as Saturday.

So, what is different about this week than other weeks? I surrendered. I officially gave up on trying to lose weight and really just focused on making the best choices possible. Plus I caved and bought two pairs of pants for work in a 12, instead of pretending I'm still a straight size 10 like I was a year and a half ago. I got tired of looking like a sausage. So I said to myself "Self, what are you really trying to do? Body is not going to lose the weight as quickly as last time and Body is comfortable here. Mind is looking for immediate results instead of the bigger picture, which is lifelong health." I surrender. White flag. I'm not going to fight mother nature or my metabolism. I've been doing this 3 years and if I have to do it 3 more, I will.

Mind + body = self.
Self lost 4 pounds this week.

3 poundses

2010-02-15T19:24:00.001-05:00

I gained 3 lbs after a night of drinking (Saturday) and a day of bacon (Sunday)

Today I went food shopping and I made healthy choices instead of buying what I really wanted.

I am holding on by a thread, but I'm holding.

what the...

2010-02-08T11:16:00.001-05:00

relapse and i lost .6 lbs.
I did NOT expect that at all!!!!

BigHappyBeautiful- I am reading your blog too, I just can't reply. We should exchange e-mails or something.

relapse.

2010-02-06T18:11:00.003-05:00

Relapse with binge eating slash not giving a fuck about what goes into my mouth until AFTERWARD is an interesting process. I feel myself backsliding. I was able to say "I'm in relapse mode" this week when people asked me how my weight loss is going. I am not ashamed, but I am certainly uncomfortable.

I don't know if my body is resisting weight loss, because I'm staying within a range of pounds. I don't know if that's an excuse with mind over matter. I just don't have the answers anymore and I think it's OK. I'm just going to keep trying to do ME, go to the gym and eat as healthy as I can.

fighting the good fight?

2010-01-14T18:53:00.002-05:00

Last night at the gym, I pondered what exactly I was doing there.

Like, I know I'm there to lift weights and or do cardio and or stare at other people while they work out.

But really... Why am I mentally exhausted from a day of psychological gymnastics as a counselor, sweating on an elliptical? Why am I not home, eating ice cream or french fries on the couch watching tv and un w i n d i n g?

The media tells us (men & women) we are "supposed" to look a certain way. Then they airbrush the f^*@ out of the advertisements. When we (i) don't match this, we (i) feel like shit. When celebrities get TOO thin, they are chastised; same as when they gain weight or look like us! Our medical professionals tell us we're "supposed" to be a certain weight or BMI, although most of them won't address it with us unless we ask first. We (i) are being programmed to diet and exercise to look like something we (i)will never be. A skinny, long haired, pouty lipped sex vixen with an airbrushed over bellybutton. And then we (i) get to a thinner *healthier* weight and ruin it because: it is sooooo damn hard to maintain...

My question or rather, my thoughts are taking me someplace else with this one. No one knows my body as well as I do. I am listening to HER and not the rest of the world. Genetics are a big part in this. I am not trying to fight what nature has intended for my body. I am merely practicing good health so that 40 years from now, I'm still alive and kicking. Yeah, my mind was fatigued yesterday but I felt a lot better trying to work it out for a bit.

I could have done more than 25 minutes but I also could have gone home and laid on the couch.

Losing it.

2010-01-11T11:59:00.003-05:00

This week I didn't go up or down on the scale. This pleases me. I worked hard but slipped a little here and there (including having alcohol two nights this week out). I also didn't work out as much as I could have. I still have 7.2 lbs to go before I hit my 5% wannabe weight of 165 pounds. By my 26th birthday.

Something that continues to irk me is: how many POINTS food actually is sometimes. For example, on Saturday I was out to the supermarket on my lunch break with my colleague. We decided to splurge on "Fudge Fantasies" (we got the minis) from a local bakery "The Cookie Factory." Welp, before I knew it, we were back in her office, chatting away and I looked at the container. I decided to eat only 4 cookies, after writing down the stats (Calories, fat and fiber) to look up later on. 4 teeny, weeny cookies later and back at my desk I realized that each cookie had 3 points. 3 POINTS. I wasted 12 POINTS, half of my daily food intake on 4 little pieces of crap. Initially, I was kind of pissed off. But I got over it relatively quickly. I ate cookies, wrote down the amount of pointage and went about my day.

12 POINTS is a lot. When I sweat for 30 minutes on a cardio machine, I could potentially earn back 2 POINTS. That would mean I would have to work out 180 minutes OR 3 hours just to touch those cookies. WTF!?!

My dears, we all slip up every now and then. I slipped and tripped and bumped along almost an entire year, hehe. But seriously, I know that I can't beat myself up over 4 cookies. They were delicious, yes. But I know I can get a lot more food in for 12 points (4 cups of whole wheat pasta!?!?!) and be a lot more sassified. And sassification is good!

down down down

2010-01-05T19:43:00.004-05:00

Lost another .8 bringing it down to 2 lbs total in the last three weeks.
I am stoked.
I am thrilled.
I am NOT going to ruin this.
I am going to keep writing to you, those who understand my plight (P.S. BigHappyBeautiful: something is wrong with your site, I can't write to you)
I am going to keep tracking my foood/ POINTS.
I am not going to beat myself up if I slip a little.
I am going to continue writing love notes to myself, where I compliment the things I've done RIGHT for the day (went to gym, asked for a doggy bag, made a healthier choice).

What are YOU doing right so far in the new year? I'm interested to know :-)

TWENTYTEN

2010-01-02T19:06:00.003-05:00

Today was my first workout of the new year. This morning, I packed my gym bag and my lunch box and headed out to work. After work, I contemplated being "too hungry" to get to the gym but I drove myself down the highway and got off at the exit anyways. I vowed that I wouldn't work out "too hard" because after all, I was feeling hungry and tired after a long day.

I get to the gym locker room to change and lo and behold! I didn't pack a *shirt* to work out in. I had remembered socks, sneakers, bras and spandie (spandex? lycra? cotton?) workout pants. A few weeks ago, I would have determined that the exercise g-ds were "against" me and I should probably head home to lay on the couch and watch Law & Order. The new, slightly improved and higher functioning TWENTYTEN me decided to use the undershirt I wore today as my workout top and kept it moving.

And move it I did. I went on that terrible treadmill and busted out 30 minutes of run/walk/incline/decline goodness.

Even though I felt self-concious about how I looked in spandies and a tank top. Plus, I'm not really even hungry right now.

act your age, not your waist size!

2009-12-28T11:59:00.003-05:00

I thought of this one myself on the ride home from the Weight Watchers meeting I almost skipped. I am 25, almost 26 years old. I should have waaaaay more energy than I do. My job is not an excuse to skip the gym!

I did OK this week. Lost .2 pounds and I'm thrilled I lost 2 weeks in a row. On a holiday week. In the cold weather. I'm thinking I'm really internalizing this lifestyle again. I've been "planning" for events or at least trying to acknowledge the obstacles that are coming up by writing them down. I also write in my new journal daily to discuss the feelings and thoughts about what's going on with me.

Christmas Day I was off from work and I ate like a champ. However, I filled up on a big salad and didn't go overboard on dessert. Christmas Eve, my mom came up and wanted me to go out to dinner. I told her to eff off and I made up some porkchops, acorn squash and asparagus which was delish. I didn't want to go out when I had good food at home! The day before Christmas Eve, I went shopping and ended up at going out for a drink or 3 and eating nachos and wings. I fudged up that day but oh well!

How are YOUR holidays going>?

conclusion?

2009-12-22T20:59:00.003-05:00

I went out and bought a journal. It says "LEARN from yesterday. LIVE for today. HOPE for tomorrow." on the cover. This, aside from my regular journal, my food journal and my blog is to serve as my "honest about what the fuck is going on with me" journal. I have already filled about 5 pages of the little bugger with rants and raves too personal to share with you, world.

I am trying to explore as to whether or not I have an eating disorder. Or if I'm just neurotic.

As a mental health professional, I can't really diagnose myself. It's not ethical and it's not a good idea. I re-read this blog (3 yrs and counting!!!) and I see myself as this once passionate young woman who got caught up in stress and self-defeating purposes. I used to blog regularly, told the readers my weight (loss) and struggles and it used to be light-hearted and funny. I'd post pictures of what I was doing and eating. Now I write intermittently and I whine when I do it. I can try to pinpoint when getting healthy wasn't fun anymore. It lost it's luster and began to consume me, while I consumed the bad stuff.

So, in conclusion, I've come to the realization that I need to make things fun and exciting again. I need to treat this weight loss thing not like a job, but like a relationship, with myself. The last few months...OK, year, has been difficult because I choose to stay stuck. I'm jumping OFF the misery train, leaving the pity party and yadda yaddaa...

I feel better already.

Aha! moments #2

2009-12-18T17:57:00.006-05:00

Some soul searching and some researching.

I know how to eat healthy and I know how to exercise and I know how to lose weight. These are RATIONAL STATEMENTS.

I still view myself as a chubber. Chubbers don't always eat the best they can. Chubbers don't have to or want to go to the gym everyday. Chubbers don't lose weight. I have a "fat person self image." These are MY SUBCONSCIOUS THOUGHTS.

I hold myself back because somewhere deep inside my psyche, I choose to think of myself one way because that's the way I've always thought of myself. Held back, I get frustrated and justify inactivity or succumbing to peer pressure to eat because it's what I've always done... And "if you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got."

