Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
This is me and my love on Christmas. He actually quasi smiled for a photo, which pleased me immensely. For such a handsome fucker*, he hates having his picture taken. At least I look cute?!
*I realize that I might be the only one who thinks my boyfriend is a handsome fucker.
Yesterday, I did my CRUNCH! Bikini Body Workout DVD b/c I didn't feel like leaving my apartment. Today I hurt, deep in my "core" and my booty. Even though I HATE the video, and I use curse words at the bimbos dancing around in their neon pants, they worked me good yesterday. Today, I stopped by the gym on my way home from Adam's house and did 30 mins of cardio on the elliptical. Although I must have looked like a fat elderly woman climbing on and off the machine, and I still hurt. I got two stickers for the week so far!!!
My usually emptyish gym was PACKED today. This made me chuckle. People get so caught up around this time of year on trying to lose weight/exercise and then give up by mid-February. I only know about this pattern b/c I've been trying for two years now to lose the weight and I am witness to the cycle. Even Weight Watchers rooms are packed with resolvers. This too fades once people give up.
Bottom line: if you're reading this and/or writing your own blog, it is my mental health professional's opinion that you probably haven't given up just yet. Even if you're not doing it all right all of the time, you're trying. The odds are in your favor. For every 20 people at the gym today, there will be 5 by next month and it will continue to taper down.
And I plan on being the dork still waging war against my appetite and my pants size at the gym by myself in March
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
My name is Jillian, and I'm a Jew on Christmas Eve. Mama Fatty is on her up way here and I am planning on doing an exercise DVD for a few before she arrives. Then I will cook a nice healthy chicken dinner for us. And we will probably exchange presents and then argue until we go to sleep.
Wait? Me & Mama have an interesting relationship. I have inherited most of Mama's good qualities (I'm nice, I'm outgoing, I'm sensitive) and some of Mama's negatives (I have flabby arms, I can be passive aggressive) and none of Mama's worstest quality (she means well, but is VERY VERY VERY closed minded/judegmental almost to the point where I feel criticized no matter what because of that "tone" and the "shoulds" that I believe most Jewish mama's do). Mama is also pretty annoying. We fight like sisters with rabies. But I love her, because she instilled in me strength and independence and good looks.
Oh, and I lost 1 pound. Which is nice to me.
Back to the topic at hand. This years brainstorms of New Year's Resolutions.
- I want to lose @ least 5 lbs by my 25th birthday (2/28/09)
- I want to actually read my textbooks this semester and do well (i got a 4.0 this past one without reading, but still...)
- I would like to spend more time being YOUNG! and FUN! and SPONTANEOUS! before I get married and make babies and can't anymore
- I will go to Weight Watchers meetings each week, because I *need* that support. I can't do it by myself. I want to stop bouncing around and succeed.
- I will learn to say NO! when I can't and YES! when I can
- I will exercise 3 x's a week, no matter what, even if it's not hardcore gym-ery
Any of you starting your resolutions????
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Below I have documented what the last two weeks have been like for me. I am beyond upset with the living situation, which is hazardous, unsafe and unsanitary for me. There are FECES coming out of my shower/tub drain and the main heating unit in the apartment is not working. I asked about getting my security deposit back and leaving the premises by Feb 1 instead of Feb 28th as described on the lease. Dave (house manager) stated he would look into this with you. If this situation is not rectified within a timely manor, I am going to request that I be let out of my lease early so I can find livable, safe and sanitary housing for myself. I will also be looking into calling code enforcement and consulting a lawyer about my rights as a tenant in bio hazardous conditions.
- Week for December 1, 2008- Was asked by house manager not to use shower or toilet, as there was an issue with the downstairs tenant’s apartment being inundated with waste and water from the other units. Was advised that this issue was resolved by the middle-end of the week.
- December 7, 2008- I found feces and hair in the drain of my tub.
- December 9, 2008- I found feces in my tub upon waking up in the morning. Called house manager to rectify the situation. Again, at night, found fecal matter in the drain of the tub. He stated that he would call the plumber to fix this and kept in contact with me to ensure that this issue was not happening anymore.
- December 12, 2008- The main heating unit of the apartment did not have hot air coming out of it. Called house manager who came by and looked at it. Was able to correct it by blowing on a mechanism
- December 13, 2008- The main heating unit did not work through the night and I saw house manager outside shoveling the property. Told him about it and he came inside. He determined that the board inside of the unit was not working. Kept in contact with me throughout the day to let me know that he would be ordering a new board to have replaced by the end of the week. Upon arriving home from being out for the day at 3 PM, there was feces in the tub again. Called him and asked him to come and see. He responded that he would be over shortly. House manager came to the apartment with tools at approximately 3:25 PM to look at the heating unit and the tub again.
Right now I'm at my boyfriend's house. He came to pick me up yesterday because I was soooooo angry with everything that's been going on. No heat in the winter. Poop in my tub. Thank G-d I am not in school right now, or else I'd probably go on a shooting rampage.
GUESS WHO IS PACKING THEIR BAGS AND LOOKING FOR A NEW APARTMENT ASAP!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!
I DOUBLE DOG DARE that jerk landlord to try and stop me. I have pictures of the poop in the tub. I sent them to him plus the above e-mail.
Anyone need a roomate? I cook and I clean and I'm halfway decent looking....
Friday, December 19, 2008
Today is a Christmas party for job #1 (my full time position). I am technically on vacation from work but I like free food and celebrating so I am going in. I made my world famous "Cranberry Sass" which consists of: whole berry cranberry sauce, little canned mandarin oranges, pineapple chunks and walnuts mixed together in fruity nutty refreshing bliss. This recipe was invented when FGF didn't have enough cranberry to make a sauce and threw in other stuff to make it have more surface area. The rest they say is history. I hope I also get a present.
