Tuesday, July 31, 2007

so this is what it's supposed to feel like?

2 jobs + boy + busy week = no time

no time to update, no time to get weighed in, no time to buy groceries, no tiiiimeeeeee
but i did take some pictures this weekend....

weight loss has taken a back seat to this week, sorry folks.

i'll be back, next week....


Friday, July 27, 2007

what you eat in private, you wear in public*

Hello, my name is Jillian. Right now I am chewing on some lettuce. I like lettuce, covered in blue cheese vinegarette. It makes me happy. Especially because I am so ridiculously tired, I can't stand it. And...I still have to head out to job #2 in a little while.

This week hasn't been too awful. Not awful at all :-)

I've been exercising, doing a little more weight training for my arms and abs. And the results are starting to pay off. A lot of my co-workers, who see me everyday, have been commenting on how I'm looking good. I mean, I always look good. But my body is starting to slim down again and it's being noted. This is good.

Wednesday night, I did childcare at the office. Instead of eating pizza and wings (which would be the equivalent to 2 slices of pizza (14 points) and probably 3 wings <9> which would totally take over my day) I BROUGHT MY OWN DINNER TO EAT! I had Weight Watchers Macaroni & Cheese and a piece of steak (10 pts combined) I had cooked from the previous night. Although I hated every friggin' second of NOT eating delicious pizza and wings, I felt proud of myself for NOT succumbing to it.

Thursday night, I went on my first 1st date since last August. We did Houlihan's and I ordered one of my favorite dishes there (Navajo Chicken Pasta) As soon as it came out, I asked the waitress for a container to put half of it in. It took her a few minutes, but get this.... my date WAITED for me to get the container to shovel food into before he started eating his own food! I didn't even end up finishing what was left on my plate, but I'm glad I've taken to putting half of it away automatically. We went to go see the Chuck & Larry movie, which was kind of funny but I could have lived without it.

Afterwards, I met out the girls for a drink or 2 in honor of Amy's 23rd birthday. Didn't get home until 1:30 in the morning. Didn't really sleep well as I'm still waking up a lot to pee. Also, who can sleep when they're excited? I certainly can't!

Anywho, I'm going to lay down for a bit and then start cooking some dinner before I head to job #2 for the day. I'm thinking a jalepeno turkey cheese burger with no buns will be a nice finishing touch to a long day and a nice beginning to a longer evening.

Monday, July 23, 2007

in pictures

I am happy to report that my "fat-teau" (think plateau) is officially over. For now.

This week, I topped out at a whopping 166.6, meaning that I lost 3.4 pounds of hamburger meat (just in case you needed a visual aid) I've also lost some inchage around the body this week. I am relieved that I've moved past this hurdle, where I bounce above and below 170 but never really got away from it.

I'm now throwing myself a pizza party in honor of losing 27 pounds and 15.5 inches of...well, ME! I'm 1 pound away from losing all of what I had gained back. So, you can see, I'm very excited about all of this. I had planned to be 165 by the middle of August. Maybe I'll get down there sooner than expected?? I am going to try to be between 160-163 by the time I go back to school at the end of August, early September. WISH ME LUCK! I'll really need it.

Stats time:
Arms: 11"
Legs: 21" (-1")
Waist: 32.5 (-.5")
Hips: 37" (-1")
Current Weight: 166.6

Cumulative: 27 down, 18 to go (holy shit)

This week went pretty well. This new job is totally kicking my ass, but I really like it so far. It keeps me busy, active and fulfilled.

Saturday evening, I went to my friend Michelle's house for a "Couples only, plus Jillian" dinner party. I indulged a little there, eating bread dipped in seasoned olive oil and even having dessert. I only had 1 whole plate of food: pork loin, sauteed veggies and roasted potatoes. Then instead of eating another helping, I made a plate of just salad. Michelle's roomate's boyfriend kind of made a comment about all of the salad I piled on my plate. I kind of made a comment back about having a lot more weight to lose. All in good fun of course, but I had to remind myself that not everyone has to struggle with their weight. Chris (that's his name) is a very thin young man. I doubt he's ever even counted a calorie, or dated a girl who had to. Here are some pictures of our lovely evening (in case you don't stalk my webshots)

After dinner, Michelle pulled out pictures of college. If I wasn't depressed about being the single girl at the party, I was definitely depressed about seeing pictures of myself in my freshman year. Not only was I fat, but I was hideous as well. Like...gross. Alex (Michelle's roomate) even turned to me and said at one point, "No offense, Ms. Jillian, but you are way better looking now then you were in college." Truth be told, I wasn't offended. She was right. I think I may very well be the exception to the rule that you looked better younger. At 23, I feel I'm the most attractive I've ever been. I think I just needed to grow into my looks. If I keep getting hotter as I age, then perhaps at 30 I'll be a bombshell?!?