Drumroll please? I lose weight, hover above the number and sabotage myself because if you lose something, your subconscious looks for it. I may be scared of what happens should I actually achieve my goals? Do I deserve them? What am I really afraid of, besides shedding my chubby girl image?

A candle loses nothing

2009-11-29T17:25:00.003-05:00

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. I realize this doesn't undo 3 weeks of damage but it was a good workout. I went with the intention of only doing 25-30 minutes and instead I ran/walked almost twice that. I'm happy that I stayed longer than planned and motivated myself to work hard while I was there.

I am looking for answers on why I keep sabotaging myself. Why it's been almost 3 years and I am not where I want to be, still playing yo-yo with the scale and ultimately struggling. I am so refocusing energy on trying to eat right and get back into that gym.

no negatrons here!

2009-11-23T17:08:00.003-05:00

OK, I got a hint last week and I tried incorporating it. Stay positive! Things could always be worse.

My result? I ate out a LOT this week with other people and didn't really exercise, even with the best of intentions. I skipped WW meeting today because I didn't feel like basing my great week on a number.

My week was busy and delicious and helpful for me. I socialized with people, instead of running straight home after work or staying in my office during the day. I quite possibly hide from these situations to avoid making nasty choices on the menu? This week, I got invited to go out to eat with people who wanted to share a meal with me. Even if it was impromtu salad bar at the supermarket. THAT felt good.

So I am still disappointed in myself for a majority of my choices, and I have a set back in my goals. But if we focus on the positive, I did make memories while I made stretch marks.

angel versus devil

2009-11-16T12:48:00.003-05:00

After my WW meeting this morning, I went grocery shopping with a WW Buddy, who is also a colleague of mine. She's a voice of reason for me. She's lost almost 20 lbs in the last few months while I continue to bobble between 170-171. She calls me her "food sponsor, because I am there if she has a question or needs to vent. I helped her to find yummy alternatives and new foods to try and she introduced me to WASA Crackers (which are shoo frigging delicious). I would grab a food and she would say "No. You want to be 160 by 2010." IT helped me tremendously to have a voice I had to listen to, giving me a good idea. It was fun going food shopping with someone who has like minded goals.

My current chief enabler is my other colleague from work. We've been hanging out a lot lately and she is always asking me to go our to eat. I decline, but after 2 declines I usually give in at the third request. I say "Look, _____. Taking me to a restauarant is like taking a drunk to a bar or a heroin addict to the block to score some dope. Can we doing something besides eat!?"

Well yesterday, she invites me over and then drops THE bomb on me. I agree to go out and get something "light." We pull up in front of PF Changs and Cheesecake Factory (these are both at the same mall) I tell her that vehicular manslaughter isn't technically a crime. I am slightly annoyed, slightly excited and not remotely hungry at all (I ate a snack before I left home). So we go into Cheesecake Factory and I order a Luau Salad, which is delicious. But I also ate: some of the breadbasket, some of my friend's Lousiana Chicken Pasta dish and split a slice of Red Velvet Cheesecake.

Afterwards, I feel defeated. I had the choice to say NO, but I didn't. I am angry that I ate anything at all. Doubly upset that I contemplated not going to WW today so I didn't have to face the scale. I gained .8 this week. I am making it a point to get my ass at the gym and eat well every day and stop these shananigans before I stab someone.

one six nine

2009-11-11T06:58:00.003-05:00

I have been doing well at plateauing!

My body (AND MIND!) is hovering around 170-171 for the last few weeks. By weeks, I may mean months at this point. My gym motivation has waned and people have been inviting me out for food and fun, so I feel obligated to go.

But the scale stays "stuck." My mind makes excuses for not working out and justifies the eating/drinking. And I stay within this range, which honestly is not so terrible. Except that I really WANT to lose 10 pounds and not pay Weight Watchers anymore.

I'm looking for some of your motivation to keep it moving, especially as the holidays roll around AND I'm still not smoking.

YOgurt dilemma

2009-11-02T19:06:00.003-05:00

I'm overcoming a stomach bug that began with Greek yogurt.

Allow me to explain?

I got bored with Dannon Light & Fit that I have been eating for the last 3 years so I decided to try Chobani Greek Yogurt last week. Well. This stuff is very yummy and satisfying (although an acquired taste) and it is REAL yogurt. By real, I mean that it contains all of the healthy-like bacteria that real yogurt has. And, um, the yogurt had me more "regular" if you will. Regular turned into severe cramping and pain and that glued to the toilet phenomenon known also as a "stomach bug"... virus, whatever. I actually left work early because I couldn't deal on Saturday. This also meant that any plans I had resembling fun for Halloween were canceled because I couldn't leave my house.

The dilemma is this. I really liked the yogurt and at 3 POINTS it was very worth it. But I don't know if it caused the bug, or if the bug was coming anyways. I still have two containers left.

In dreams...

2009-10-16T18:10:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time, I wasn't a chubber. I didn't have to watch what I put into my mouth. And no one watched me or criticized what I ate, when I piled food on my plate. I didn't ever feel uncomfortable when my pants cut the circulation at my waist. "Fat days" where nothing looks right, never existed. I didn't have to worry about the angle of my face or the position of my arm when I took pictures. I didn't look like a sausage on the treadmill, on the weight machine, in the party dress. I didn't have to apologize for being larger than other people.

I didn't feel compelled to beat myself up if I had something yummy, instead of suffering with brocoli.

I am not actually feeling so bad about myself lately....I guess I was just thinking about a parallel universe. Someplace where the word "binge" only applied to shopping or drinking and donuts didn't make you round.

blurb

2009-10-06T20:20:00.006-05:00

Just spent a long time re-reading the last three years of my life.

In November, I will have had this blog for that long. It is TOO funny looking at my journey thus far. I can remember writing some of those entries or what was happening in my life when I wrote them.

I was funnier when I thought no one was reading. Or was hoping someone would read.
I was more motivated before losing weight eventually became a chore and a bore.

Now I'm on a roll, with butter.

s-u-c-c-e-s-s thats the way you spell success!

2009-10-04T13:54:00.002-05:00

I was able to accomplish my 140 minute goal! I managed to work out 5 times this week: 4 times cardio and one time doing a CRUNCH! Bikini Body DVD. This was where I cursed at Lena and her skinny slut friends while I jiggled around in my living room at 5:40 AM. I actually surprised myself by achieving this mini-goal. It kept me focused and accountable. On Thursday I worked late and I did NOT want to go to the gym. But I did and knocked off 25 minutes from the number. I am hereby recommending this to anyone who wants to think outside the box when it comes to moviating yourself to mooooove.

I rewarded myself by going to Marshall's and buying two pairs of workout pants. I have tons of gym shorts but only two pair of appropriate pants. With the weather getting cooler I figured I deserved to treat myself to pants and not french fries.

Speaking of, I lost 1.6 lbs last week and I miss by 10 AM meeting tomorrow because I am taking my licensure exam. Might be able to catch the noon meeting but I won't push it. WISH ME LUCK!!!!

so i make the rules...

2009-09-27T15:42:00.005-05:00

This week has been stressfullike. I am on a new unit at the hospital, where the patients are mean and disrespectful to me and nothing is really done about it. On Friday, I got rear ended on the ride home from a dreadful day. This also being a week where I am usually oversensitive and emotional (hint, hint) all ultimately resulted in a glass of wine and a Snyder's Pumpernickel/Onion pretzel and hummus tahini mini-binge. Mini-binge really meaning that I didn't count how many preztels I ate and double dipped each stick in the hummus container. Sexy, no?

I am going to return to work on Tuesday in better spirits and overall more positive attitude about my job. Or else I will end up having a nervous breakdown. I just hope this job doesn't make me jaded....

Now some positivity for your palate:

Yummy news! I found 100 Calorie Dark Chocolate Almonds from Emerald Nuts at the supermarket and I am in love. I ate some today. They make me smile.

New idea! Intsead of setting a number of days I am going to work out, I am contemplating going for a minute number goal and working towards it all week. For example:

I will work out approximately 140 minutes

So I can do my mayjah cardio workouts (20,30,40 min clips) and if I don't have a lot of time or energy one night, do 10 minutes of something and add it all together at the end of the week.

Tonight I am making SUPERMUSHROOM&ONION pizza on a multigrain crust thingie I also found at the stupidmarket. Tomorrow is weigh in day!

the real skinny

2009-09-21T14:45:00.003-05:00

This may sound completely ferklookey. For the last TWO days, I have been craving ice cream. I whined about wanting ice cream yesterday at my boyfriend's house. "I want ice cream," I said. They didn't have ice cream, so I settled for a Lime Fruit Bar instead. "It's cold and it's better for you," he said. I ate it, then eventually ate some Buffalo wing flavored pretzels, sour cream and onion potato chips and a hot dog with onions and relish on it. We watched t.v. most of the day and EVERY single advertisement for food that came on, I wanted some. Even though I know how horrible Pizza Hut pizza is, I salivated at the thought of that stuffed cheese crust.

This morning, I still wanted ice cream. And pancakes. I had some errands to run. I actually went to WW and got on the scale. Even though I gained some weight back, I know that I am retaining water this week and I seroiusly ate salt like it was going out of style this weekend. I got my nails done, went to the doc's and then I went to the gym. I did roughly 25 mins of cardio on the elliptical.

I was hoping that my elliptical time would banish my craving for ice cream. Hope failed. However my dearies, I am happy to report that I drove to my nearest Stewarts and got myself one scoop of Brownie Cookie Dough ice cream. It was heavenly.