All presents are purchased at this time. Adam's Hanukkah gifts are in a bag and ready to go. Aside from the plaque I made him, he also gets: Band of Brothers on DVD, an Indiana Jones calendar, binocular strap thing for hunting, a green fleece, a chocolate silk pie, these cool wipe things for CD's and DVDs and ME! I'm the 8th present.
I got my mom this
because she has diabetes and her feets need love. I also bought her a George Foreman with removable plates (which kicks my Foreman's ass) so she can eat healthy. She is doing WW too and she's lost almost 20 lbs GOOOoOOOOooo Mama Fatty!
OK, time to return to bed to get my beauty rest for today's party.
Have a quality day.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Look over there --------->
It says that I hit 160 lbs in March of 2008. I've bounced down from 155 and back up to 160.something but haven't gone over that mark since then.
I realized that this morning when I posted on TA's blogger about holiday eating/letting go (thank you!!!!). So in honor of celebrating positives, while mentioning negatives, because that's who I am, I will tell you a secret of sorts.
I have been on Weight Watchers for two years next month. I am not where I hoped I'd be, and I am not at lifetime weight. I dreamt that I would be thinner now, with more control over my appetite and pants size. I imagined I would be going to meetings for free and being offered a leader job to help other people lose weight. However, at my own pace (the most diplomatic way to say) I have managed to keep off 30+ pounds for almost a year now. So in the face of negativity, I have found something to be proud of.
I can think of what 33 pounds of hamburger meat looks like. Or a toddler. And while I still have more to lose, I think a toddler is a lot to keep off.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I have a problem with food intake and exercise when I'm off schedule. Spontaneity ruins my efforts and I get caught up in everything and forget what I'm doing. Maybe you suffer from this too? If I am working and then home every day, I plan my meals for the day and have time set aside for moving. I have packed lunch, packed snacks and healthy food for dinner when I get home. When I go out to eat, spend time away from home, go out with friends... I lose all of my willpower and eat whatever's in front of me. I've felt like crapola the last few days, with no moving and all moo-ing. I am so going to the gym today. My new health insurance gives me $300 for membership and healthy things I do. Woo hoo. I just have to get over the cold weather and get into my groove again.
Also? It helps when I post my stuff and stalk you peoples. It helps to reinforce what I'm doing or rather, what I am trying to do.
Here's to jumping BACK on the ball. And not falling over.
Whats the ball YOU keep falling over? And what are you gonna do about it??
Monday, December 15, 2008
i've spent a lot of time sleeping and eating.
i have failed my 152 by 12.12.08 but i'm ok with it.
POWER OF NOW is decent so far. Still hokey but I'm into that feelings crap.
i will return to more normal posting and stalking you blogger buddies tomorrow! but today my boyfriend stayed home from work to hang out with me and i'm enjoying the good company.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I know he doesn't read this, so I posted it to celebrate my craftiness. Adam likes hunting, as a sport. I like sleeping, as a sport. My semester of heck is officially OVA. Sunday begins my week of "No earning, no learning and no interning" aka my friggin vacation.
This upcoming week, I will finish holiday shopping and look for a new apartment. Without getting too graphic, I need to move out of here when my lease is up. I have had bouts of human waste exploding out of my shower drain into my tub. I have literally had some shit happen this week that I am not happy about. Add this, to the infestation of flies of the summer, the random stuff going wrong all of the time and....well, I think you're all smart enough to know what I mean.
I am weighing in tomorrow, after a week of half way decent food-i-tude. I am already exhausted from beginning to slow down. I didn't think that would be possible, but alas, it is true. I am reading a book called "The Power of Now" about Buddhism to enlighten myself during my break. Got it from an LMSW from my internship who said the book helped change his life. It seems a little hokey, but I respect his opinion, so I'll give it a try.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
And writing to you.
This last week has been hectic. Stress isn't officially over until 7:15 PM on 12/9/08 when I hand in my last term paper for the semester. I cannot believe I made it through an entire semester of craziness!
This week I'm down 1.6 whole pounds and I don't know how that happened, but I'll take it. And run with it.
I was thinking about quitting WW and doing it all myself but today at weigh in, I talked with the WW leader and we have officially revised my final weight to a goal that more reflects where I really want to be. And so, with great pleasure and relief, I present you with my new lifetime membership goal weight:
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
And I ate A LOT of candy this week.
I lost .2 for today. No biggie, but a step in the right direction. That direction being DOWN!
After I weighed in, I went to the gym and bopped on the treadmill for 25 mins. Now I'm home cleaning up before my mama gets here.
Despite the fact that I lost as much as I would have if I had blown my nose, I felt like it was a big deal that I worked out. Because I was really going to go home and really lay down for a few hours and not weigh in and not work out.
.2 in victory. Happy Thins-giving to you!!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Hi! As I write, I should be cleaning my apartment for Thanksgiving and beginning my final papers and maybe even catching some extra sleep or something like that. But I'm here, typing. (Because the bathroom is all finished and smells like an orange!) This year, I can't go home (2.5 hours south of here) because I have 45 hours left of internship to complete. Since I have no real family, besides my mom (Mama Fatty?) she is coming to my freezing cold shit hole apartmento and I am making dinner for us and my boyfriend and his mom if she feels like coming over. Hence why I am cleaning. Company must be impressed. My house must have the aroma of orange and cleanliness.
