Tuesday, April 21, 2009

on a roll....with butter

courtesy of Post Secret

Just another week and a half of learning left!
Just another week and a half until I start my *new* job as a Clinical Specialist at my internship! I will be working as an inpatient Chemical Dependency counselor and will be able to pursue my license as a Mental Health professional. People keep talking about "the money" and yes, it's nice but I'm going there for other reasons. One, I want my license. Two, I want to do counseling. Three, it's what I went to school for. So....why not?!

I am planning a reunion with my two friends, Beer and Gym. Although they hate each other, I tend to feel happy when I hang with either one of them but never at the same time. Seriously. That would be a mess. Although one time I did work out drunk and it felt really weird.

Hmmm. Anyways. Gotta get to work now and finish out my two weeks, say goodbye to my kids. That's the part that's going to suck. Being a positive adult in the lives of under served teenagers for over a year and then saying goodbye! I got my master's! See you later!!!

I hope my decision encourages them to follow their education dreams too.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

When one door closes.

When one door closes, you have to hope that the other one opens when you want it to. The one job I've been interviewing almost a month for called me today to say "thanks but, no thanks." A blessing in disguise?

I also interviewed at internship this morning and they are recommending me for hire. Friday will be here and I pray that someone gives me good news and a cheeseburger.

Thank you for the positive feedback re: patterns. I am glad I'm not alone on this one!! I think sometimes we notice patterns when someone else points them out to us, or, when we are thinking in retrospect and we realize that if we tell someone else about it, they look at us funny?

In my clinical work, I tend to talk about issues with food (if it's relevant!) when doing individual sessions with patients. I relate food and binge eating to drugs and dependence. I don't disclose anything personal but I do share a different perspective on addiction. Eating disorders and chemical dependency do have quite a bit in common if you think about it. Both have compulsions for ritualistic behaviors, both are a struggle for the person trying to overcome them. Both have positive outcomes from specific therapies. Both stem from issues with self and family systems. I plan on researching more about the connections when I'm done with school in 2 weeks. I'll let you know if I find anything worth noting!

Friday, April 10, 2009

here's to hoping

This was taken last August when I got my tattoo. I am in pain. My boyfriend is laughing. He ALWAYS manages to find joy in my misery ;-)

In approximately 1 week from today, I will be done with my internship hours. They are interviewing me to keep me there as a Clinician wherever they can put me. This will be on Wednesday. By next Friday, the other job I have been waiting a month to find out about will have an answer for me as to whether or not they want to hire me as well.

I am praying that by 4/17/09 I will have my post-graduate employment situated.

Pray with me now.

I've gained 2 pounds back and I'm starting to scare myself with certain patterns, behaviors and feelings that I didn't realize until my boyfriend pointed #1m out. Then I noticed the other things...

EXAMPLE #1-I go to the grocery store and only buy what I need for the week/few days at a clip. I do not have much extra food laying around because I don't want to even be remotely tempted to eat it. I get mini-anxiety attacks if I have to buy more food then I'm used to. This is weird and unhealthy and never used to happen. Now I get scared if there is too much in my house. If it's there I WILL eat it.

EXAMPLE #2-I get very upset, near the point of tears, if I've eaten too much food in one sitting. I used to just laugh it off and/or take pride in my ability to hold that much food. Now I get fidgety and sad and uncomfortable. And I know that I am eating and not hungry but I can't help myself.

EXAMPLE #3- I have these awful feelings of being "fat" and "out of control" and not getting to my goal weight by now/sabotaging myself. I look in the mirror and I am getting pissed off that I havent hit 150 yet and that I keep eating and drinking and am not getting the results I want. I am tired of trying.

Here's to hoping I get a grip on this stuff and fix it before it turns into trouble.

Monday, April 6, 2009


See? I'm nice even when I've been drinking!!!

Went to the gym tonight, after class, and did 25-30 mins of machine work to re-acquaint my body with exercise.

I did each of my usual machines (it's been almost a month since I touched one; several months since I've worked out on a consistent basis) BUT I did each machine until my muscles felt 'burn-y' and I sweateded from my head.

This new attempt was a lot of reps, felt weird but challenging, and I wasn't bored. I don't know if I was supposed to do this (pros help me out here?!) but I did it anyways because it was different.

4 weeks left till graduation (which I am not attending)
2 weeks left of internship
The countdown to be done with my graduate school captivity gets shorter every day....

Freedom approaches quickly. Freedom to ride Adam's bicycle that he's lending me. Freedom to go for long walk/runs outside and use my gym membership. Freedom to actually attend WW meetings and get this weight off onceandforallbodangit.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

deepest apologies

I have been MIA. To anyone who still reads, or cares, I am sorry.

Things have been hectic to say the least. I am in the process of being in my last 5 weeks of graduate school, battling a cold and interviewing for a job as a Chemical Dependency Counselor at a local outpatient facility and as a Clinical Specialist at my internship. Plus working, doing school work (you ALL know the drilly drill)

Today I am happy/relieved. Not that I've put all my eggs in one basket, because I haven't.

Here's why I feel so good. Because as long as I can remember, I've wanted to help people. I was in 3rd grade when I told my mom that was what I planned on doing. I've pretty much been 2nd rate at most things I've tried, especially in sports and definitely in life. Without getting too personal, I can acknowledge that my sense of humor is meant to disguise these feelings of being #2. So here I am, after 3 years of graduate school , sacrificing time/money and a social life to pursue my education and career and here it is.