YES, I am aware that I just undid my 25 mins of sweat and then some. YES, I gained weight this week and didn't really need that cone. But holy crap, I feel better. For many reasons....shall we?

I actually waited out the craving to see if it was real or just a passing fad. It was real.
I unconciously exercised before I made the choice to get the ice cream. Thus kind of softening the blow, if you will. I moved to get a star/sticker on my calender!
I am actually happy that I did something that made me feel better instead of making myself miserable by not giving in.
I ordered (1) scoop on a cone instead of getting a pint to bring home. Ice cream craving squashed, integrity intact.
I realize that maybe I am needing some extra calcium, since my cravings today revolve around dairy products such as ice cream and pizza cheese. Internal body cues are wonderful!

Behavior and thinking patterns changing for the better: check!

What are you doing/trying differently these days?

on the up

2009-09-14T14:41:00.005-05:00

Today, I was back in my element.

I returned to my 10 AM meetings with the WW Leader I like the mostest. Although I didn't do so hot as far as writing things down and exercising (I have a new schedule at work, now I'm Tues-Sat instead of Sun-Thurs) (SOOOOOO NOT AN EXCUSE!!!!!!!!) I managed to only gain .2 lbs this week. I got a little cocky. That little blip on the scale means pretty much nothing to me. Except to try extra hard this week to lose some more weight.

Also positive was a co-worker who also has the same schedule as me. She showed up at the meeting and sat right on down next to me. I guess all my talk about WW made her want to try again too.

I did Pilates at home today instead of going to the gym. It was a refreshing change from cardio machines and walking outside.

In regards to my employment, it was confirmed that I couldn't work for WW if I didn't weigh within the certain BMI range (for me? I am supposed to be between 120-150 poundages). However, I CAN work for them if I am 10 lbs away from my goal with the intention to lose it within a certain amount of time (my new goal was 160 lbs). It is quite very possible for me to hit *my* goal and try to lose the last 10 lbs to be a Leader/Receptionist?!?!?!?!

Before I get ahead of myself, let me lose this last 11 lbs turkey I have left.

good morning, fat ass.

2009-09-10T18:11:00.004-05:00

For the last few weeks, every day my cell phone does the Woodie the Woodpecker laugh at 5 AM. Across the screen it says

"Good morning, Fat (_)_)!"

Every morning, I hit snooze and sleep until 6-6:15 AM.

I am *TRYING* to wake myself up to start doing morning workouts and it isn't working.

What *is* working? Finally being REdedicated to going to the gym or walking after my day is over. I also wore a pedometer to work today and discovered that I did 2.14 miles of walking around the hospital.

I lost another 1.6 lbs, bringing the last 3 weeks to 3.8 lbs lost total. I will not get cocky. I cannot get cocky. I will not get cocky. I cannot get cocky. I will not get cocky. I cannot get cocky. I will not get cocky. I cannot get cocky. I will not get cocky. I cannot get cocky. I will not get cocky. I cannot get cocky. I will not get cocky. I cannot get cocky. I will not get cocky. I cannot get cocky. I will not get cocky. I cannot get cocky.

I just can't do it.

stop & smell the roses

2009-09-07T16:11:00.005-05:00

"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses!"

Ok. 4 days in a row of *something* with exercise. Thursday= 30 mins of cardio; Friday= 20 mins of cardio + some weights; Saturday = 40 mins of cardio and the above photo was taken during yesterday's (Sunday) 4 mile hike with my friend and her dog, Kaiser. I am not going back to school for the first time in 20 years and now I have no excuse not to work out. Today I am very tired but I plan to do a little Pilates DVD or something low-key this evening, because tomorrow is my new weigh in day.

Also- I recently purchased coconut oil because I read somewhere that it helps with weight loss. I have been using it here & there in my cooking. I notice I'm a little less hungry? I also bought Laci Le Beau's Dieter Tea, which is just a fancy name for "tea-bag laxative." I notice I'm a little less hungry?

Am I not hungry because I am not eating for the wrong reasons these last few days with increased exercise or is it because of coconut oil and colon blow? The world may never know....

hungry pants

2009-09-03T15:51:00.002-05:00

Happy to report that on Tues 9/1/09 at the meeting, I weighed 1.6 lbs less than last week.

That's the most I've lost in a very long time. It was nice to see that hard work paid off. It is also nice that today I went to the gym and did 30 mins cardio, despite a hangover migraine that makes me feel like my teeth are cracking in half. Because I'm not giving up. Because I have 13 lbs to get to my goal weight.

Speaking of, I handed in my doctor's note and was sad to hear that even if I get to 160 lbs and hit lifetime membership, I can never work for Weight Watchers.

Oh well. Life goes on.
I have 14 points to spend on dinner and I am decided what to prepare/gobble up.

soul meets body (long entry)

2009-08-29T07:28:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was a difficult day. Fighting with my boyfriend makes my body go on hunger strike, which is good, I guess. If we fought everyday I'd be thinner by now??

<><><>

But yesterday was a good day too. I spoke with my doctor and we discussed my weight(after she jabbed me in the arm with a flu shot). I told her that I was down to 156 last summer, but had gained about 20 lbs back. She told me to try Weight Watchers. I shared that I have been going for the last 2.5 years, never stopped trying on one level or another and that I am struggling. We looked at some charts and graphs and decided that 160-164 would be a borderline healthy target for me. She said that because I am larger framed (i always knew it!!) that 120-130 lbs might be unrealistic for me. She was pleased that I try to exercise 3 times a week, but I said that I want to try cardio 4 times a week and strength training 1 day. So I am holding myself to it. I am going to exercise 5 x's a week if it kills me and I will muster up the energy to do it after work and/or force myself out of bed in the morning.

With that, she wrote me a note that 160 is a healthy target weight for me on her doctor pad. And I will hand it in to my WW Leader Lady. And then 160 lbs will be my lifetime goal and I can finally STOP PAYING and possibly become a leader myself. I think I would be a good candidate for Leader, aside from the whole professional counselor piece. It's going to take me another couple of months too get down to 160 but I will be fighting the good fight.

<><><>

On Wednesday, I saw the psychiatrist. He is monitoring my progress since I stopped taking antidepressant medication back in June. We talked about my plan to talk with the doctor (see above) briefly. He asked if there were underlying issues with weight and self-image and relations and sex. I told him that I was/am comfortable in my role as "chubby funny friend" and when I lose weight, I lose that role somehow. I no longer have the excuse that I'm not attractive or the excess flab to hide behind. People are nicer to me, men pay more attention, yada yada yada. My last two significant relationships before this one, I had lost weight and essentially decided to break things off. This happened simultaneously with the weight loss of course, but it still plays some weird role in it. Dr. L and I discussed that maybe I unconsciously put weight back on in this last year because I don't want to break up with my boyfriend.

<><><>

It makes sense for me to take a look at the biological and psychological issues at hand to get the whole picture.

easier said, than done.

2009-08-22T13:12:00.003-05:00

In professional news, I have just scheduled my exam for my LMHC (licensed mental health counselor) which will be happening on 9/18/09. Please, pray for me to pass.

In health related news, I have still been struggling but still trying. I *actually* asked for help this week at work. At the hospital, we have a nutritionist and an activities counselor who also does fitness modeling or something. I talked with both of them and I felt weird but ultimately OK with asking for help from people who know me. They gave good feedback.

The receptionist at Weight Watchers said I should talk with my doctor about getting my goal weight adjusted. If my doc deems it appropriate, I would not have to be 150 lbs in order to achieve lifetime. The dilemma is this: I know I can maintain around 160 when I get there. I did it. Am I cheating myself in the end and giving up? Am I really ready for lifetime/chance to be a Leader?

In the body image, self esteem department I feel defeated. I feel like I look like a beluga whale and my clothes are getting too tight. I am contemplating switching WW days and attending the meetings with the leader I like, who I did well with awhile back. I am also contemplating Medifast

Being proactive for things that DON'T come naturally is harder than the first and second time around...

soul searchins

2009-08-08T17:21:00.003-05:00

Time to pick myself up by my own bootstraps and ask of myself "What am I *really* hungry for?"

Yes, I've gained back 18 pounds. A reader sent me a clip of an article about weight loss motivation (if you're interested, check in the comments section of my last post) and in it was the question above.

So I asked myself, what am I really hungry about? Why am I overweight? Why have I been unable to maintain weight loss in the past? What in my life is not working? Why do I want to lose weight?

I have learned that going out with friends is a trigger for me. My friends and I tend to eat and drink when we go out. It's how we socialize. When I go out with the intention to drink, I make bad choices in eating. When I'm out to eat, I'll usually have a beer or glass of wine. Eating for me is comfort and social. I want to be able to enjoy myself, and unfortunately, that is equated with eating and drinking. I guess I would say I am hungry for companionship because I live by myself and when people want to spend time with me, it's usually to go out drinking or eating. Even at work, if someone invites me to lunch, I go. Someone brings in food, I'll eat it. When I am alone with my own food, I eat within my POINTS.

I am overweight because I continue to gain weight even despite what I consider my best efforts to lose. I end up overeating one day and it spills over into the next day. Usually because I don't have to self control to say "NO!" or to just order a salad if I do go out.

