Wednesday, June 24, 2009

quasi internet celebrity

Yesterday on the elliptical, I was reading one of those celebrity magazines while I was sweating like a mofo. And I was thinking about how funny it would be if someone interviewed *me* about my fitness, weight loss and overall attitude about being healthy.

The following would be my *imaginary* interview, with myself. If you think it's fun, feel free to answer the questions yourself in a comment below. If you stalk me, chances are I stalk you back. And it's nice to know about you too :-) Also- feel free to point out things I am doing wrong or things that help you!

What does your usual workout routine look like?
  • I am trying to get back into the swing of things. I do at least 20 minutes of anything, and then put a sticker/star on my calendar. At the gym, I will do a few machines and call it a day or I will get on the treadmill or elliptical and do at least 20-30 minutes. When I'm walking around my 'hood, I will put on 1 lb wrist weights and get 2 miles in of jog-walkings. At home, I have a few DVD's I play with, mostly pilates and dancing. I am trying to walk at lunch time, weather permitting. This month I have 9 stars, which is a dramatic improvement from the last few months.

What is your favorite "get pumped" song to listen to when you're working out?
  • I thought about this one long and hard and I would have to say my all time favorite get in the zone song is....."Hung Up" by Madonna. I am not really a super Madonna fan but for some reason this song gets me way excited. I have other favs, but this song just does it for me.

Were you an athlete as a child/teen/young adult? If so, how does this impact your fitness today?
  • I played organized sports as a kid. I tried playing sports in middle school and high school (soccer & volleyball). I basically sucked because 1) I'm not competitive in any way, shape or form and b) I lacked serious athletic ability. So I quit both my junior & senior year to work, because I didn't get any playing time and I wanted money. In college, I played rugby. I sucked at that too. But it helped me to learn a little more of what my body can be capable of.

When did you realize you had to make changes in your life to be healthier?
  • Well, growing up, I did not have any idea about healthy eating. My mom raised me by herself and we ate out at restaurants A LOT. Most dinners consisted of protein and a starch, not a ton of veggies. My mom has weight concerns and did Weight Watchers when I was growing up, but I didn't see myself as being overweight. It wasn't until I got to college and gained a whole mess of more weight did I realize anything. My best friend in college did Weight Watchers and lost but I was way skeptical at first. It wasn't until I went to my first WW in August of 2005 and stepped on a scale that read 191 lbs. After that, I steadily lost 25 lbs my senior year of college. Didn't know I had been heavy until I lost all the weight. I got cocky the summer after and gained it back, plus. I didn't notice how I gradually put the weight back on. Then in November of 2006, I hit 193 and tried losing weight on my own. In January of 2007, I rejoined WW after realizing that it works for me. IT SEEMS TO BE THE ONLY THING THAT DOES. This time around, I have lost almost 40 pounds but gained 15 back over the last year. I have already lost 1.8 lbs of that 15 and I am trying to re-invest myself in sticking to WW plan and being healthy.

What do you think is the most important part of maintaining your lifestyle?
  • Good abs are made in the kitchen. Moving a little each day in ways that are fun helps. But people need a support system in order to be successful. I have an incredible boyfriend who puts up with my craziness, fantastic friends who cheer me on and a mom who understands my weight issues because I inherited them from her! I have one particular WW leader who has been helpful and understnading. I also found a support system with this blog thing; other people who have good ideas and kind words of encouragement. I need people as part of my recovery.
Recovery? Is there something else you'd like to share?
  • On another blogger's Q & A, I came clean about something I've been going through. With all of the stress, the guilt and disgust in myself from gaining weight back this time around and feeling overwhelmed, I developed some ED tendencies. I won't go into anymore detail because it's not important. What's important is that I have recognized and worked on what was happening internally. And I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that I succumbed to some very unhealthy patterns.
OK, I am tired of playing. I am going to eat a VitaBrownie and a scoop of ice cream, because I earned it!

Monday, June 22, 2009

the menu

Down another pound!

160.9 lbs and I have lost 1.8 since I re-engaged myself in doing this again.

I have unofficially "detoxed" myself from booze and eating out at restaurants and not exercising and most importantly, feeling sorry for myself.