I am sad that I can't go "home" and see my high school friends. And party with them for Thanksgiving Eve. Although I am often referred to as "social" and "friendly" and "has appropriate hygiene".... most of my closest friends, who know ME and love ME for who and what I am, live far away from me. SO far that I can't close my eyes and be there with them. I am OK with this Thanksgiving though. I am happy to be with a few people I love and to have the control on how the meal is prepared (low fat green bean casserole!!!! mashed sweet potatoes!!!)
I usually hate holidays. Deep seated hatred from the pit of my stomach. I hate the pressure to have something to do that every holiday brings. I hate the fakeness of it all. I hate how people don't appreciate what the holiday originally stood for. Whoa angry girl. Go back to scrubbing the toilet.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
At the preggo house, one of the teen girls I was close with who moved to another placement called and said she gave birth to her second child this morning and wanted me to come see him. So after work, I went to the hospital and spent about an hour holding him and talking with her and her boyfriend.
No gym. BUT I did just do 20 minutes of my Pilates DVD to re-introduce myself to exercise. So I feel slightly better. Now I have to write a serious paper that's due tomorrow night.
Sometimes, I feel that I should just stop trying to lose these last 10 or so pounds. I look good and I'm really healthy (I think?) . Do I really want to give up and maintain this weight and continue struggling to get free Weight Watchers? Or am I just frustrated for feeling like a loser?
What I do know, right now, in this very moment? That my brocoli soup smells delicious and I'm going to eat it while I write this dang paper.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I am writing to you as I spoon soup into my mouth and my pork loin grills away on the foreman, in between work and class. And sorry, no time for weigh in this week, as life as been more hectic than a hooker in church.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
In other news, I am exhausted. Sunday I pulled a double at the preggo girl house and have been working and schooling non-stop. I have not and will not have a day off until Thanksgiving. I have also not made it to the gym or got any significant exercise since 11/3/08 (hooray for stickers on calendars!). I am eating as well as I can. I am just. so. tired. Yous will also be glad to know that I put in for an entire week's vacation in December. I have the time and I need it.
I am running on fumes.
Monday, November 10, 2008
I was thinking about throwing myself a 25th b/c twentyfive is a big year. But I've been thinking some more, and, I was also thinking about how cool it would be to have a party that I graduated with my master's degree.
In other news, I'm running late for work.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
The players: Me and some male patients of the hospital.
The scene: The young and reasonably attractive intern is at the condiments table, gathering some napkins for her home made rice and beans lunch. A few of the male patients are eying the intern and snickering. The intern looks at them, acknowledging that whatever they are saying is NOT appropriate. A male patient then approaches the intern and says "Congratulations!" The intern, puzzled, asks what the male patient intends to congratulate her on. He responds "Oh...I heard you were pregnant and I wanted to congratulate you on the baby."
"I am not pregnant, maybe you heard wrong," says the intern, looking down at her mid-section. She is wearing an empire waist blue dress to knee length and tan cowboy boots. Underneath the dress, she dons a pair of SPANX! that slims and shapes and should NOT suggest any sort of pregnancy bump.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Today, Adam and I went to lunch and a movie on a date. We went to Ruby Tuesdays. I used to think I didn't like the place but I changed my mind. Salad bar is a good time. The only thing that PISSED.ME.OWF (NY accent!) is that I specifically said "No mayo" and lo and behold and stuff, there was white on my Turkey mini burger. I didn't eat it.
We also saw "RockandRolla" with a bunch of famous people in it. Good movie. Very confusing but good. Guy Ritchie is pretty smart as a writer/director. Afterwards, I went to the gym. I have a goal to achieve bo-dang it.
In other news, I am planning where my NEXT apartment will be, because my lease is up in February. Also in February, my 25th. And I want to throw myself a party somewhere nice and invite people I like to it. Those are my innerworkings.
Plus, I have this goal of losing the 5 by 12/12/08. I am hereby enlisting YOUR help (yes, you!). Please don't get annoyed and stop reading my blog because for the next 5 weeks or so I will be talking about this goal of mine. Please give me words of encouragement, tips, "pull ups" (that's rehab talk for 'constructive criticism'), work out ideas....
ANYTHING YOU GOT I'LL TAKE IT!!!!!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Before I count my blessings, all onehundredfiftyseven of them, I hereby declare that I have a corrective action plan listy in place to avoid another upswing. And here goes:
- Do not put everyting me see in me mouf, eh?
- I will attempt to lose 5 pounds by the end of this semester (i.e. I am hoping to weigh 152 by 12/12/08)
- Think BEFORE I eat...Check in with my feelings? am I really hungry? am I bored? am I tired? am I trying to fill an imaginary hole with food?
- Congratulate myself for NOT eating something, even when I want it (I forgot where I read this but I think it's a good idea)
- DO NOT STRAY! (This is mental notey to myself. I always bring enough food for my day in my lunch box. A lunch and two small snacks. Always. And when I stray from that is when I get into trouble...food trouble)
- Plan ahead. Anticipate hiccups (free food or alcohol)
- Exercise *but don't beat myself up by eating* if I can't make it to the gym. I have several DVD's in my arsenal. I can do 20 minutes of one and get a sticker.
- Ah yes, along with #2, remember to take each day at a time. Small goals work better for me.
- Remind myself very often that no matter what I am still hotter now, at 24, than I was in high school and college.
- Food is for eating. Food is for nourishment. Food is stupid. "NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS BEING SKINNY FEELS."
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
But I'm lying.
