Monday, December 27, 2010

trouble in paradise

So I'm in my 4th week of P90X and I've been doing well as far as the motivation to work out. I still wake up every day to do it, and have only skipped 1 day because I was too tired. I have used my 3 rest days. I am struggling with the food part. The exercise is leaving me hungrier and/or with a false sense of security about how much I can eat. Doing this in conjunction with attempting Weight Watchers (the new program) is throwing me for a loop.

An almost 3 pound gain loop.

I am not blaming one thing or another. I totally accept responsibility for my eating habits, however, I need to figure something else out. I have gotten the exercise thing down, now I need to work on the food consumption. In my defense, I've cut out processed snacks and have been eating a lot more fruit (which is supposed to be 0 points plus).

So this week, I am getting motivated to work it out and not eat it up.

Monday, December 20, 2010

motivation vs. procrastination

Today, I was kindasorta motivated to work out. Still in a little bit'o'pain from yesterday's plyometrics (jumping). I woke up and kindasorta ate breakfast and laid on the couch. Then I did a whole bunch of errands and came home.

I was hungry and tired. So I ate an apple, 3 dates and made myself a salad. Fiancee was watching "Kung Fu Panda" and graciously offered me the tv to exercise. I declined, stating that I get one REST DAY a week and I would make it today. We ate dinner and I laid down on the couch, started feeling cozy but my mind was still going. I could hear the snoring behind me.

Mind: "What if you end up being really busy/tired this week and have to skip a day for a legitimate reason?"

Body: "My ass hurts."

Mind: "OK, our ass hurts but what else is really keeping us from working out, even a little bit?"

Body: "My inner thighs hurt too."

Mind: "You complain/make a lot of excuses for someone with large back breasts and a dimpled ass. Get off the couch."

Body: "You're right, but I don't want to get really sweaty and have to shower only to wake up and do a DVD in the morning and get sweaty again."

Mind: "So do the lower impact stretching one. You won't sweat so much but you'll still be doing a workout."

Body: "Fine. But only if I get to eat a Jello pudding snack after wards."

Mind: "Deal."

So Fiancee fell asleep and I put on shorts and did the Stretch X while he slept. I got to exercise, lightly de-stress my sore muscles and not waste a REST DAY when I still had mental/physical energy to do something.

Monday, December 13, 2010

the consensus is in!

I am loving P90x so far. Waking up @5:30 AM to work out before work starts. I hate the Yoga one, but have been substituting it for a Stretch DVD instead.

Current measurements:
Arm: 13"
Waist: 36"
Hips: 42"
Leg: 24"

No changes in scale or measurements....yet. But I have noticed some beginning tingling of muscles being ripped and feeling stronger in my upper body.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Day 1

Well, more like, Day 2. I did my first DVD yesterday.
These are my P90X "before" pictures

I am disgusted with myself, but slightly OK. I'm worse off than I thought I was, but at least I look 80% better when I'm fully dressed.
  • I have re-committed myself to my re-commitment to be healthy and look good naked (which I have epically failed as, as pictured above).
  • I am doing P90X and Weight Watchers new POINTS PLUS system, and will be trying to try harder with all of it.
  • I have enlisted my fiancee to help me NOT eat like a slob. But I will die if he ever watches me doing my exercises, because I am uncoordinated and ridiculous looking (plus I talk back to the people on the screen.)
  • I will photo update on 1/1/11, which will be the next day I am obligated to take a photo. Maybe I will have a martini in my hand? Maybe I will have a smile!?
Soooo this is me. 180 lbs of pure woman, rainbows and cookies.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

there is a crack in everything

I'm jiggly.

I stood naked in front of the mirror and I even feel the jiggles all over my body when I walk. In clothes, I look fine. In the nude, not so much. Something beautiful in being vulnerable. If I were a porn star or a bikini model this would be an issue. Lucky for me, I'm a counselor.

Last week I lost 1.6 more pounds bringing me to a loss of 5 in the last two weeks. This week, I was busy busy busy socializing. No time for exercise, even with the best of intentions waking up at 6 AM to try to get an exercise video in...I still decided to roll over and get more sleep. The scale this morning said I was back up a pound or two but I figure if I eat a lot of lettuce and drink a lot of water I will pee this out and be OK for weigh in tomorrow.

