Friday, April 10, 2009

here's to hoping

This was taken last August when I got my tattoo. I am in pain. My boyfriend is laughing. He ALWAYS manages to find joy in my misery ;-)

In approximately 1 week from today, I will be done with my internship hours. They are interviewing me to keep me there as a Clinician wherever they can put me. This will be on Wednesday. By next Friday, the other job I have been waiting a month to find out about will have an answer for me as to whether or not they want to hire me as well.

I am praying that by 4/17/09 I will have my post-graduate employment situated.

Pray with me now.

I've gained 2 pounds back and I'm starting to scare myself with certain patterns, behaviors and feelings that I didn't realize until my boyfriend pointed #1m out. Then I noticed the other things...

EXAMPLE #1-I go to the grocery store and only buy what I need for the week/few days at a clip. I do not have much extra food laying around because I don't want to even be remotely tempted to eat it. I get mini-anxiety attacks if I have to buy more food then I'm used to. This is weird and unhealthy and never used to happen. Now I get scared if there is too much in my house. If it's there I WILL eat it.

EXAMPLE #2-I get very upset, near the point of tears, if I've eaten too much food in one sitting. I used to just laugh it off and/or take pride in my ability to hold that much food. Now I get fidgety and sad and uncomfortable. And I know that I am eating and not hungry but I can't help myself.

EXAMPLE #3- I have these awful feelings of being "fat" and "out of control" and not getting to my goal weight by now/sabotaging myself. I look in the mirror and I am getting pissed off that I havent hit 150 yet and that I keep eating and drinking and am not getting the results I want. I am tired of trying.

Here's to hoping I get a grip on this stuff and fix it before it turns into trouble.


kristen said...

First, GOOD LUCK on your interview tomorrow, and you're only three days away from being free!!

Noticing the patterns that can be potentially harmful to your health is a step in the right direction to stopping them. I know it's just as easy, however, to say you know what the problem is, believe it's always going to be that way, and just live with them. I don't know you personally, but I truly believe you can change those things. You make a positive impact on other people's lives on a regular basis, there's no reason why you can't do that for yourself.

Cookie Monster, btw, inspires me too. Cookies are a big weakness for me!

Meg said...

Good luck with the jobs! Which one are you hoping for?

I'm totally with you on at least two of those patterns. It's very hard not to get upset about eating too much when you've spent so long equating lower amounts of food to getting closer to your goal. I'm also with you on the "not reaching my goal by now" issue. When every magazine on the rack is screaming "loose 5 lbs in one week" and "Drop two sizes this week!" it's hard to remember that real, permanent, weight loss takes a long time.

You're doing great. Just remember how far you've come. Even the fact that you recognized and acknowledged these issues is a positive step!

Shivers said...

Well done on spotting those patterns, that's the first positive step to changing them... I'm still stuck on identifying my own though, so if you figure out how to make the next step just let me know!! :)