The ugly and flubbery truth is this: I know I should be eating better and not putting everything I see into my mouth. I know this because I've lost almost a 3rd grader in pounds. I know this because I can whip up quick and healthy meals and control my portions. Lately, I just. can't. help. myself. I am eating and eating and then weirding myself out about it. I deserve a "vacation" from restriction. I have done so well for so long. Eating keeps me awake and energized to face this ridiculous schedule I have.
After a rough week (probably 2-3 since we're REALLY being honest) I am ready to admit I have a "problem."
Food is my drug and I am relapsing.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
This was my yesterday evening. My best friend, her husband, baby, sister (+two friends) and birthday girl mother went to the Cheesecake Factory with Adam and myself for din-din. Because I couldn't actually "eat" Evelyn, I decided it would be in my best interest to eat everything in front of me. Including my BANG BANG Chicken & Shrimp, which gave me horrendous gas for the rest of the evening and the most revolting smelling burps you could imagine.
In other news, I failed this week, again. I didn't follow my POINTS, I overate and I barely had time for the gym. Speaking of which, I have an off tangent rant. While I know that it is good to go to the gym and work out, and I feel some "gym guilt" when I don't go if I have extra time, I have decided that I cannot live at my gym. It's just not for me. There is this one girl, with an amazing body, who literally lives at the gym. I admire her body, but I'd personally have a little jiggle here and there and not miss out on some outside life things.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I still love grocery shopping. I get super excited going up and down the aisles planning out meals. I made it about 2.5 weeks before I went again for a big trip. I ALWAYS wish I had more money to spend and more POINTS to eat. I find new foods that I didn't know existed. Weight Watchers now makes 1 POINT chocolate cookies and I think I died and went to heaven. That's what I'll eat for dessert with a glass of skim milks.
I made a delicious dinner of pico de gallo and fresh spinach sauteed with shrimp over ISRAELI Couscous (which is serious and seriously yummy) and some real 50% less fat bacon bits.
My Sunday was spent helping Adam carry wood he cut down and stack the logs. Big heavy logs. Uphill. Woot woot. My biceps (I have them, didn't you know?) are still a little tender, if you will.
I gained .4 this week. I may have figured out what has caused the recent uppages over the last month. A few weeks ago, I bought a travel coffee mug. This now meant I could drink coffee to go and not just at home. Because I still liked my routine of coffee during breakfast, I have nearly doubled my coffee consumption each day. Double coffee = double coffee mate = POINTS I wasn't counting. This week, I will actually count a POINT for my precious coffee and see how I fare. It's one less thing to eat but I need my coffee fix, especially since I quit the cigarettes.
Thank you and goodnight.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Just when I think I've got it good, and admit it, I consequently cause my OWN drama. Today, I knew I was going to be OK when I stopped myself. I am seriously wondering if I should talk to a doctor about having PMDD.
Not so much POINTS counting this week, but I've been watching what I eat and being smart. I will weigh in this Tuesday to see how I've done. This will gauge whether or not I need to mix things up or keep things up.
Going out tonight. To a bar to meet up with my friend who moved out of town but is back for a one night only. Last night I went to a Japanese Hibachi Steakhouse and ate all my din-din plus some fried ice cream. Mmmm mMMmMm nom nom whatever noise you make when something is great. I spent $54 on the whole meal: miso soup, salad, veggies, fried rice, shrimp appetizer, steak and two glasses of cold lychee sake. Then I got suckered into going to a bar and did that for a little bit.
All of this cold weather is making me a lush again?
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
So apparently, a weight loss week (WLW) beginning with McDonald's and Snickers bars isn't the way to set the tone for a positive and productive week.
I have been a piglet. No control. Drank 3 nights in the same week, which is UNHEARD of. Barely exercised*. But on a personal note, I can't complain. Things are going pretty darn snazzy with school, internship, work and socializing. My boyfriend and I are doing well. My hair is slowing down with evacuating from my head. A little give and take in life is nothing to be ashamed of. I guess I have taken a by accident vacation from dieting and exercise and I'm not really mad at myself. I just want to try for better next week and STOP PAYING FOR FRIGGIN WEIGHT WATCHERS!!!!!
*Yesterday I skipped the gym and went outside for exercise. While walking (running too!) I realized that I have officially overcome my fear of being active. Like, I've been a million times more active in the last few months than ever in my life, but I'm finally free of the weird feeling associated with it.
Did you have any NON SCALE VICTORIES this weekend?
(I guess this will be my interactive question, since it must getting boring just commenting on my ramblings)
Friday, October 10, 2008
wine, beer, sjots
you name it
i drank it
and i ate a plate of flash fried calamari! even after a day's worth of POINTS!
i even called my boyfriend's friend's girlfriend to see if she wanted to do karaoke with me tomorrow night and she said YES! which makes me so uber happy.
i am NOT uber happy to be at work tomorrow morning at 8 am.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
[You will thank me]
Then my friend called me to say that our comprehensive exam grades were up. So I nearly threw up in my mouth and then checked my email and saw:
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)"
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
And I pooped today.
S O M E T H I N G has got to give.
I am getting smaller. I know it. My bras are becoming embarrassingly baggy. People are commenting on me looking thinner. So why oh why oh why am I gaining .2 here and .2 there!?!?!?! Tonight, I ate McDonald's and a Snickers bar in protest. No, I don't feel better.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
I am supposed to be writing two assignments due tomorrow and Tuesday respectively. I worked at the preggo girl house all day, went to get a haircut (place was CLOSED early) came home, went to the gym and now I'm back. To procrastinate. On the real, yo.