I have been unable to manage weight loss in the past because every time I do well, I get cocky. I reward myself with food. This is my cycle. I do well and I fuck it all up. Maybe I am scared to be attractive to others? Not that I am *THAT* heavy now. I am still down 20 pounds from when I had initially tried to lose weight. I may honestly be scared to maintain the weight because that used to require more work then losing it. Now the losing is hard too, because I've gone up and down again. And again.

What in my life is not working? This question may require deeper digging. I am actually doing well, I think. I have a job, a supportive boyfriend, great friends, my own apartment and car and all of that outside stuff. My job is very stressful, but I don't know how that contributes to my eating. I don't eat at the cafeteria anymore, which was a very good decision. I think my "NO!" button is broken and I am still equating fun with food.

I would like to lose weight to be healthy and avoid all of the issues that run in my family. I would like to lose weight to look good. I would like to lose weight to have a strong baby vessel when the time comes for me to procreate. I want to lose for good reasons.

Thank you, Kris, for giving me this idea.

disgusted

2009-08-04T20:16:00.002-05:00

I have officially gained back 18 pounds since last July.

I don't have anything nice/positive to say about this, or myself or anything right now.

a new/old vice

2009-07-23T18:02:00.002-05:00

3 words, 4 syllables.
Laughing Cow Cheese.
The light version.
I dumped it into my whole wheat pasta, frozen veggie, seafood toss up and it felt....indulgent.
I cannot believe how guilty I felt eating something that in actuality cost me about 9 POINTS!

MMmmMmMmmm MmMmm gooooos.

In other news, Adam & I are celebrating our 2 year anniversary this weekend and he is taking me to Boston, MA to visit the famous Aquarium. He rented a hotel and everything! I am going to try my best to behave food wise this weekend!

(I will count walking around as my exercise.)

anything after BUT....

2009-07-12T17:38:00.003-05:00

I meant to stop by sooner. Anything after BUT is usually B.S.

I spent $345 on a letter accepting me for a $200 exam however I am officially accepted to take the NBCC (National Board of Certified Counselors) test once I am ready. Whoooohooo??

I did Wendie Plan-esque type eating this past week. I was starting to feel less bloated and more happy by the weekend. Then we went to a wedding and a reception and a party and I do not feel as light or free. Numbers on a scale are not a measure of who I am. I have to learn to get this thing right. Eating healthy and treating myself well are priority. I am going to go for a quick jog/walk this evening, just to say I did. That will be 4 stars this week, with Wedsm Thurs & Sat being off from exercise days.

On Friday, I approached the happy looking trainer at the gym to see his rates/get a feel for his personality. He is a 52 yr old African American man who smiles while he murderizes his clients, laughs with them and looks like he really enjoys it. I am still weighing my options.

whoa whoa whoa

2009-07-05T18:28:00.009-05:00

I start by saying how abso-friggin-lutely *THRILLED* I am with all of the great insight you readers gave me from my last post. I respect your opinions and I'm glad I have a sounding board to get feedback. As I type, I am trying to muster up the energy to go outside and enjoy the last of today's sunshine with a brisk run/walk. I am seriously considering a go at a fitness class at my gym. That would mean I'd actually have to go to said gym and look up the schedule. But I digress...

Today I went grocery shopping. I love grocery shopping. Almost as much as shoes shopping. I dabbled in the healthy foods section and I did halfway decent. HOWEVER, I must remind myself of this mantra:

~*GOOD FOOD ISN'T CHEAP
and
CHEAP FOOD ISN'T GOOD*~

Holy !#$^@# MONEYBALLS! I can't believe how much I spent. I have been buying the same old foods for over two years because they are safe. I know how many WW POINTS! are in them and I know how to cook them and ALL THAT JAAZZ. But it's not working anymore.

I am taking my own G-ddarn advice starting....now! Optimal health is NOT just about looking good in a bathing suit. It's about feeling good inside of myself. Blah blah blah. I am seeing how old patterns and being comfortable became a chore, and now I need to stop worrying about how much I weigh and focus on how I feel. I eat the same things over and over again and I don't exercise as hard as I could.

The tools I gained initially during my several stints at weight loss taught me a lot. However, I must continue evolving as a weight losing, healthy beast of a woman and continue challenging myself. At 193 lbs, eating a vegetable and walking around the block helped me shed a few pounds. Now my body is used to being more active and being fed better foods. So I think I have to switch it up and stop just getting by with my health & fitness routine.

please contribute to my ego below, k'thanks.

ahhh.... push it!?!?

2009-07-02T05:46:00.004-05:00

INSIGHTFUL FACTOID: I don't *push* myself as hard as I could/would/should at the gym.

I mainly do exercise for the movement factor. Bare minimum. I feel better when I move and then get to make stars on my calendar. I exercised with my friend K who used to be a female body builder last week and she basically kicked my ass. Technically I am "smaller" than her but she is in far better shape than I am. K had me running up and down steps, running when I didn't want to and cursing at her. It was the hardest I had worked out in a long time...

Mayhaps my ability to get to the next level of fitness is hindering me from losing the last of this weight???

But I am soooo tired after work that I want to move to say I did it! And I can't wake up in the morning to exercise because I am tired then too.

Which brings me to my next thingie. K worked me out, and although I was slightly embarrassed by my huffing, puffing and passing occasional gas during the run, I was OK. I am terrified to get a personal trainer! I don't want a stranger to see me struggle.

quasi internet celebrity

2009-06-24T17:46:00.009-05:00

Yesterday on the elliptical, I was reading one of those celebrity magazines while I was sweating like a mofo. And I was thinking about how funny it would be if someone interviewed *me* about my fitness, weight loss and overall attitude about being healthy.

The following would be my *imaginary* interview, with myself. If you think it's fun, feel free to answer the questions yourself in a comment below. If you stalk me, chances are I stalk you back. And it's nice to know about you too :-) Also- feel free to point out things I am doing wrong or things that help you!

What does your usual workout routine look like?

I am trying to get back into the swing of things. I do at least 20 minutes of anything, and then put a sticker/star on my calendar. At the gym, I will do a few machines and call it a day or I will get on the treadmill or elliptical and do at least 20-30 minutes. When I'm walking around my 'hood, I will put on 1 lb wrist weights and get 2 miles in of jog-walkings. At home, I have a few DVD's I play with, mostly pilates and dancing. I am trying to walk at lunch time, weather permitting. This month I have 9 stars, which is a dramatic improvement from the last few months.

What is your favorite "get pumped" song to listen to when you're working out?

I thought about this one long and hard and I would have to say my all time favorite get in the zone song is....."Hung Up" by Madonna. I am not really a super Madonna fan but for some reason this song gets me way excited. I have other favs, but this song just does it for me.

Were you an athlete as a child/teen/young adult? If so, how does this impact your fitness today?

I played organized sports as a kid. I tried playing sports in middle school and high school (soccer & volleyball). I basically sucked because 1) I'm not competitive in any way, shape or form and b) I lacked serious athletic ability. So I quit both my junior & senior year to work, because I didn't get any playing time and I wanted money. In college, I played rugby. I sucked at that too. But it helped me to learn a little more of what my body can be capable of.

When did you realize you had to make changes in your life to be healthier?

Well, growing up, I did not have any idea about healthy eating. My mom raised me by herself and we ate out at restaurants A LOT. Most dinners consisted of protein and a starch, not a ton of veggies. My mom has weight concerns and did Weight Watchers when I was growing up, but I didn't see myself as being overweight. It wasn't until I got to college and gained a whole mess of more weight did I realize anything. My best friend in college did Weight Watchers and lost but I was way skeptical at first. It wasn't until I went to my first WW in August of 2005 and stepped on a scale that read 191 lbs. After that, I steadily lost 25 lbs my senior year of college. Didn't know I had been heavy until I lost all the weight. I got cocky the summer after and gained it back, plus. I didn't notice how I gradually put the weight back on. Then in November of 2006, I hit 193 and tried losing weight on my own. In January of 2007, I rejoined WW after realizing that it works for me. IT SEEMS TO BE THE ONLY THING THAT DOES. This time around, I have lost almost 40 pounds but gained 15 back over the last year. I have already lost 1.8 lbs of that 15 and I am trying to re-invest myself in sticking to WW plan and being healthy.

What do you think is the most important part of maintaining your lifestyle?

Good abs are made in the kitchen. Moving a little each day in ways that are fun helps. But people need a support system in order to be successful. I have an incredible boyfriend who puts up with my craziness, fantastic friends who cheer me on and a mom who understands my weight issues because I inherited them from her! I have one particular WW leader who has been helpful and understnading. I also found a support system with this blog thing; other people who have good ideas and kind words of encouragement. I need people as part of my recovery.

Recovery? Is there something else you'd like to share?

On another blogger's Q & A, I came clean about something I've been going through. With all of the stress, the guilt and disgust in myself from gaining weight back this time around and feeling overwhelmed, I developed some ED tendencies. I won't go into anymore detail because it's not important. What's important is that I have recognized and worked on what was happening internally. And I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that I succumbed to some very unhealthy patterns.

OK, I am tired of playing. I am going to eat a VitaBrownie and a scoop of ice cream, because I earned it!

the menu

2009-06-22T11:19:00.004-05:00

Down another pound!

160.9 lbs and I have lost 1.8 since I re-engaged myself in doing this again.

I have unofficially "detoxed" myself from booze and eating out at restaurants and not exercising and most importantly, feeling sorry for myself.

acceptance/ piece of mind

2009-06-19T18:03:00.004-05:00

i'm buff (after going to the gym and getting in a decent workout instead of half assing it)
i'm tan (a new vice, which kind of makes me feel good?)
and i'm drinking a glass of well deserved red wine.

