soul meets body (long entry)

Yesterday was a difficult day. Fighting with my boyfriend makes my body go on hunger strike, which is good, I guess. If we fought everyday I'd be thinner by now??

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But yesterday was a good day too. I spoke with my doctor and we discussed my weight(after she jabbed me in the arm with a flu shot). I told her that I was down to 156 last summer, but had gained about 20 lbs back. She told me to try Weight Watchers. I shared that I have been going for the last 2.5 years, never stopped trying on one level or another and that I am struggling. We looked at some charts and graphs and decided that 160-164 would be a borderline healthy target for me. She said that because I am larger framed (i always knew it!!) that 120-130 lbs might be unrealistic for me. She was pleased that I try to exercise 3 times a week, but I said that I want to try cardio 4 times a week and strength training 1 day. So I am holding myself to it. I am going to exercise 5 x's a week if it kills me and I will muster up the energy to do it after work and/or force myself out of bed in the morning.

With that, she wrote me a note that 160 is a healthy target weight for me on her doctor pad. And I will hand it in to my WW Leader Lady. And then 160 lbs will be my lifetime goal and I can finally STOP PAYING and possibly become a leader myself. I think I would be a good candidate for Leader, aside from the whole professional counselor piece. It's going to take me another couple of months too get down to 160 but I will be fighting the good fight.

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On Wednesday, I saw the psychiatrist. He is monitoring my progress since I stopped taking antidepressant medication back in June. We talked about my plan to talk with the doctor (see above) briefly. He asked if there were underlying issues with weight and self-image and relations and sex. I told him that I was/am comfortable in my role as "chubby funny friend" and when I lose weight, I lose that role somehow. I no longer have the excuse that I'm not attractive or the excess flab to hide behind. People are nicer to me, men pay more attention, yada yada yada. My last two significant relationships before this one, I had lost weight and essentially decided to break things off. This happened simultaneously with the weight loss of course, but it still plays some weird role in it. Dr. L and I discussed that maybe I unconsciously put weight back on in this last year because I don't want to break up with my boyfriend.

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It makes sense for me to take a look at the biological and psychological issues at hand to get the whole picture.

easier said, than done.

In professional news, I have just scheduled my exam for my LMHC (licensed mental health counselor) which will be happening on 9/18/09. Please, pray for me to pass.

In health related news, I have still been struggling but still trying. I *actually* asked for help this week at work. At the hospital, we have a nutritionist and an activities counselor who also does fitness modeling or something. I talked with both of them and I felt weird but ultimately OK with asking for help from people who know me. They gave good feedback.

The receptionist at Weight Watchers said I should talk with my doctor about getting my goal weight adjusted. If my doc deems it appropriate, I would not have to be 150 lbs in order to achieve lifetime. The dilemma is this: I know I can maintain around 160 when I get there. I did it. Am I cheating myself in the end and giving up? Am I really ready for lifetime/chance to be a Leader?

In the body image, self esteem department I feel defeated. I feel like I look like a beluga whale and my clothes are getting too tight. I am contemplating switching WW days and attending the meetings with the leader I like, who I did well with awhile back. I am also contemplating Medifast

Being proactive for things that DON'T come naturally is harder than the first and second time around...

soul searchins

Time to pick myself up by my own bootstraps and ask of myself "What am I *really* hungry for?"

Yes, I've gained back 18 pounds. A reader sent me a clip of an article about weight loss motivation (if you're interested, check in the comments section of my last post) and in it was the question above.

So I asked myself, what am I really hungry about? Why am I overweight? Why have I been unable to maintain weight loss in the past? What in my life is not working? Why do I want to lose weight?

I have learned that going out with friends is a trigger for me. My friends and I tend to eat and drink when we go out. It's how we socialize. When I go out with the intention to drink, I make bad choices in eating. When I'm out to eat, I'll usually have a beer or glass of wine. Eating for me is comfort and social. I want to be able to enjoy myself, and unfortunately, that is equated with eating and drinking. I guess I would say I am hungry for companionship because I live by myself and when people want to spend time with me, it's usually to go out drinking or eating. Even at work, if someone invites me to lunch, I go. Someone brings in food, I'll eat it. When I am alone with my own food, I eat within my POINTS.

I am overweight because I continue to gain weight even despite what I consider my best efforts to lose. I end up overeating one day and it spills over into the next day. Usually because I don't have to self control to say "NO!" or to just order a salad if I do go out.

I have been unable to manage weight loss in the past because every time I do well, I get cocky. I reward myself with food. This is my cycle. I do well and I fuck it all up. Maybe I am scared to be attractive to others? Not that I am *THAT* heavy now. I am still down 20 pounds from when I had initially tried to lose weight. I may honestly be scared to maintain the weight because that used to require more work then losing it. Now the losing is hard too, because I've gone up and down again. And again.

What in my life is not working? This question may require deeper digging. I am actually doing well, I think. I have a job, a supportive boyfriend, great friends, my own apartment and car and all of that outside stuff. My job is very stressful, but I don't know how that contributes to my eating. I don't eat at the cafeteria anymore, which was a very good decision. I think my "NO!" button is broken and I am still equating fun with food.

I would like to lose weight to be healthy and avoid all of the issues that run in my family. I would like to lose weight to look good. I would like to lose weight to have a strong baby vessel when the time comes for me to procreate. I want to lose for good reasons.

Thank you, Kris, for giving me this idea.

disgusted

I have officially gained back 18 pounds since last July.

I don't have anything nice/positive to say about this, or myself or anything right now.