I can't possibly top last post, so I won't try. I was having a moment and the moment has passed. I have been working uber hard to watch what goes in my mouth these last few days. Even still, when you think you're making a good choice, it ends up costing you tons of POINTS! and then you eat pizza with your boyfriend anyways, despite the fact. Like the Quizno's Black & Bleu salad I ordered yesterday that ended up being 15 WW POINTS. I ate the pizza, b/c I didn't want Adam to feel like a fat-ass eating by himself.
I hate that $^&*.
In other news, tomorrow begins a new week. I got to the gym yesterday & today and I've been running a little more and a little faster, challenging myself in the cardio realm. I'm noticing that I no longer have a fat roll hanging out of my size 10s. This pleases me.
Being pleased is more incentive to try harder. It's a positive cycle. I am trying to get down to goal, hopefully by January 1. DESPITE the fact that my body seems to be happy here. I am curious to see if my body will allow me to lose these last 10 pounds and be able to maintain. I have also noticed that for a LONG time, my body bounced between 160-165 and now that I've dropped below that marker, my body is enjoying 158. Ehh, perhaps my body is taking her sweet time to get adjusted to a certain weight before losing.
Ok, really. Time to write papers. Hope you had a stellar weekend.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
I gained two tenths of a pound at last night's weigh in.
Probably because I didn't poop yesterday....
Today, my internship site supervisor was assisting me in working with a patient. He's 41 with a 9.5 th grade education. He mentioned something about wanting to get his GED and do something with his life BESIDES drink and use crack. My supervisor "J" made the statement that just because you have the piece of paper, doesn't mean you have brains. She called it the "Wizard of Oz-ology" and I said out loud "That's deep." And I swear to G-d I almost cried when I realized how right that movie is.
"Why, anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the earth, or slinks through slimy seas has a brain! Back where I come from we have universities - seats of great learning - where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts, and with no more brains than you have. But - they have one thing you haven't got - a diploma! Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Universita Committeeatum E Pluribus Unum, I hereby confer upon you the honorary degree of Th.D.
"As for you my fine friend, you are a victim or disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger you have no courage! You are confusing courage with wisdom. Back where I come from, we have men who are called heroes. Once a year they take their fortitude out of mothballs and parade it down the main street of the city. And they have no more courage than you have. But - they have one thing that you haven't got! A medal!! Therefore, for meritorious conduct, extraordinary valor, conspicuous bravery against wicked witches, I award you the Triple Cross. You are now a member of the Legion of Courage!
"As for you, my galvanized friend - you want a heart! You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
But I - I still want one.
Back where I come from there are men who do nothing all day but good deeds. They are called phil....er.....phil...er...er....good-deed-doers and their hearts are no bigger than yours, but they have one thing you haven't got! A testimonial! Therefore, in consideration of your kindness, I take pleasure at this time in presenting you with a small token of our esteem and affection. And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others."
I didn't cry in front of the patient, but I wanted to. We (I) have the power within ourselves (myself) to change our (my) inadequacies when we (I) just give up what we (I) expect and see what's really there. Externals have nothing on what's inside of us (me).
And so, with that, I make this next comment:
Being skinnier, doesn't necessarily mean I will be happy.
I hear testimonials from some of you who are overcoming ED's. Skinny girls still have problems with life, men, money, depression, family etc. All of life's issues will not be solved in a size 6 if they can't be solved in my current size 10's (or if you want to count when I hit size 14)
When I'm so down and out sometimes, tired and cranky and sad, I must remember that I can just be the best me I can be and leave it at that. I still wish I was done with losing weight, but I feel that this WHOLE journey is actually just a life lesson in disguise.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
A thought piece by FGF
In some ways, I have been a grown up for many, many years.
Mom raised me on her own and I've been working since age 14. I've also raised Mom a little bit. I was a wild teenager of sorts; going to bars, experimenting with drugs and boys etc. But I graduated high school going to the college of my choice, maintaining a B average, participating in loads of extra curriculars, not pregnant, no criminal record and voted as "Class Clown." At 18, I sure thought I was grown up.
Fast forward to college. 3 years of eating, drinking, playing rugby, trying to get boys to like me. Then my senior year set in and I became serious. I wanted to go to graduate school. Senior year I worked part-time on campus at the Sub Shop and got hired at my internship working with at-risk youth in a pregnancy prevention program. I took 5 classes, ran my own psychology experiment (about how we judge overweight people vs. thin people) and was preparing to get my own apartment. Being busy and employed meant I sacrificed nights of drinking with people I had next to nothing in common with anymore. I was labeled a loser because I had focused myself on moving to the next step in life, when people I surrounded myself still clung to their college social lives. This made me a grown up right??? I graduated college going to the graduate school of my choice, maintaining a 3.1 GPA overall, participating in loads of extra curriculars, not pregnant, no criminal record and signing a lease to my very own place. At 22, I sure thought I was grown up.
Now we fast forward to September 28, 2008. I'm pretty sure I'm more grown up than most people I know, even some older than I am. Bills are not a measure of adulthood, only responsibility. Maybe it's the line of work I'm in, but I feel like my attitudes have shifted a lot lately. To me, grown up means acceptance of what you're good at and what you need to work on. Knowing when to apologize. Knowing when to choose the relationship over being right all of the time. Grown up means if you don't say something about an issue that's wrong or affects others negatively, that means you agree with it. It means standing on the two feet G-d gave you and knowing when to lean on someone else if you get knocked off of those feet for a few. Being a grown up is all in your head. Nothing external like bills, kids, etc can make you an adult. Heck, even today, most 16 year olds are more physically mature looking than I am. Sometimes I feel weird for being my own person. Guilt, regret that I'm not out having fun like normal 24 year olds. But I justify this with the idea that I have my eyes on the bigger picture while they are continuing (dragging out) their adolescence. I feel better.