Today was the day from hell @ work. Aside from finding out that one patient had talked about threatening to murder me, one of my favorites had to be medically discharged. One patient who has been quite annoying and I had a session where I basically yelled at him and told him to stop making himself the victim and start accepting what he had, for better or worse.

Aha?!

This may or may not have been indirectly inspired by a friend of mine who I had dinner with last night. She made a comment about accepting her body for what it was. Mind you, her body is now creating a new life (which i am in total awe and admiration of) but the way she said it made me stop and think about myself.

I have to be re-invested in myself and in being healthy, not binging or abusing my body and trying to accept what G-d has given me. I'm going to try to take care of myself the best that I can. I am going to re-learn to take things one day and one bite at a time. I am not going to allow myself to be the victim anymore. I am going to take ownership of the bad days and good days and all that jazz.

So what if I weigh the same as my boyfriend?!?

kidney ouch!

2009-06-15T10:48:00.004-05:00

I had a decent week. Last Monday, I told my WW leader everything and she offered her support. She asked me to write down everything I ate and to try a week without going out for dinner. She would go over my tracker if I wanted to. I did all of it. I only lost .8 but I felt good about getting back on track. Small victory, feeling more in control and better off in the long run.

Friday morning, getting ready for work, I had severe sharp pains in my lower back on the right. After screaming in pain and falling to the floor, I got to my cell phone and called my boyfriend. Adam flew out of his job (45 mins away) and took me to the ER where I was diagnosed with a kidney infection and Adam's dad (a doctor) believed I also had a kidney stone. The pain was excruciating but I was lucky to have my boyfriend there to support me/take care of me that day and overnight.

Kidney infection cramped my style as far as exercise was concerned this weekend but I'm glad I'm alive and OK. I am still a little weak, and I'm hopped up on drugs. I will probably resume gym/light walking on Wednesday and go from there, but really when I stop having pain in my kidney.

Week #2 of being back on track and being able to say no to food and booze is in progress. I am relieved to be re-motivated again :-)

eating habits

2009-06-06T20:22:00.002-05:00

The more I work as a counselor with addicts, I realize that my personal eating issues are VERY similar to my patients with chemical dependency concerns. Not that I want to over identify but...

When I talk to my patients about relapse triggers including: feelings of boredom, wanting to have something in common with the people we spend time with and the sheer love of indulging in something that makes us feel better temporarily only to feel guilty later, it is when I notice how close we actually are. Except that food is a legal substance and you need it to live; while heroin and crack cocaine are not either.

FOR EXAMPLE: Wednesday and tonight, I was out to dinner with friends. When I go out, I like to order a drink or two. Then I like to eat, because everyone else is. And talk. It is what I do. Socializing is a trigger for me. When it's just me, at home, I eat some sort of veggies and a protein, mixed together in a bowl. But when someone invites me out, I am usually drinking/eating/shoveling everything into my face as fast as possible. And I try to order healthy, I do. It's just that the friends I have may not necessarily have the same body image/eating issues I do, so I try to keep up with them and it always backfires in my face.

This also applies to my patients who might use and get out of control when they're around other users who don't have problems with being able to stop.

* * *

On a more positive note, I have exercised 3 times with week! On Tuesday, I "power" walked with wrist weights and did a two miles. My once nicely fitting shorts were too tight. But I waddled on despite. On Thursday & Friday, I walked around the hospital I work at and did two laps with my colleague both days. Because each lap takes around 10 minutes, I got to add a star on my calendar for each day. Today I walked a lap by myself, just to keep trying to move more throughout the day and get some fresh air. Tomorrow and Monday I plan on getting to the gym.

I definitely didn't do as "well" as I had hoped but I tried really hard. I guess I just give myself a pat on the back and keep trying....

hi my name is jillian

2009-06-02T19:09:00.004-05:00

Hi, my name is Jillian and I am a compulsive eater.

I've gained back approximately 15 lbs. since last July/August. I've lost weight before. I know I can do it.

Today my boss commented on my outfit (tunic top, tights) saying that I looked adorable but that my outfit was more club attire than professional looking. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm starting to look like a sausage in all my clothing and wear loose clothing to hide my mondo-belly.

cause and effect

2009-05-18T11:39:00.003-05:00

Life has finally settled down.

I am now an Addiction Counselor at my internship site, they hired me and I started almost two weeks ago. I actually love my job, talking to my patients and helping them find themselves. It is a pretty awesome feeling.

I graduated last Saturday, although I did not attend the ceremony. Instead, I laid on the couch and napped, waking up every now and then to watch a Law & Order re-run. It was blissful. Afterwards, I went a festival we have up here and binge drank with my friends and gorged myself with disgusting-ly delicious Mexican food. Plus tequila, didn't agree with my tummy. Puked. Went on drinking. Sunday, Mother's day, was also a food festival.

Like I (and maybe you) have said, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" Monday I dragged my ass (and my mom's ass, because she was in town) to Weight Watchers and climbed on the scale after almost two months absence. I bought my mom her initial month's membership for Mother's day. Even feeling good about that did not prepare me.

Needless to say, I was not excited when I found out I weighed 167.8 pounds. I have gained back 12 pounds, because: I got cocky, I can't stop eating when food is in front of me, I don't keep track of my food intake, I don't exercise regularly, I am a self-saboteur.

I hummed and hawed all week, got one day in of exercise and I lost 1.8 pounds this week. It's not enough.

on a roll....with butter

2009-04-21T05:37:00.003-05:00

courtesy of Post Secret

Just another week and a half of learning left!
Just another week and a half until I start my *new* job as a Clinical Specialist at my internship! I will be working as an inpatient Chemical Dependency counselor and will be able to pursue my license as a Mental Health professional. People keep talking about "the money" and yes, it's nice but I'm going there for other reasons. One, I want my license. Two, I want to do counseling. Three, it's what I went to school for. So....why not?!

I am planning a reunion with my two friends, Beer and Gym. Although they hate each other, I tend to feel happy when I hang with either one of them but never at the same time. Seriously. That would be a mess. Although one time I did work out drunk and it felt really weird.

Hmmm. Anyways. Gotta get to work now and finish out my two weeks, say goodbye to my kids. That's the part that's going to suck. Being a positive adult in the lives of under served teenagers for over a year and then saying goodbye! I got my master's! See you later!!!

I hope my decision encourages them to follow their education dreams too.

When one door closes.

2009-04-16T00:09:00.002-05:00

When one door closes, you have to hope that the other one opens when you want it to. The one job I've been interviewing almost a month for called me today to say "thanks but, no thanks." A blessing in disguise?

I also interviewed at internship this morning and they are recommending me for hire. Friday will be here and I pray that someone gives me good news and a cheeseburger.

Thank you for the positive feedback re: patterns. I am glad I'm not alone on this one!! I think sometimes we notice patterns when someone else points them out to us, or, when we are thinking in retrospect and we realize that if we tell someone else about it, they look at us funny?

In my clinical work, I tend to talk about issues with food (if it's relevant!) when doing individual sessions with patients. I relate food and binge eating to drugs and dependence. I don't disclose anything personal but I do share a different perspective on addiction. Eating disorders and chemical dependency do have quite a bit in common if you think about it. Both have compulsions for ritualistic behaviors, both are a struggle for the person trying to overcome them. Both have positive outcomes from specific therapies. Both stem from issues with self and family systems. I plan on researching more about the connections when I'm done with school in 2 weeks. I'll let you know if I find anything worth noting!

here's to hoping

2009-04-10T17:16:00.005-05:00

This was taken last August when I got my tattoo. I am in pain. My boyfriend is laughing. He ALWAYS manages to find joy in my misery ;-)

In approximately 1 week from today, I will be done with my internship hours. They are interviewing me to keep me there as a Clinician wherever they can put me. This will be on Wednesday. By next Friday, the other job I have been waiting a month to find out about will have an answer for me as to whether or not they want to hire me as well.

I am praying that by 4/17/09 I will have my post-graduate employment situated.

Pray with me now.

I've gained 2 pounds back and I'm starting to scare myself with certain patterns, behaviors and feelings that I didn't realize until my boyfriend pointed #1m out. Then I noticed the other things...

EXAMPLE #1-I go to the grocery store and only buy what I need for the week/few days at a clip. I do not have much extra food laying around because I don't want to even be remotely tempted to eat it. I get mini-anxiety attacks if I have to buy more food then I'm used to. This is weird and unhealthy and never used to happen. Now I get scared if there is too much in my house. If it's there I WILL eat it.

EXAMPLE #2-I get very upset, near the point of tears, if I've eaten too much food in one sitting. I used to just laugh it off and/or take pride in my ability to hold that much food. Now I get fidgety and sad and uncomfortable. And I know that I am eating and not hungry but I can't help myself.

EXAMPLE #3- I have these awful feelings of being "fat" and "out of control" and not getting to my goal weight by now/sabotaging myself. I look in the mirror and I am getting pissed off that I havent hit 150 yet and that I keep eating and drinking and am not getting the results I want. I am tired of trying.

Here's to hoping I get a grip on this stuff and fix it before it turns into trouble.

hoooah

2009-04-06T21:18:00.005-05:00

See? I'm nice even when I've been drinking!!!

Went to the gym tonight, after class, and did 25-30 mins of machine work to re-acquaint my body with exercise.