It's funny to think how pictures of myself now, will eventually be fat girl pictures too....

I found another post-secret secret that I liked:


Monday, July 16, 2007

frustration at an all time high

I stayed the same.
170 lbs.
No loss, and thank G-d no gain.
I'm pretty pissed off (I was SO good this week) but I won't give up.
I can't even celebrate that I lost 1/2 inch of thigh.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

my feet are keiling me

Sorry. I found it and I had to post it.

A very special hello to my world-traveler friend Garima (who I finally got to speak to this morning!) I agree with you, we're both pretty fucking amazing. You are my hero for giving up conventionality, following your dreams and going to EUROPE by yourself!!!! And I'm your hero because I'm in grad school, I'm busy with 2 jobs and I don't put up with people's shit? (I think you win this one.)

I just stalked Weightwatchers.com and discovered that 360 minutes of leisure walking (or in my case, working a 6-hr shift at Talbot's) is equivalent to 14 activity points. Seeing as I only get to eat 23 points per day, it's looking like this job will not only improve my wallet, but my waistline as well. I have a strong feeling that I'm really going to like retail.

This past week presented no real challenges, except that I was friggin hungry in the beginning of the week. Trying to adjust to actually eating the right amount of points per day, and really tracking everything was rough. But, I got it down. And I started this job where I'm walking for hours at a time. I'm so freaking bored of counting points, tracking food and exercising. I wish this weight was gone, yesterday. Then I realize it's the 6 month WW mark, and anyone would be bored of doing something non-stop for 6 months. This happened to me last time. I got bored and then got unmotivated and then...then I got fat again.

Friday, I worked 9-5 as a social worker. Then I worked 5:30 until about 10 as a sales associate. Shortly thereafter, I went out with Caitlin. To: my favorite bar to chill out at, Lionheart. Not even 2 minutes in, I get tapped on the shoulder by a guy I flat out rejected several weeks ago. (By reject, I mean, I explained that I wasn't interested in a relationship. With him. At all. He then called me a loser; I deleted him all forms of communication.) While I was TRYING to order my drink, he asked why I didn't say "hi" and it was for obvious reasons. Jillian doesn't take kindly to people who disrespect her, bottom line. He proceeded to call me an "asshole" (calling me another name will REALLY make me like you, crybaby!) and told me that if he worked at Lionheart, I wouldn't be allowed inside. I told him to grow up, surprisingly very calmly. After the initial annoyance, (all of the bartenders/bouncers told me not to worry about him) I got pretty buzzed and had a blast. Met some other pretty cool people. None of them 29 yr old cry babies who lie and have children. Good for me.

(This is us getting ready. I had just come out of work. I'm bent over, but wearing spike heels. Yes, she really is that tall.)

Yesterday, my friend Michelle and I went to Saratoga for the day (after I worked, with a wicked hangover) and walked around/shopped. It's almost horse race season, so we took pictures with some of the horsey statues.
Here are a few:
We stopped into a little boutique and the clothes were adorable, but the sizes were tiny. The clerk asked if we were finding everything OK, to which I responded, "Yeah, everything in here is fabulous. I just wouldn't fit into any of it." This was SUPPOSED to be funny, and if she was half-way decent at her job she would have given me a better answer than: awkward silence and a little chuckle. Eventually, we made our way to a nice boutique, with nice ladies working in it and nice clothes that fit real people. I purchased a sweet green/white top. Don't know where I'm going to unveil it.

On a side note, I'm never going into a Cold Stone Creamery. I think I will like it too much, and since I have an addictive personality, I'm not even going to try it out.

Michelle and I then when on a hot date (with each other) to this Italian place called something or other, I forget. I ordered a giant Greek salad (dressing on the side) and a dish with rigatoni, prosciutto and porcini mushrooms, with peas in a brandied cream sauce. It was heaven. I automatically put half of it away in a container and ate what was on my plate. So good. I ate it for breakfast this morning.