HOWEVER, add my mother to the mix. She was up two weeks ago and wanted to go out to eat very badly. She will be up in a little while again to help me pack and I know she will want to go to a restaurant. Last time I had to put my foot down hard, because I kind of wanted to go out too. She started to moan about how hungry she was so I pulled out the Fiber 1 bar I keep in my purse to shut her up. It worked. Today I will coax her to let me cook again for her. I hope she buys it. My waistline is depending on this. Good thing I went to the gym already....

Also to be noted: next weekend I move in with my fiancee. He's already grouching about the fact that I don't cook fattening enough for him and he said "You know there's going to be a lot more junk food in our apartment." I responded "You know there's going to be a lot more vegetables too." But folks, I'm really worried. I won't have a gym membership and possibly no more Exercise-On-Demand digital cable. He said he'll do P90X with me, but he has the follow through of a two year old sometimes...

Who unintentionally sabotages you in your weightloss/healthy habits? And how do you handle it?

Sunday, October 10, 2010


I have been gone for too long, longer than expected or needed.

Things are going well. I made an excel chart of the last 30+ weeks and it turns out my average weight is roughly 175 lbs, which is what I've been weighing in/near now for over a year. I'm not thrilled with this number, however, I have been maintaining this number for a long time and it is a positive that I haven't shot ALLTHEWAYBACKUP to "too close to two hundred."

I don't know how much I currently owe my fiancee. I'm not caring about it today.

Also- my gym membership is finito on 10/31/10 which means I'm going to need to find another gym and/or try something new. I'm thinking about that P90X/Beachbody Fitness program that my friend from highschool has had much success with. We shall see.

In the meantime, I'm far too busy laying on the couch and pretending to pack up my apartment for a move.

I *promise* I will be on more, if anyone still reads this...

Sunday, July 11, 2010


The day before weigh in is always the hardest, when I'm actually doing this. I am hot, hungry and cranky. I went to the gym, stayed semi-within my POINTS and have been drinking fluids ALL DAMN DAY. And I probably won't lose all that much tomorrow morning! I drank 3 nights this week and ate a fancy dinner with my fiancee and friend last night, including cajun alfredo. I've never had cajun alfredo. It was incredible, with scallops and shrimp and broccoli with rigatoni.

Regardless, for every pound I gain, I owe Adam $5. For every pound I lose, I get $1. Then on the elliptical, I read this article and I smiled. I know I didn't invent it, but I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Monday, June 28, 2010

put money where your mouth is

today i decided that i needed help.

today i decided that either for every pound i gain or every pound i lose, i will pay my fiancee a dollar (or 20, 40, 60, 80 cents) and when i hit a goal i will buy myself a present.

i'm still debating if i should pay up for losing or gaining.
either way, i hope i win!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

new thang

Since reading that book (see last post) I've been doing this thang. I've been waiting, at least two days, before doing "something." I waited two days to see if I really wanted ice cream and I did. So I got some. This week I waited two days to see if I really wanted wine. And I did. So I got some. I've been turning down food, impulses to eat food etc. I've also gone to the gym 4 a ROW! I am trying to listen to and make peace with my body and my mind. The two day rule is a great start.

Monday, June 7, 2010

a must read

This book has been everywhere as of late and so I ordered on Amazon.come just to see. Everyone, everyone should read this book. Just to get a different point of view on things, maybe to feel slightly more empowered and enlightened.

It doesn't solve any problems but it definitely made me ask some good questions.

Monday, May 24, 2010

answered prayers.

Been a busy few weeks.

Last week, I lost 3.2 lbs and did well this week eating but never made it to weigh in today.

Yesterday, the fiance and I hiked in the Adirondacks. I made it 10 miles round trip and managed to handle some rocky terrain. Today, I helped him to unload 2 tons worth of 40 lbs each bags of wood pellets.
I remember asking him to exercise with me a few weeks ago, because I wanted his support and help. Now I'm all kinds of sore from him honoring my request.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Friday, April 30, 2010

lazy hazy

Where did my mojo go?