I did each of my usual machines (it's been almost a month since I touched one; several months since I've worked out on a consistent basis) BUT I did each machine until my muscles felt 'burn-y' and I sweateded from my head.

This new attempt was a lot of reps, felt weird but challenging, and I wasn't bored. I don't know if I was supposed to do this (pros help me out here?!) but I did it anyways because it was different.

4 weeks left till graduation (which I am not attending)
2 weeks left of internship
The countdown to be done with my graduate school captivity gets shorter every day....

Freedom approaches quickly. Freedom to ride Adam's bicycle that he's lending me. Freedom to go for long walk/runs outside and use my gym membership. Freedom to actually attend WW meetings and get this weight off onceandforallbodangit.

deepest apologies

2009-04-01T18:05:00.003-05:00

I have been MIA. To anyone who still reads, or cares, I am sorry.

Things have been hectic to say the least. I am in the process of being in my last 5 weeks of graduate school, battling a cold and interviewing for a job as a Chemical Dependency Counselor at a local outpatient facility and as a Clinical Specialist at my internship. Plus working, doing school work (you ALL know the drilly drill)

Today I am happy/relieved. Not that I've put all my eggs in one basket, because I haven't.

Here's why I feel so good. Because as long as I can remember, I've wanted to help people. I was in 3rd grade when I told my mom that was what I planned on doing. I've pretty much been 2nd rate at most things I've tried, especially in sports and definitely in life. Without getting too personal, I can acknowledge that my sense of humor is meant to disguise these feelings of being #2. So here I am, after 3 years of graduate school , sacrificing time/money and a social life to pursue my education and career and here it is.

HERE IT IS!!!!

mmmm victory?

2009-03-12T19:07:00.004-05:00

If I tracked everything I ate this week, I was going to treat myself to manicure.

If I lost any weight at all, I was going to buy myself a weigh-scale to keep at home.

Guess who is getting new nails and a new scale?!!!

Down 2.8 lbs this week. Happy at 162, 12 pounds to lose for goal.

+ a job interview on Thursday at an outpatient chemical dependency program as a counselor!

sham-wow

2009-03-08T16:47:00.002-05:00

I have been M.I.A. for quite some time. Apologies to people who actually read this thing.

Needless to say, I have been struggling. With self-esteem, depression, anxiety, blah blah blah. I am tired of stressing. I have climbed back up to 165 lbs. I've gained back 10 lbs of flubber!!!!! I am ashamed and disgusted. I won't go too far with those feelings, but it isn't pleasant knowing that I was so close to my goal and I sabotaged myself. I am trying really really hard to get back into "recovery" mode and now lose the last 15 lbs. I have left to go with Weight Watchers. I am rewarding myself by writing down everything I eat this week and if I do that, I will get a manicure. Eventually, I am going to buy myself a bicycle to go for rides.

There are officially 8 weeks left of graduate school.

how to spoil your diet without really trying

2009-02-22T17:29:00.003-05:00

Last night, I was thrown a surprise 25th birthday party by my co-workers. Included in the festivities was Tinkerbell decorations, a lot tequila shots and 2 male strippers.

Needless to say, it was the best birthday I've ever had. And I still have more festivities this weekend, when I go home to see my best friends and eat at my favorite restaurant of all time for my actual 25th. I will NOT be drinking this weekend.

what the !?!?!

2009-02-19T18:51:00.002-05:00

i don't know how i managed.
i hadn't weighed in at WW since 1/14/09 and within that month, i only gained .6
meaning despite all of my "horrible" eating and no exercise, i put on less than a pound.

something positive!

get on the good foot and do the bad thing

2009-02-16T19:18:00.002-05:00

I skipped class tonight (a totally boring and stupid class) to stay home and make a heaping pot of pasta e fagiola. Beans, beef, broth and total warm yumminess. I did a halfway decent job at it. Very comfortable feeling in the tummy.

Getting my situational depression and anxiety under control is focus number one. Once I take care of that, weight loss and exercise will fall into place. I realize that I will not have a day off from anything until my 25th birthday. I have been earning/learning or interning 7 days in a row for what is going on 2 weeks. Something has got to go....This is my own fault and I must change my schedule before I crack like an egg and give up on it all!

I *WISH* I could just stop going to class. That would be so awesome.

blip

2009-02-11T21:25:00.003-05:00

Here I am, blipping on your radar. blip blip blip

I have not weighed myself in almost a month already. Liberating and scary at the same time. I am returning to WW to face the scale either this weekend or next week. I only started feeling good again yesterday. I got into a car accident last Wednesday (add to my shitty luck!?) and the remainder of the week I felt soooooo depressed and burnt out especially from work. I slept, ate and felt completely unmotivated and unwilling to do anything BUT sleep and eat and cry/complain. I usually complain, but I'm usually complaining because I am so busy. This episode was very different than what I'm used to.

Let's get to the turn around....

I exercised Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I tracked all POINTS since Monday. I feel that some of my depression caused my appetite to go haywire. And my haywire appetite caused some depression.

Which came first? The chicken or the egg?

Either way, I'm emerging from the funk and getting back on my feet.

this month ain't so hot either?

2009-02-03T22:23:00.003-05:00

I was rejoicing on Sunday when the calendar said FEBRUARY! It meant my January from h-e-double hockey sticks was over. And my 25th around the corner (2.28) So today, someone left a bottle of diet pills on my desk. Then I accidentally smashed the front bumper of the work vehicle and got yelled at TWICE; once for not knowing about the smash and once for making a sassy comment. Did I mention someone put diet pills on my desk?

I worked out on Saturday & Sunday. Last night I came home and did a little Pilates DVD. Tonight I am off, because I have soreness in my inner thighs and triceps. And because it's really cold outside.

So I am getting back on the workout track and I've quit smoking, for like, the bajillionth time. So I am craving sweets like a mofo. And since I'm confessing my sins to my anonymous public, for the first time EVER in my life, I purposely turned out the lights on Saturday night when spending time with my boyfriend. I was too ashamed of how my body looked now that I've gained some (possibly imaginary) weight.

Like Tony, I have some fat scars of my own. When I was a chubber, I was convinced that my body was fine but that I was ugly. So I believed I was normal weight and paraded around as such. It wasn't until I lost any that I realized two things. 1) I'm halfway decent looking and 2) I shouldn't have worn some of those outfits.

Now, I cover up. I am very conscious about how I look, even though I'm thinner than I was in high school. My confidence was only shaken when I lost the weight. How counter intuitive and lady like?

quickie

2009-02-02T18:23:00.004-05:00

Going to the gym on Saturday was so great, I did it again the next day.
AND I have plans to go tonight after class. I'm not as out of shape as I thought, although I haven't been super hard on myself.
Nows I just needs to work on re-learning how to track my points on WW and we'll be back in the game.

today is THE day

2009-01-31T07:23:00.003-05:00

last night, i breathed a sigh of relief when i handed back the keys to the d-bag loser from my old apartment.

then i went out to dinner with my friends and ate and drank and celebrated the feeling of relief. i even had a big fat slice of cheesecake with caramel and fudge and ohhhhh yeaaahhhhh.

but i found my sneakers in a box of random things strewn around my apartment.

and I am GOING to the gym today after work. even if it hurts and i will be sore for the next few days while i reconnect with my old friends "muscle" and "cardiovascular"

wish me luck. i have been chain smoking like a fiend and my body is a mush ball.

it's too easy just to fall apart

2009-01-28T18:34:00.002-05:00

It's been awhile.
I still haven't been to the gym, eaten healthy or got out of my funk. Saturday morning I lost control of my car and hit a mail box in the snow. I have been moving out the very last items in to the new place (which I am loving, by the way) and have been doing so after class at like 10 PM because I don't want anyone to see me. Tomorrow I have to clean up and get the last last stuff I have there. The keys get returned to the old apartment on Friday.

I am GOING to the gym on Saturday.

Today at internship, one of the other staff there made a statement that gave me a lightbulb moment. He (an avid runner and in his early 50's is in better shape than people half his age) stated that if he doesn't get to run, he goes crazy.

I thought to myself, as I ate my lunch, that perhaps I am going crazy because I haven't exercised in almost a month. Maybe that is why I feel so keyed up, on edge and have out of control leg shakey syndrome? Or why I have fatigue, loss of energy and an overall negative mood?

I am GOING to the gym on Saturday.

No more excuses. Saturday is the day that FGF will begin to peep her head out and then brush off the dust and try again...

What is "on track"?

2009-01-21T20:40:00.003-05:00

I am tired and out of shape. No time to work out with all of the business around moving, learning, earning and interning. I am still the health guru at work and I am still trying my darndest to stay on track. But what exactly is on track?

Everybody views their health and fitness differently. I read about all of you and I'm jealous because that area has taken a backseat as of late. I just can't get myself back into the swing of things, when I was doing really well with balancing everything and doing it with a smile.

My super heroine alter ego FGF eats within her Weight Watchers POINTS! each day, splurges when she can and goes to the gym on a regular basis. She gets enough sleep, drinks lots of water and has a weekly manicure. She is strong and beautiful and healthy. She can juggle work/school/work/internship/social life and a boyfriend. She can't exactly leap tall buildings in a single bound but she can walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath.