OK, out of my brain.
The comp exam went well. I think I passed. It is a standardized test but we are being normed against each other and the few people I've talked to afterwards agreed that some of the questions were bull. I got my mani/pedi but did not chop off my hair. I went to the gym but I did not get drunk. I haven't drank since I quit the ciggies. Why reward myself with something negative ?!?!?! I spent most of yesterday afternoon drifting in and out of sleep watching "House" and "Law & Order" and it was glorious. I might still get a hair cut today.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
I called in "sick" today. I told my boss that I had a doctor's appointment for my irritable bowel syndrome. As a joke. Because she knows darn well that I'm off for my CPCE today.
I could really use a cigarette, but I've been smoke free now for almost 3 weeks. No cheating. And I'm not using the patches anymore. I really could use just one puff though and I won't do it, because 1 equals a pack equals back to being a smoker again and I can't do that.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I've officially filled up 3 full 26 week WW books and am on my 4th. I am happy that I've maintained a weight under 160 since 3/28/08 but am frustrated that I am STILL paying $40 a month to be a Weight Watcher. I should be getting this $#!+ for free. I told this to the lady who weighed me in this evening (her name is Sharee) In 4 minutes I managed to tell Sharee my life story. I just want to hit my goal weight, which is 10.6 pounds away.
The funny thing is, is that I'm making sure I exercise as much as possible and sacrifice other things, like laundry& house cleaning. Moving has become a commitment I dedicate myself to. Above everything else. NO matter how tired. I spend at least 30 minutes in the gym, being creative with my time to see how I can mix it up in that time period.
I lost .8 this week.
I weigh 158.6 lbs.
I am still studying (and falling asleep) furiously for my test on Saturday.
I want to be my goal weight and save my money and spend it on better things, like clothes or peanut butter.
I am switching focus from being healthy to being wealthy.
Lets see if THAT works.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
I have been noticing several of these in other people. Without divulging too much, I did an intervention with another service provider for one of my *muffins* (aka clients) because the kid was going to get booted from where she lives due to her drug use. At first, she vehemently denied using and then....the flood gates opened. She wasn't ready to be a grown up, she doesn't know who she is, she is scared and angry and....BOY COULD I COMISERATE!? She looked like she lost 50 pounds in her catharsis moment. LIGHTBULB! And then, once she realized she wasn't in trouble and that people were there to support her no matter what, she agreed to try treatment. Personally, I've grown attached to this one (I've been through a lot with her) and I want to see her succeed.
Next day, at internship, I'm doing a psycho-social assessment on a new patient. He explained reasoning why he drank and used. I summed it up in a sentence for him and POP! Lightbulb moment for him too. Maybe I'm not the first person who ever pointed out to him that he wants to please others, but his face and his reactions told me different.
I am currently waiting for my next true AHA! moment, where my little lightbulb goes off over my head and I feel like I've lost 50 pounds. The first true AHA! release for me was in therapy two, almost three years ago when I finally accepted that I was an angry person (and rightfully so) and that I had a problem with it. Next AHA was when I stepped on the scale and topped out at 193 lbs and knew I was too close to two hundred. Others include: realizing that I'm too busy to care about friends who aren't true blues or bring me down, that bills MUST be paid on time and cookies are not necessarily their own food group (ok, that was a joke, but still).
Have a lovely weekend. Tomorrow morning Adam is taking me to the balloon festival. Pics to follow.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
To know me is not necessarily to know me. Lots of people know me. I was voted class clown in high school, people knew who I was in college and now I network myself with other service providers in the Capital Region in NY. I'm loud, I'm blunt, I curse like a sailor. I'm silly. I'm funny and bubbly and I'm depressed? Whoa where did THAT come in? Like lots of Americans, I battle not only with fat thighs but also sometimes, depression. And now, after reading up on this B12 crap I'm deficient in, I saw someplace that it has something to do with mood and can cause depression and irritability. DING DING DING. Perhaps I should just take my sublingual vitamins and shut up and stop worrying about this (they taste like cherry!)
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
My blood is deficient in Vitamin B12. We will be doing a blood test again in the upcoming months. I am being ordered to take sub-lingual B12 vitamin and I'm going to buy some more multi-vitamins tomorrow. Not the cause of the hair loss, but my hair is noticeably thinner feeling the last few days. Great. Grand. Wonderful.
I am seriously wondering if all of this has been caused by my abandonment of red meat? I've pretty much given the stuff up, except at restaurants or events. Sometimes only eat turkey/chicken or fish once a day but I eat peanut butter, beans and cheese. And eggs. Awesome how I'm technically at my healthiest weight, with good eating habits and exercise and now I'm getting sickly!?!?!
11 weeks left of this...even though I'm just feeling tired and not overwhelmed.
Maybe it's a shout of exhaustion!?! I've been working, learning and interning now going on 9 straight days with no end in sight until 9/21/08. (I worked Sunday at the preggo girl house from 8-4)
No word from Dr. Hauser about my hair or my leg. The hair that's leaving my head has sprouted on my chin. I found 3 chin hairs in the car with my co-worker yesterday when we were examining our faces in the car mirrors. BOY WAS I ANGRY! Like so angry I almost spit.
I'm still not smoking and waiting for my free nicotine patches to come in the mail.
I'm anxious for next Saturday when I take my Comprehensive Exam for my master's in Community Mental Health Counseling. I'm trying to study but LIFE keeps happening. After the comps, I am rounding up anyone who took it that day and making them drink with me. I am calling it "Inebriation until graduation"...even if I end up drinking alone....which would probably be funny. I also want to make a shirt for myself that says "No." or "I can't" to wear whilst taking the exam.