I am so tired all of the time. No energy to do much lately. Last night I spoke with my mom around 7:30 PM and had the following conversation:

Me: Mom, I'm sleepy. Call me at in half hour at like 8 PM and say 'get to the gym fat ass.'
Mom: I will not call you a fat ass.
Me: Please, tell me to wake my fat ass up and get working.
Mom: I will call you at 8 but I will not call you fat.
Me: FINE. I love you. Bye.

So we hang up and I pass out. I wake up on my couch at around 9 PM, face stuck to pillow in a puddle of drool. The weather is getting nice, which is a trigger for me to not want to cook, to want to drink beer and eat fried food.

I am motivated to eat. I am motivated to sleep. NO issues there. I am struggling with motivation to sweat? I've stopped putting pressure on myself to exercise everyday and am working on just working out at least 3x's week. I did make it to the gym today, which is positive. But I ate lunch out and had a mini work party.

I am thinking about enlisting my boyfriend for help, as he is my biggest support and chief enabler.

Ugghhhhh, I want my ENERGY back!!!!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

motivating idea

Professionally, I am awesome. I have come a long way in my career and plan to grow. Weight loss wise, I am a slacker. So, based on a counseling therapeutic technique I have a little way of motivating myself.

I take ALL of my positive attributes in one area of my life and try to use them in the other.

Work strengths that SHOULD be transferred to weight loss/maintenance:
~organized~ diligent~ great time management skills~ strong documentation skills~ caring ~ focused ~ dedicated~ competitive ~ goal oriented ~ self starter ~ independent~ good attitude ~ flexible ~ responsible~ open minded~ demands excellence from self ~ honest~

So from this list, I am hoping to keep working on myself!

What areas of life do you kick ass in and how can you motivate yourself to put the focus on your health & well being?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


why does everyone want to celebrate my accomplishments with food? and alcohol?
the binges don't feel good.
no one else seems to be concerned with their weight or mine.
i feel so frustrated.

Monday, March 29, 2010


I don't want to *lose* weight.
I want to "take it off."
Things that are lost, can be found again.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

honoring the past

I lost 2.4 lbs this week, after 2 weeks of gaining.

I feel better. My clothes fit a little better. I figured out that Thursday is going to be the best weigh-in day for me now. Why? Thursday means I have the weekend and week to get back in line. Thursday means I slip a little bit and get myself together in time. Thursday weigh-in was when I was successful back in college. When I had a partner, Amy, (my roommate and one of my best friends) to keep me in check. Thursday was with Chris, the spunky WW Leader who fell in love with Amy & I, as two chubby college girls who spiced up her meetings. Who still remembers me, from 5 years ago.

Things have changed since then. Losses, gains, Life happened.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

upside of looking down

Today I weighed in at WW. Not because I wanted to. I felt obligated to go, because I won't be around this weekend to do it and I wanted to get a number for myself.

I gained 3 lbs. Not a huge deal. Its the middle of the week. I accidentally drank a few beers last night and ate a corned beef Reuben. And the night before? I drank 3 glasses of wine, ate a basket of tortilla chips and had a "grilled chicken salad" at a Mexican restaurant. The salad negated the wine and chips. See?

So I'm talking to the weigh-in lady and she said: "Oh, I see you've gained a bit. Were you expecting it?" I responded by shrugging my shoulders. "Meh," I said. "I have been doing this for three years and I sabotage myself all of the time. Now isn't different." Then we talked about how I was 6 lbs away from goal and how I've been giving Weight Watchers $40/month for so long.

Then it hits me, like a pound of butter. Yeah, it effing sucks that I spend $40/month BUT imagine if I had given up on myself last year when I gained weight back and stopped going all together?

The damage might be irreparable.

Monday, March 15, 2010

just say NO

Yesterday, my time of the month emotions were running high. So I went to the gym and got running. Well, er, biking and EFX-ing. After about an hour of a sweaty and productive workout, I stopped at a local Stewarts (think chain convenience store for those of you who don't know what a Stewart's is) to buy cigarettes and milk. Cigarettes. And milk.