Jillian on the other hand is suffering today. Her nightmare apartment situation is almost over but she was referred to as "Judge Judy" in a very nasty e-mail from the old property manager when she mentioned her concern about being called a whiney tenant. She has been eating other people's cooking (read: Adam's mom) all week because she has no time or energy to fend for herself after working or interning a full day. She hasn't been to the gym since 1/2/09. Her only exercise has been moving boxes of stuff . She is feeling her midsection go soft and her thighs a little jiggly. She has started smoking Marb Lights again to ease the anxiety. She hasn't had a night of sleep without the aid of a OTC sleeping pill.

Jillian could use a serious glass of wine and a Xanax or two.

FGF is inside, screaming to be let out, lit up and unleashed. FGF is seriously hoping Jillian gets over this slump and starts taking care of business again soon.

So I guess my question for today is: how do you re-find and let out your inner super hero/ine?

excited?

2009-01-15T22:25:00.002-05:00

OK, well you will be.

If I get my professor's permission (and yours), I am using you as a project for my class.

What class? Eating Disorders, thats what!

OK, so don't get weirded out. Wanna know why?

Because you will be used to demonstrate an ED "prevention" program. This assignment isn't due until April but my brain was working overtime in my class tonight. The professor handed us the syllabus and I literally jumped out my chair, but I didn't want anyone to steal it so I kept quiet. (If you knew me for real, you'd know that was way hard).

I am excited if I get approval how I can show an informal support network of anonymous people promoting healthy living, providing encouragement and judgment free information to each other via the blog world. Those recovering from ED, fitness gurus, comedians, aspiring writers, personal trainers, college students, mothers and fathers, males, females, international folks and even a chubber from NY who started a blog to humiliate herself into losing weight all want the same thing. To feel part of something positive.

Cross ya' fingaaas and then tell me below if you would hypothetically want in on this gig if I can get 'er done....

here we are

2009-01-14T07:08:00.002-05:00

I am happy to report that I am doing fine and the procedure went well. The doctor didn't give me a lollipop but he did say that I did better than most women do. My boyfriend held my hand the entire time (even though he is sick as a dog). Thank you times a million for all of the support and information.

Speaking of sick, it appears that my body has resisted the cold season so far. It is a miracle I tink. I have held sniffly, boogery babies at work, my boyfriend is fighting a cold and there is a bug at the hospital I intern at and..nothing. Even though I have not exercised officially since 1/2/09, I have been eating healthy and getting tons of sleep. It appears that trying to live healthy really IS a preventative measure against sickness. Or maybe my body is telling me that getting sick now would f!@$ up my universe and has decided not to succumb to weakness?

My weight loss challenge at work has me probably winning the shoe card. Only one other girl has tracked what they ate and one bought a pair of sneakers but has yet to use them. A positive has been that the three of them have increased their water intake and reading the little newsletters I write up about being a healthy loser.

And finally, the cable man is coming today to my new place to set up service. Which means I am skipping internship and moving out what I can today to start staying at my new place. Because I have to live where there is TV and internet otherwise I throw up or die. Sunday, I will have a truck and 3 stronger than me people moving the heavy stuff I shouldn't lift (and secretly wouldn't want to)

I read a sign on a church thingie one day that said: Do not complain about what you permit. I have told you this before, but I adopt that as my personal motto. I can't complain about what I'm letting continue. I can kvetch for a few minutes and then take action.

So...my question for you today is: what have you done about something that's been bothering you lately?

long (sorry)

2009-01-11T07:30:00.002-05:00

I am bummed out this morning... Got the keys to the new place (and found out the property manager called me "whiney" on the phone reference to my new landlord) and I was all ready to pack up and ship out. Until it was ultimately determined by my better half that the snow was too ridiculous to move furniture in. Plan B will be to move out next Sunday morning, and during this week, continue bringing over my boxes of miscellaneous until I am officially OUTTA HERE.

Now in my health realm of life, we got some other stuffs going on. We'll start with the positive. I have started a "Weight Loss Challenge" in my suite at my full time job. The winner will be 5 pounds lighter by 2/14/09 and will win a gift card for shoes! Since I am at an unfair advantage (i.e. I've lost over 30 pounds and I know more about healthy eating/portion sizes/exercise) I have been making little motivational/information papers for them. Week 1 is entitled "Write it before you bite it" and I am teaching the girls about self monitoring what they eat. Week 2 is about moving for at least 20 minutes a day to get into the swing of exercise. Stuff I know already (and that I've learned from stalking all of you) is helping me to spread the word about healthy living as a choice and not as torture. Even if I don't "win" I feel pretty awesome being the health guru of the suite.

And now the bad news. Something that affects ALL women. Something I feel very strongly about, especially as I educate my teen clients about sex, birth control and protection. Something pretty personal, that I hope someone out there learns about and protects themselves. This is getting long...

Tomorrow afternoon, I have to have a LEEP procedure done. Despite my best efforts and even getting the vaccine for HPV (which hurt like a mofo), I have fallen prey to pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. This is not something I am proud of, in fact, it makes me feel pretty awful. People do not realize what epidemic proportions this is, because they down play out there. I believe the stats are on the rise and most women will have at least one abnormal pap in their lives. I am sharing this as a cautionary tale. And because I am scared out of my mind for this procedure and the fact that on top of this worry, I have school starting this week, work and internship, plus a giant move out of this nightmare.

2009-01-07T18:07:00.004-05:00

weight watchers was closed tonight due to inclement weather
i am eating the pizza i ordered before i knew that and drove all the way up there

at least pizza is goood

I did not eat pepperoni pizza.

2009-01-06T18:28:00.006-05:00

Tomorrow begins internship, and eventually my final semester of graduate studies. Next Monday is when classes start. Argh. argh. a r g h.

I went to the gym on Friday but I have been less than motivated to return this week. So I only get 1 sticker. But I was good this week as far as eating is concerned! I went to do a DVD when I got home from work, but they're packed somewhere and I don't feel like looking. So I will lay on the couch. I am really thinking that my feelings of anxiety and being overwhelmed are causing my body's desire to move to shut down and conserve energy? Anybody think that sounds like a good excuse?

In my own defense, I also took a nasty fall in the ice outside of my nightmare Saturday and I have a big bruise on my knee. And my knee kind of hurts. So I probably shouldn't use it.

But...
Blah. 9 pounds away from lifetime goal and 2 years later.

What's a girl to do?

relieeeeeef!?!

2009-01-04T16:28:00.003-05:00

The apartment nightmare looks to be OVER within the next week.
Here are pics of my new place:

Can I tell you a secret? I am so excited to move into a nice, clean, warm and not shitholey apartment. The heater is still temperamental (as in, IT decides when to work and when not to), there are no more shit explosions but now the plumbing is going haywire. The house manager is a scum bag and my landlord is a bastard.

I have called to set up cable and electricity in the new apartment and I am hoping to be all out of here by next Sunday.

That being said, there is still a lot about to happen aside from moving. I start back at internship this week. Next week begins classes. Plus I'm continuing at my per diem job. I am almost happy to get back into my grind but I will feel even better when I'm outta here.

I have been an insomniac as of late, with all of this planning and worrying. My anxiety is peaking! My heart is racing, my mind runs faster than you skinny racers out there and I just want to eat a pepperoni pizza right now. I am still not sure when I became an emotional eater. But I would love nothing more than hot cheesy pepperoni crusty in my tum tum.

I will not succumb. Instead I will eat a huge salad, and maybe a make a hot roast beef and swiss wrap thingie to soothe my cravings for meat and cheese. Perhaps I will go to the gym and get a sticker but I might just stay home and pack (for at least 20 mins and I get a sticker)

This is long, I know. But no one answered their phones on my way home and I needed to get stuff out...

happy jew year

2008-12-31T18:04:00.001-05:00

down another pound and out to celebrate that
+ my new apartment
+ the new year

happy 2009

the cycle

2008-12-27T12:25:00.004-05:00

This is me and my love on Christmas. He actually quasi smiled for a photo, which pleased me immensely. For such a handsome fucker*, he hates having his picture taken. At least I look cute?!

*I realize that I might be the only one who thinks my boyfriend is a handsome fucker.

Yesterday, I did my CRUNCH! Bikini Body Workout DVD b/c I didn't feel like leaving my apartment. Today I hurt, deep in my "core" and my booty. Even though I HATE the video, and I use curse words at the bimbos dancing around in their neon pants, they worked me good yesterday. Today, I stopped by the gym on my way home from Adam's house and did 30 mins of cardio on the elliptical. Although I must have looked like a fat elderly woman climbing on and off the machine, and I still hurt. I got two stickers for the week so far!!!

My usually emptyish gym was PACKED today. This made me chuckle. People get so caught up around this time of year on trying to lose weight/exercise and then give up by mid-February. I only know about this pattern b/c I've been trying for two years now to lose the weight and I am witness to the cycle. Even Weight Watchers rooms are packed with resolvers. This too fades once people give up.

Bottom line: if you're reading this and/or writing your own blog, it is my mental health professional's opinion that you probably haven't given up just yet. Even if you're not doing it all right all of the time, you're trying. The odds are in your favor. For every 20 people at the gym today, there will be 5 by next month and it will continue to taper down.

And I plan on being the dork still waging war against my appetite and my pants size at the gym by myself in March

new yeaah's revolutions

2008-12-24T17:45:00.003-05:00

This is me and my friend Kathleen last Friday at the Christmas party. Kathleen is doing exactly what I am doing, minus one job and two less classes but we're in the same boat. I am glad to share this boat with her.