On a positive note...I'm still alive. And pretty decent looking.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
In other news, I'm exhausted. At the doctor's yesterday, I got blood drawn and an x-ray. She wants to rule out any problems with my thyroid because of the male pattern baldness (ok, the clumps of hair falling out). She thinks I have a bone spur which means that I am going to the gym today after work because I'm not in pain. And I will do low impact on my leggers.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Mind you, I'm wearing a dress and high heels as I run back into the biulding to find my professor. She's in the bathroom, I'm hollering "teacher lady, teacher lady I'm going to be a grandma!" After I explain what I mean, and get the blessing to miss class, I show up at the house (luckily right by grad school) and I'm out of breath. Everyone in the house is calm and some of the girls tell me I look nice in my dress but my face looks like I'm a zombie. I pack a very uncomfortable 17 yr old girl into my Yaris and we head for the hospital.
I've never been in the actual delivery room and I've only seen labor on T.V. so this was a first for me. I ended up leaving at 2 AM when her older sister showed up, but I was grateful for being asked. While I'm not religious in a practical sense, I believe that babies are miracles and gifts from a higher power and I felt blessed to be present.
Funny thing is, my stomach was hurting all day yesterday but I couldn't figure out why....I had cramping kind of pains that were uncomfortable. I think it was sympathy pains!
Now I'm heading to the doctor and internship. I hope Dr. H can tell me why my bone is popped out and why I am suffering from male pattern baldness.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Here is a picture of me with chocolate cupcake on my teeth (it's not poop, I swear!) I lost 1.6 pounds and am at 157.8.....thank you stress! Even after the wedding...where I drank at an 11.
Today I quit smoking again. I feel like I'm going to rip someone's face off and laugh. I know tomorrow the withdrawals will be way worse. Internship had a catered picnic and I ate 33 POINTS in one sitting (my daily allowance is 22) and I am going to bed EXHAUSTED with no dinner. This afternoon I ate at an 11. I am amazed at how NOT hungry I am... knowing full well that I ate over my daily allowance and felt satisfied all day. The old me would have eaten a dinner just out of spite.
Sadly, my shin bone is still popping out of my leg and I am on the injury boat. My right hip bone makes a clicky noise and pops out of the socket. I am taking a break from exercise until I see my doctor on Friday to discuss my physical ailments as well as why my hair is falling out in clumps. The funny part is, I want to exercise really badly to get out some tension and stay at an 11 on my recently revamped weight loss and attitude adjustment. I wish I had peanut butter covered cigarettes.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Yes, I am actually handing this paper in tonight. Hope you enjoy my "academic" side.
To begin this experiential reflection assignment, I will share that I am not ready or willing to give up the only two “vices” I have. I am a highly caffeinated smoker and although I am not proud of this, I’m also not in a place where I am able to stop either “addiction.” With my current work, school and internship obligations, these two substances keep me going, when the going is getting rough.
I know eventually, I can end these habits. I can go a day here and there without consuming caffeine. Sometimes, I get a nasty headache towards the middle to end of the day if I have not had any. After successfully quitting (again) I have recently began smoking cigarettes, despite my better judgement. Cigarettes have a calming response for me; they are an old friend that doesn’t talk back or cause me trouble. They sometimes suppress my appetite. They enhance the effects of alcohol when I go out for a drink with my friends. I do not drink very often anymore. In fact, the thought of giving up alcohol briefly crossed my mind but I wanted to abstain from something meaningful in my life and really get an understanding of addiction from this assignment.
I just can not give up the two most unhealthy and detrimental substances in my life right now. I lack the willpower and the desire. Consequently, I am abstaining from peanut butter for the entire semester. Peanut butter is another substance that brings me joy, so I will test my ability to cut it out of my life for the next three months or so.
Why Peanut Butter?
I consume peanut butter on a regular basis. I choose to do it by the tablespoon. I eat it for breakfast, on whole wheat wraps or in my oatmeal. I add to soy sauce to make a protein filled flavorful sauce for my vegetables during dinner. I like candy and chocolate with peanut butter as an ingredient. I put peanut butter on celery and apples for snack. If I have extra Weight Watchers POINTSTM left over for the day or just feel like it, sometimes I will dip my spoon into the jar. Just for fun.
My peanut butter of choice is Smucker’s Brand All Natural Reduced Fat Peanut Butter. It has a saltier flavor, with the natural oils still floating in the jar and it has little lumps of the peanuts still in it. The smell and taste of peanut butter make me happy. I think about peanut butter when I wake up in the morning, before I prepare my breakfast. I feel cravings for it sometimes. I can imagine the taste and the texture without having any in front of me. Peanut butter, while a relatively healthy food item, is a foreign substance that I consume even though I don’t necessarily need it.
To be honest, I am not looking forward to giving up my peanut butter. I rely on peanut butter for a quick meal or snack in between one of the many places I go during the week. A jar of it can last for several weeks, providing nutrition and a source of comfort and protein for me. It’s relatively inexpensive to obtain and very easy to find it in supermarkets and convenience stores.
I am nervous about when I need something quick to eat or I am craving it. Nothing will compare to peanut butter for me. I have a feeling I will substitute it for another spreadable food, much like an addict may use another substance to deter them from using the one the typically pick up. I am thinking humus will suffice for lunch and maybe Nutella spread can cover breakfast.
I have even gone as far as to throw out the jar of it that I had in my refrigerator. I plan on taking this assignment very seriously. Especially, because I believe it will help me to better understand the population I am working with at my internship with inpatient addicts at Conifer Park.