Friday, June 19, 2009

acceptance/ piece of mind

i'm buff (after going to the gym and getting in a decent workout instead of half assing it)
i'm tan (a new vice, which kind of makes me feel good?)
and i'm drinking a glass of well deserved red wine.

Today was the day from hell @ work. Aside from finding out that one patient had talked about threatening to murder me, one of my favorites had to be medically discharged. One patient who has been quite annoying and I had a session where I basically yelled at him and told him to stop making himself the victim and start accepting what he had, for better or worse.


This may or may not have been indirectly inspired by a friend of mine who I had dinner with last night. She made a comment about accepting her body for what it was. Mind you, her body is now creating a new life (which i am in total awe and admiration of) but the way she said it made me stop and think about myself.

I have to be re-invested in myself and in being healthy, not binging or abusing my body and trying to accept what G-d has given me. I'm going to try to take care of myself the best that I can. I am going to re-learn to take things one day and one bite at a time. I am not going to allow myself to be the victim anymore. I am going to take ownership of the bad days and good days and all that jazz.

So what if I weigh the same as my boyfriend?!?

Monday, June 15, 2009

kidney ouch!

I had a decent week. Last Monday, I told my WW leader everything and she offered her support. She asked me to write down everything I ate and to try a week without going out for dinner. She would go over my tracker if I wanted to. I did all of it. I only lost .8 but I felt good about getting back on track. Small victory, feeling more in control and better off in the long run.

Friday morning, getting ready for work, I had severe sharp pains in my lower back on the right. After screaming in pain and falling to the floor, I got to my cell phone and called my boyfriend. Adam flew out of his job (45 mins away) and took me to the ER where I was diagnosed with a kidney infection and Adam's dad (a doctor) believed I also had a kidney stone. The pain was excruciating but I was lucky to have my boyfriend there to support me/take care of me that day and overnight.

Kidney infection cramped my style as far as exercise was concerned this weekend but I'm glad I'm alive and OK. I am still a little weak, and I'm hopped up on drugs. I will probably resume gym/light walking on Wednesday and go from there, but really when I stop having pain in my kidney.

Week #2 of being back on track and being able to say no to food and booze is in progress. I am relieved to be re-motivated again :-)

Saturday, June 6, 2009

eating habits

The more I work as a counselor with addicts, I realize that my personal eating issues are VERY similar to my patients with chemical dependency concerns. Not that I want to over identify but...

When I talk to my patients about relapse triggers including: feelings of boredom, wanting to have something in common with the people we spend time with and the sheer love of indulging in something that makes us feel better temporarily only to feel guilty later, it is when I notice how close we actually are. Except that food is a legal substance and you need it to live; while heroin and crack cocaine are not either.

FOR EXAMPLE: Wednesday and tonight, I was out to dinner with friends. When I go out, I like to order a drink or two. Then I like to eat, because everyone else is. And talk. It is what I do. Socializing is a trigger for me. When it's just me, at home, I eat some sort of veggies and a protein, mixed together in a bowl. But when someone invites me out, I am usually drinking/eating/shoveling everything into my face as fast as possible. And I try to order healthy, I do. It's just that the friends I have may not necessarily have the same body image/eating issues I do, so I try to keep up with them and it always backfires in my face.

This also applies to my patients who might use and get out of control when they're around other users who don't have problems with being able to stop.

* * *
On a more positive note, I have exercised 3 times with week! On Tuesday, I "power" walked with wrist weights and did a two miles. My once nicely fitting shorts were too tight. But I waddled on despite. On Thursday & Friday, I walked around the hospital I work at and did two laps with my colleague both days. Because each lap takes around 10 minutes, I got to add a star on my calendar for each day. Today I walked a lap by myself, just to keep trying to move more throughout the day and get some fresh air. Tomorrow and Monday I plan on getting to the gym.

I definitely didn't do as "well" as I had hoped but I tried really hard. I guess I just give myself a pat on the back and keep trying....

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

hi my name is jillian

Hi, my name is Jillian and I am a compulsive eater.

I've gained back approximately 15 lbs. since last July/August. I've lost weight before. I know I can do it.

Today my boss commented on my outfit (tunic top, tights) saying that I looked adorable but that my outfit was more club attire than professional looking. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm starting to look like a sausage in all my clothing and wear loose clothing to hide my mondo-belly.