My name is Jillian, and I'm a Jew on Christmas Eve. Mama Fatty is on her up way here and I am planning on doing an exercise DVD for a few before she arrives. Then I will cook a nice healthy chicken dinner for us. And we will probably exchange presents and then argue until we go to sleep.

Wait? Me & Mama have an interesting relationship. I have inherited most of Mama's good qualities (I'm nice, I'm outgoing, I'm sensitive) and some of Mama's negatives (I have flabby arms, I can be passive aggressive) and none of Mama's worstest quality (she means well, but is VERY VERY VERY closed minded/judegmental almost to the point where I feel criticized no matter what because of that "tone" and the "shoulds" that I believe most Jewish mama's do). Mama is also pretty annoying. We fight like sisters with rabies. But I love her, because she instilled in me strength and independence and good looks.

Oh, and I lost 1 pound. Which is nice to me.

Back to the topic at hand. This years brainstorms of New Year's Resolutions.
Ready?
Set?
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I want to lose @ least 5 lbs by my 25th birthday (2/28/09)
I want to actually read my textbooks this semester and do well (i got a 4.0 this past one without reading, but still...)
I would like to spend more time being YOUNG! and FUN! and SPONTANEOUS! before I get married and make babies and can't anymore
I will go to Weight Watchers meetings each week, because I *need* that support. I can't do it by myself. I want to stop bouncing around and succeed.
I will learn to say NO! when I can't and YES! when I can
I will exercise 3 x's a week, no matter what, even if it's not hardcore gym-ery

6 is a good number for now.

Any of you starting your resolutions????

nightmare on bridge avenue

2008-12-21T11:20:00.004-05:00

Dear Landlord,

Below I have documented what the last two weeks have been like for me. I am beyond upset with the living situation, which is hazardous, unsafe and unsanitary for me. There are FECES coming out of my shower/tub drain and the main heating unit in the apartment is not working. I asked about getting my security deposit back and leaving the premises by Feb 1 instead of Feb 28th as described on the lease. Dave (house manager) stated he would look into this with you. If this situation is not rectified within a timely manor, I am going to request that I be let out of my lease early so I can find livable, safe and sanitary housing for myself. I will also be looking into calling code enforcement and consulting a lawyer about my rights as a tenant in bio hazardous conditions.

Week for December 1, 2008- Was asked by house manager not to use shower or toilet, as there was an issue with the downstairs tenant’s apartment being inundated with waste and water from the other units. Was advised that this issue was resolved by the middle-end of the week.
December 7, 2008- I found feces and hair in the drain of my tub.
December 9, 2008- I found feces in my tub upon waking up in the morning. Called house manager to rectify the situation. Again, at night, found fecal matter in the drain of the tub. He stated that he would call the plumber to fix this and kept in contact with me to ensure that this issue was not happening anymore.
December 12, 2008- The main heating unit of the apartment did not have hot air coming out of it. Called house manager who came by and looked at it. Was able to correct it by blowing on a mechanism
December 13, 2008- The main heating unit did not work through the night and I saw house manager outside shoveling the property. Told him about it and he came inside. He determined that the board inside of the unit was not working. Kept in contact with me throughout the day to let me know that he would be ordering a new board to have replaced by the end of the week. Upon arriving home from being out for the day at 3 PM, there was feces in the tub again. Called him and asked him to come and see. He responded that he would be over shortly. House manager came to the apartment with tools at approximately 3:25 PM to look at the heating unit and the tub again.

Right now I'm at my boyfriend's house. He came to pick me up yesterday because I was soooooo angry with everything that's been going on. No heat in the winter. Poop in my tub. Thank G-d I am not in school right now, or else I'd probably go on a shooting rampage.

GUESS WHO IS PACKING THEIR BAGS AND LOOKING FOR A NEW APARTMENT ASAP!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!

I DOUBLE DOG DARE that jerk landlord to try and stop me. I have pictures of the poop in the tub. I sent them to him plus the above e-mail.

Anyone need a roomate? I cook and I clean and I'm halfway decent looking....

doobeedoowaah

2008-12-19T09:06:00.004-05:00

I just ate a lot of pancakes. With walnuts, peanut buttah and lite sugar free butter flavahed syrup. I am in a happy place. For reals, ya'll.

Today is a Christmas party for job #1 (my full time position). I am technically on vacation from work but I like free food and celebrating so I am going in. I made my world famous "Cranberry Sass" which consists of: whole berry cranberry sauce, little canned mandarin oranges, pineapple chunks and walnuts mixed together in fruity nutty refreshing bliss. This recipe was invented when FGF didn't have enough cranberry to make a sauce and threw in other stuff to make it have more surface area. The rest they say is history. I hope I also get a present.

All presents are purchased at this time. Adam's Hanukkah gifts are in a bag and ready to go. Aside from the plaque I made him, he also gets: Band of Brothers on DVD, an Indiana Jones calendar, binocular strap thing for hunting, a green fleece, a chocolate silk pie, these cool wipe things for CD's and DVDs and ME! I'm the 8th present.

I got my mom this

because she has diabetes and her feets need love. I also bought her a George Foreman with removable plates (which kicks my Foreman's ass) so she can eat healthy. She is doing WW too and she's lost almost 20 lbs GOOOoOOOOooo Mama Fatty!

OK, time to return to bed to get my beauty rest for today's party.

Have a quality day.

vacation boredoms

2008-12-17T13:36:00.002-05:00

I have some neato styrofoam curlers in my hair and I am relaxing in my sweats and thinking about braving the snow to go get some peanut butter cup ice cream. Instead, I will write something that makes me feel good.

Look over there --------->
It says that I hit 160 lbs in March of 2008. I've bounced down from 155 and back up to 160.something but haven't gone over that mark since then.

I realized that this morning when I posted on TA's blogger about holiday eating/letting go (thank you!!!!). So in honor of celebrating positives, while mentioning negatives, because that's who I am, I will tell you a secret of sorts.

I have been on Weight Watchers for two years next month. I am not where I hoped I'd be, and I am not at lifetime weight. I dreamt that I would be thinner now, with more control over my appetite and pants size. I imagined I would be going to meetings for free and being offered a leader job to help other people lose weight. However, at my own pace (the most diplomatic way to say) I have managed to keep off 30+ pounds for almost a year now. So in the face of negativity, I have found something to be proud of.

I can think of what 33 pounds of hamburger meat looks like. Or a toddler. And while I still have more to lose, I think a toddler is a lot to keep off.

living up to potential

2008-12-16T09:25:00.004-05:00

Good morning. I am back. I have returned after a blogging/stalking hiatus as I ended my semester. I just tried to check my grades, but they aren't up yet. I have been sleeping and eating for the last few days and I realized a new obstacle of mine....

Ready?

I have a problem with food intake and exercise when I'm off schedule. Spontaneity ruins my efforts and I get caught up in everything and forget what I'm doing. Maybe you suffer from this too? If I am working and then home every day, I plan my meals for the day and have time set aside for moving. I have packed lunch, packed snacks and healthy food for dinner when I get home. When I go out to eat, spend time away from home, go out with friends... I lose all of my willpower and eat whatever's in front of me. I've felt like crapola the last few days, with no moving and all moo-ing. I am so going to the gym today. My new health insurance gives me $300 for membership and healthy things I do. Woo hoo. I just have to get over the cold weather and get into my groove again.

Also? It helps when I post my stuff and stalk you peoples. It helps to reinforce what I'm doing or rather, what I am trying to do.

Here's to jumping BACK on the ball. And not falling over.

Whats the ball YOU keep falling over? And what are you gonna do about it??

hi.

2008-12-15T15:58:00.004-05:00

vacay is glorious.
i've spent a lot of time sleeping and eating.
i have failed my 152 by 12.12.08 but i'm ok with it.
POWER OF NOW is decent so far. Still hokey but I'm into that feelings crap.
i will return to more normal posting and stalking you blogger buddies tomorrow! but today my boyfriend stayed home from work to hang out with me and i'm enjoying the good company.

<3 fgf

Fatty Tries *AGAIN*

the fight

fatty is trying

doing this

you cant be burnt out if you werent on fire

food for thinking

can i?

Quickie update:

small victories and minor setback.

TRY-umph?

epic fail

trouble in paradise

motivation vs. procrastination

the consensus is in!

Day 1

there is a crack in everything

geessh

lament!

put money where your mouth is

new thang

a must read

answered prayers.

lazy hazy

motivating idea

ugh.

untitled.

honoring the past

upside of looking down

just say NO

nemeses and notebooks.

sweet surrender

3 poundses

what the...

relapse.

fighting the good fight?

Losing it.

down down down

TWENTYTEN

act your age, not your waist size!

conclusion?

Aha! moments #2

A candle loses nothing

no negatrons here!

angel versus devil

one six nine

YOgurt dilemma

In dreams...

blurb

s-u-c-c-e-s-s thats the way you spell success!

so i make the rules...

the real skinny

on the up

good morning, fat ass.

stop & smell the roses

hungry pants

soul meets body (long entry)

easier said, than done.

soul searchins

disgusted

a new/old vice

anything after BUT....

whoa whoa whoa

ahhh.... push it!?!?

quasi internet celebrity

the menu

acceptance/ piece of mind

kidney ouch!

eating habits

hi my name is jillian

cause and effect

on a roll....with butter

When one door closes.

here's to hoping

hoooah

deepest apologies

mmmm victory?

sham-wow

how to spoil your diet without really trying

what the !?!?!

get on the good foot and do the bad thing

Fatty Tries AGAIN