I think it will be quite funny to talk about it in class, as well as to participate in “check-ins” about how we are progressing with our abstinence goal. This will also be a weird source of humor, when I have to attend AA/NA meetings in the community. While I will be thinking about my peanut butter, they are discussing serious addictions like cocaine, meth and heroin.
After re-reading this paper, I can say that I’m either really crazy or very creative. Maybe both? I was able to compare and describe my love of peanut butter to an addict’s need for drugs or alcohol. I plan to take this assignment very seriously. I know that relapse is part of recovery and I fully expect to dabble in my peanut butter “problem.” Hopefully someday I will be able to successfully quit smoking. I’m thinking that day will be AFTER May of 2009 when I walk across the stage and grab that master’s degree out of someone’s hand.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
I caught the bouquet at the wedding last night. Pictures to follow. I also ate very reasonably and drank lots of vino. But I was good all day. When I came home, drunk, I cried/yelled to my boyfriend about wanting to eat cheese fries or have him take me to Denny's. I ended up passing out in my own drool while he watched the History Channel.
Today, I spent my only day off from life at the library working with my partner on an Autism project. Then I grabbed a slice of pizza with my friend Sally and her baby daughter before heading to the gym.
Get this....at the gym, I tried my first stint at interval training. (TA are you proud!?!?!) I wouldn't say it was high intensity or anything like that. I walked for 10 mins at 3.0 mph. Then I alternated between jogging at 5.0 for 2 minutes and back down to 3.0 mph for 1 minute. I did the 5.0/3.0 thing for 20 minutes. Overall, half an hour of work. I feel nice and relaxed and ready to sit here and write a paper for Tuesday night and study some more.
"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it."
Thursday, September 4, 2008
OK, we're back on the wagon of healthy eating. I've returned to fighting the good fight. Stayed within reasonable POINT-age today, although i DID have a beer with my boyfriend at the comedy show this evening.
Tomorrow is another internship day. 255 hours left to complete there. (woot. woot.) I'm getting used to the patients giving me the "updown" stare, where they check me out and then say "Oh, intern girl you look nice today!" (among other things) It's also funny when they talk about me in Spanish and have no idea that I understand what they are talking about.
OK, so I'll admit it...having addicts and alcoholics in rehab try and flirt with me is slightly confidence enhancing. Except for the creepy schizophrenic who gave me a standing ovation in the cafeteria and told me he missed me while I wasn't there. That was a little much.
He doesn't wear underwear or bathe.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Although I'm not completely thrilled with a gain, I am superhappyfrigginthrilled that I only upped myself that much and not the 55 lbs I was expecting to have gained.
I've been trying this new thing, where I eat more veggies and less meat. Although, tonight, I am celebrating with chipolte turkey burgers with jalepenos/onions/peppers inside. Yum!
Got myself a new weight tracker (to journal my meals for POINTS!); getting the swing of my new hectic schedule and overall I'm feeling better. I also re-joined the gym tonight.
Tomorrow, Adam & I are going to see Jeff Dunham with his parents, his best friend, and the friend's wife. Some laughter will be good for me :-)
Monday, September 1, 2008
So I already know I have 69 of 168 hours each week accounted for with activities I have no choice in. If I try to get at least 7 hours of sleep each night that's another 56 I don't have. Add at least 1/2 hr to commute to school from work, internship from home and back and that's 6 less. Bringing me a grand total of: 37 hours a week to: cook & eat, work out, do homework, write papers, socialize?, grocery shop, do laundry, clean my apartment and any other miscellaneous thing that comes up.
May I also add that Six Flags New England SUCKED. Plus I have had this nasty knee pain all weekend, and upon closer inspection I noticed the top of my (tibia?) shin bone is kindof popping out of my leg. I have been ignoring this pain/affliction because ALL areas of my life involve me walking a lot. My gym membership has officially expired and I am doing home DVD's until Wednesday when I can get over there again and re-enroll...because NOT having a gym membership is not an option for me.
I'm not complaining. I promise. I just realized some more of why my eating was so unhealthy last week. I was PMSing, stressed and worried about how things would get done! And you know what? Things still kind of got done.
Now I can spring my plan of regaining control back into action...
Thursday, August 28, 2008
If exercising was a wagon, I would still have one leg on it.
If being tired was a wagon, I'd be on the fucker with my seatbelt on.
I hope this entry makes sense. I am so tired it's almost painful to be awake. I am home to eat briefly before night class. Alls I know is that on Saturday @ 5 PM I can relax a little. Sunday my boyfriend and I are going to Six Flags New England with another couple. Hopefully I meet the weight requirements to ride the rides.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Yesterday, however, I was craving carbohydrates. My usual cup of cereal was increased by 1/2 cup (no biggie). I had a Fiber One bar for morning snack. I ate my lunch (1 c. whole wheat pasta, 1 chicken sausage, 1/2 c. shrimp, peas, peppers, onions and two kinds of mushrooms in Alfredo sauce) and then ate 3 pizza crusts and ended up eating two slices of pizza. I had orginally declined pizza because for 3 WW POINTS more, I had more food groups covered. Then I caved because I couldn't get enough carbs into my body. Anxiety? Stress? I had NO idea that these feelings, even imagined, triggered me to eat carbohydrates.
For dinner (on my way to class) I had a sliced up cucumber and a banana. And then out for a glass of wine with my classmate.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Is it weird that I am more worried about how and when I will eat dinner than I am about being exhausted?!?!
I think I will take tomorrow night off from the gym...