OK. So that's my weekend. Extremely busy and always good looking. Tomorrow I *hope* to have great news. Phew...that was LOOONNGGG.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

#50... a midweek update

Weird adjusting to a normal week with no stupidly delicious obstacles like: Beer-B-Q's, holidays, eating dinner at restaurants or emotionally charged binges because someone's Nana went to heaven. I'm almost sad that if I gain weight this week, I will have no decent excuse. Nope. It's ALL me.

I've been counting each point, writing down exact portions, drinking tons of water, and not eating when I'm not really hungry. I'm loathing exercise, yet I keep forcing myself to work out. I'm kind of bored of dieting and exercising but I refuse to give up. I have a little more focus now.

Good News?: Tomorrow I start my 2nd job at Talbot's (for those of you who don't know, it's a women's clothing store) after regular work. I'm excited for this. It will keep me busy, active, earn me moola$ AND I'll get a sweet discount on clothes. Also, I got an "A" in summer school, meaning that my job now has to reimburse me $500 for tuition. I've decided to buy a digital camera with the money and put the rest in my savings account.

Bad News?: None :) (for now!)

Blast from fat past?: Oh...no? Yes? ok!
muhahahahahahaha look at those buttery rolls! At least my hair was purdy?!

Monday, July 9, 2007

does this make me look fat?

This week has been particularly challenging. Monday, mom came up and I ate at Debbie's Kitchen (the *best* sandwiches!) and did something I haven't done in AGES. I ate deli meat, on a hard roll. This is something I NEVER EVER DO and it was sinful. I felt a pang of guilt, but decided that I would be good this week and that was my reward.

Wednesday, I feel like I ate like a slob. In retrospect, it probably wasn't too much. And I know I would have/could have eaten more about a year ago. Gross.

Thursday, I did fine. Friday was another story. I took one of my kids to lunch at Ichiban (rough job, I know?!) and ate 20 points in one sitting. Then Kristen and I drove down to Amy's Nana's wake in Newburgh and needless to say, it was a very emotional few hours. And then, afterwards, I did the unthinkable. We went back to her parent's house and I fed my face with brownies, cake, chicken, roasted potatoes and pizza. All reasonable amounts of course, but still I felt like a bottomless pit. I felt like I was eating to fill something. I was eating for feelings. Which was scary to me.

To be honest, I wasn't going to weigh in tomorrow at Weight Watchers. Although I've exercised every, single day this week, I've also lost control of my appetite in bad way.

But then, I think about all of the "fans" I have, (which looks silly to type out but it's kind of true) and I almost feel like I'd be letting you down if I only reported back successes. Losing weight is a hard thing to do, and there are natural ups and downs to it. And what kind of person would I be if I ditched out a weigh-in, when I actually had a tough week?

Well, wish me luck for tomorrow. Today it's gallons of water and tilapia fillets /salad for dinner.
UPDATE: 7/9/07

Just got back from my meeting, which I braved. I gained a pound.
I have to get re-motivated and start with a re-newed sense of enthusiasm. I'm going to challenge myself MORE at the gym and really track what I eat.

Arms: 11"
Legs: 22"

Current Weight: 170

I'm also setting a goal to be 165 pounds by mid-August. 5 pounds in a month. Let's do this.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

happy birthday america

I'm home, after a loooonnnggg day of stuffing my face with junk food and drinking beer IN DOORS because it RAINED all G-d darn day. Kristen and I went to a Beer-B-Q with some of our friend Michelle's Albany Med School friends (pics to be posted once Kristen gets them uploaded) and I'm feeling down in the dumps after having such a great day....seriously Jillian, WTF?! The people we met today were really cool. They were like me, intelligent AND fun-loving. They used big words, laughed at my jokes and stories and appeared to be impressed by my chit-chat about the work I do.

I did pilates this morning in preparation for over eating. I arrived, with a 40 oz of Coors Light in hand and a mindset NOT to eat everything in sight. And, I failed. Miserably. We stood around the table and ate. Talked with other party go-ers and ate. I have not yet mastered open-eating social functions. I must work on this, or I'm certainly doomed. Especially since my social life has improved dramatically over the last few weeks.

Last night, we tried a new bar out called "Graney's" and I must say, I had a blast. It was karaoke night, and I discovered that I'm pretty damn awesome at it. The guy who ran it even asked me to do a surprise duet with him. We sang "Summer Lovin'" from Grease. I rocked it, at least that's what my friends told me. I sang some other songs too. The audience gave me very positive feedback. I've found my calling as a bar singer. Screw this master's degree.

