A candle loses nothing

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. I realize this doesn't undo 3 weeks of damage but it was a good workout. I went with the intention of only doing 25-30 minutes and instead I ran/walked almost twice that. I'm happy that I stayed longer than planned and motivated myself to work hard while I was there.

I am looking for answers on why I keep sabotaging myself. Why it's been almost 3 years and I am not where I want to be, still playing yo-yo with the scale and ultimately struggling. I am so refocusing energy on trying to eat right and get back into that gym.

no negatrons here!

OK, I got a hint last week and I tried incorporating it. Stay positive! Things could always be worse.

My result? I ate out a LOT this week with other people and didn't really exercise, even with the best of intentions. I skipped WW meeting today because I didn't feel like basing my great week on a number.

My week was busy and delicious and helpful for me. I socialized with people, instead of running straight home after work or staying in my office during the day. I quite possibly hide from these situations to avoid making nasty choices on the menu? This week, I got invited to go out to eat with people who wanted to share a meal with me. Even if it was impromtu salad bar at the supermarket. THAT felt good.

So I am still disappointed in myself for a majority of my choices, and I have a set back in my goals. But if we focus on the positive, I did make memories while I made stretch marks.

angel versus devil

After my WW meeting this morning, I went grocery shopping with a WW Buddy, who is also a colleague of mine. She's a voice of reason for me. She's lost almost 20 lbs in the last few months while I continue to bobble between 170-171. She calls me her "food sponsor, because I am there if she has a question or needs to vent. I helped her to find yummy alternatives and new foods to try and she introduced me to WASA Crackers (which are shoo frigging delicious). I would grab a food and she would say "No. You want to be 160 by 2010." IT helped me tremendously to have a voice I had to listen to, giving me a good idea. It was fun going food shopping with someone who has like minded goals.

My current chief enabler is my other colleague from work. We've been hanging out a lot lately and she is always asking me to go our to eat. I decline, but after 2 declines I usually give in at the third request. I say "Look, _____. Taking me to a restauarant is like taking a drunk to a bar or a heroin addict to the block to score some dope. Can we doing something besides eat!?"

Well yesterday, she invites me over and then drops THE bomb on me. I agree to go out and get something "light." We pull up in front of PF Changs and Cheesecake Factory (these are both at the same mall) I tell her that vehicular manslaughter isn't technically a crime. I am slightly annoyed, slightly excited and not remotely hungry at all (I ate a snack before I left home). So we go into Cheesecake Factory and I order a Luau Salad, which is delicious. But I also ate: some of the breadbasket, some of my friend's Lousiana Chicken Pasta dish and split a slice of Red Velvet Cheesecake.

Afterwards, I feel defeated. I had the choice to say NO, but I didn't. I am angry that I ate anything at all. Doubly upset that I contemplated not going to WW today so I didn't have to face the scale. I gained .8 this week. I am making it a point to get my ass at the gym and eat well every day and stop these shananigans before I stab someone.

one six nine

I have been doing well at plateauing!

My body (AND MIND!) is hovering around 170-171 for the last few weeks. By weeks, I may mean months at this point. My gym motivation has waned and people have been inviting me out for food and fun, so I feel obligated to go.

But the scale stays "stuck." My mind makes excuses for not working out and justifies the eating/drinking. And I stay within this range, which honestly is not so terrible. Except that I really WANT to lose 10 pounds and not pay Weight Watchers anymore.

I'm looking for some of your motivation to keep it moving, especially as the holidays roll around AND I'm still not smoking.

YOgurt dilemma

I'm overcoming a stomach bug that began with Greek yogurt.

Allow me to explain?

I got bored with Dannon Light & Fit that I have been eating for the last 3 years so I decided to try Chobani Greek Yogurt last week. Well. This stuff is very yummy and satisfying (although an acquired taste) and it is REAL yogurt. By real, I mean that it contains all of the healthy-like bacteria that real yogurt has. And, um, the yogurt had me more "regular" if you will. Regular turned into severe cramping and pain and that glued to the toilet phenomenon known also as a "stomach bug"... virus, whatever. I actually left work early because I couldn't deal on Saturday. This also meant that any plans I had resembling fun for Halloween were canceled because I couldn't leave my house.

The dilemma is this. I really liked the yogurt and at 3 POINTS it was very worth it. But I don't know if it caused the bug, or if the bug was coming anyways. I still have two containers left.

In dreams...

Once upon a time, I wasn't a chubber. I didn't have to watch what I put into my mouth. And no one watched me or criticized what I ate, when I piled food on my plate. I didn't ever feel uncomfortable when my pants cut the circulation at my waist. "Fat days" where nothing looks right, never existed. I didn't have to worry about the angle of my face or the position of my arm when I took pictures. I didn't look like a sausage on the treadmill, on the weight machine, in the party dress. I didn't have to apologize for being larger than other people.

I didn't feel compelled to beat myself up if I had something yummy, instead of suffering with brocoli.

I am not actually feeling so bad about myself lately....I guess I was just thinking about a parallel universe. Someplace where the word "binge" only applied to shopping or drinking and donuts didn't make you round.

blurb

Just spent a long time re-reading the last three years of my life.

In November, I will have had this blog for that long. It is TOO funny looking at my journey thus far. I can remember writing some of those entries or what was happening in my life when I wrote them.

I was funnier when I thought no one was reading. Or was hoping someone would read.
I was more motivated before losing weight eventually became a chore and a bore.

Now I'm on a roll, with butter.