I guess there's no rational reason to feel stinky today. I usually hate holidays immensely. There is always such pressure to have something to do on these days. It also reminds me that a lot of the people I care about are far away from me. Yep, holidays depress me like no other.

I'm also feeling very self-conscious about my body as of late. Regardless of how many people tell me how fabulous I look, my confidence is shaken at the moment. And by the moment, I mean, right now. I'll probably feel differently tomorrow. Hopefully I'll feel differently by tomorrow.

I will chalk this up to being bored, as school is over and I'm waiting to hear back about an interview at Talbot's for a part-time job. I will also blame my hormones being out of wack, because I think Cindy (my cyst) is still alive and kicking on my ovary. I just feel like a piece of me is missing today, and I believe it's OK to feel this way sometimes.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

eehh no-salt-sundays

I'm beginning this entry on Sunday night, but only because my mama is coming tomorrow to visit me/go shopping with me and I won't have time to update completely. Plus, I've got a TON to say. Most of which I won't post, but still.

Topics for today's entry include:
Eating Obstacles
Clothing Shopping
Chubby Chasers

Eating Obstacles:

Friday evening, I took the mom's from the parenting group that I ran out to Olive Garden for celebration din-din. As soon as my meal came out, I put half of it in a to-go container. I was so friggin proud of myself. I also ordered whole-wheat linguine instead of the regular stuff. I finally ate the leftovers today. Tasted so good.

Yesterday I went to my friend Devan's engagement party and ate like a heifer. The set-up was gorgeous and I was happy to be invited to share in her special day (hi devan!) Sooooo, in actuality, it wasn't all that much food. The appetizers were DEELISH (sausage and JUMBO shrimp on a stick!). I filled up half my plate with salad and then meat (chicken picatta, filet mignon, salmon something or other!) I know that I could have done better, but I couldn't resist. If I've gained any weight this week, which I very well could have, I won't be angry with myself. Every single day presented itself with something special/delicious. And I put my best effort into enjoying special delicious within moderation while exercising 4 times this week, including a 4 mile walk today!

Clothing Shopping:

Today I went an applied for a job at Talbot's. I also realized that I am petrified to buy clothing. I don't know exactly what size I really am. I'm in between mediums, larges, and I'm confused. I tried on a large t-shirt today and I was literally swimming in it. I remember this feeling from the last time I lost weight. It's a tumultuous time for me. All of my current pants are beginning to bunch up/get baggy around the tush and they're falling off of my waist. I can't afford to buy too many clothes at the moment and I also don't want to invest in anything until I get closer to goal. So, I'm going to be walking about with my pants falling off my booty and everyone will laugh at me. I'm not paranoid. If anyone has any hand-me-downs in size 10's I would gladly take them off your hands for you.

and finally....
This one is particularly easy. Too easy. I will not lie and say that I think I'm skinny or even average sized. I'm fully aware that I've still got some weight to lose. I'm so proud of how far I've come since I began, but I'm not delusional. OK? Ok. So we've gotten that out of the way and well, the first step is admitting it.

That being said, NOT ALL BIG GIRLS HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM and/or NO SELF-RESPECT. Hey boys, listen up. Not every "fat" chick is desperate or deserves to be mistreated because you are an insecure little douche baggie. She can, and probably will do better than you. Although I'm not a self-proclaimed bitch anymore, I'm certainly not afraid to say my piece. Strong females should refuse to tolerate bullshit, from anyone. Boy, girl, or in between. I can't really go into why I'm ranting about this, but if you really must know, feel free to ask me.

Personally, I have new found respect for people who are comfortable in their bodies, while I will also fully acknowledge that I could not accept my size when I was bigger. I started to lose weight for the wrong reasons. And when I find someone WORTH sharing my new, smaller body with, it will be for the right reasons. Not to mention the benefits of being healthy ;-)

Now all I need to do is get rid of these boobs that refuse to shrink...

(weight update 7/2/07)
Arms: 11"
Legs: 22"

Current Weight: 169.0 *so i gained .4 of a pound BACK. Not too shabby considering how every day this week was food filled.

**I also just re-signed up for WW online and learned that I'm supposed to be down an additional point in food, making me have a maximum of 23 points per day. This past week I was eating 24 pts. This factor, including all of my eating, could explain the slight gain.