I got the milk, a bottle of diet Pepsi and some gum and walked up to the counter. Before I could ask for the cigarettes, the woman behind the counter started talking to me about $1.99 pint sale of their ice cream. I said no, very politely. I think I even said "No thank you." But the bitch kept talking up the ice cream. "It'll only be on sale till midnight tonight." "We have all of your favorite flavors." "You know with the weather getting warmer, ice cream is so good." As I was paying for my milk, soda and gum I said "No. I actually just came from the gym and it would totally negate what I just did if I got that ice cream. I'm going to drink this diet Pepsi and cry myself to sleep." I spied a pint container of Coconut Brownie Explosion in the freezer underneath me as she was swiping my card. I asked her if the transaction had completed and she said yes. I said: "This is a sign from upstairs that I am not meant to have that ice cream."

I walked out. Got in the car. Breathed a sigh of relief until I realized I never got the cigarettes. Instead of going BACK in there, where the lady was practically feeding me the ice cream from the carton, I did the RIGHT thing. Opened up my soda and drove home. And ate some Girl Scout cookies when I got there.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

nemeses and notebooks.

I don't know if I've told you about my arch-nemesis at the gym. I may have written about her before. She is who I'll never be: small. She is petite. She is attractive. She has muscular arms. I hate her, only because I'm jealous. But I also work out harder when I see her. She is ALWAYS at the gym and now her and her boyfriend (also muscular, attractive) work out together. I want to throw up in my mouth when I see them. Last time I saw them, they were wearing coordinated Under Armor gym clothes. I hate them. I hate me.

In other news, I have had TWO weeks of naughtiness, although this week I can breathe through my nose. Last week, I had a nasty cold. This week I have stepped it up and have already went to the gym 3 times (Since Saturday) and did yoga last night after I went out to dinner. I have a notebook, in which I am writing what I do in three columns: cardio, strength and flexibility. I am hoping that having a real written account of what I am doing will help. Plus I see people with these notebooks at the gym all of the time and I want to have one too.

Finally, I wanted to post pictures of my 26th Birthday party but my computer isn't allowing me to, like it's not allowing me to post on certain people's comments!!!!!!!!!! (This makes me angry!)

Monday, February 22, 2010

sweet surrender

This weekend I thought about things.

For starters, how bored I am with my current exercise routine which is making me loathe working out. I'd rather lay on the couch and sleep then go to the gym some days. This could also be accounted for by stress and depression? Anywho, I went to the gym as much as I could this week and that's what counts. Plus, Adam (my boyfriend) bought me a pair of Sketchers Shape-Ups last night and I'm planning on taking them for a stroll this afternoon to AVOID the gymnasium.

I tried buying new foods this week, to combat Kitchen Boredom. I got some Nova Scotia lox, WW 1 POINT cream cheese, 97% Fat Free Hot Dogs, Vanilla soy milk, whole wheat cinnamon raisin bread and other things to branch out a bit. Mind you, I ate out on Thursday night and Friday for lunch, as well as Saturday.

So, what is different about this week than other weeks? I surrendered. I officially gave up on trying to lose weight and really just focused on making the best choices possible. Plus I caved and bought two pairs of pants for work in a 12, instead of pretending I'm still a straight size 10 like I was a year and a half ago. I got tired of looking like a sausage. So I said to myself "Self, what are you really trying to do? Body is not going to lose the weight as quickly as last time and Body is comfortable here. Mind is looking for immediate results instead of the bigger picture, which is lifelong health." I surrender. White flag. I'm not going to fight mother nature or my metabolism. I've been doing this 3 years and if I have to do it 3 more, I will.

Mind + body = self.
Self lost 4 pounds this week.

Monday, February 15, 2010

3 poundses

I gained 3 lbs after a night of drinking (Saturday) and a day of bacon (Sunday)

Today I went food shopping and I made healthy choices instead of buying what I really wanted.

I am holding on by a thread, but I'm holding.

Monday, February 8, 2010

what the...

relapse and i lost .6 lbs.
I did NOT expect that at all!!!!

BigHappyBeautiful- I am reading your blog too, I just can't reply. We should exchange e-mails or something.

Saturday, February 6, 2010


Relapse with binge eating slash not giving a fuck about what goes into my mouth until AFTERWARD is an interesting process. I feel myself backsliding. I was able to say "I'm in relapse mode" this week when people asked me how my weight loss is going. I am not ashamed, but I am certainly uncomfortable.

I don't know if my body is resisting weight loss, because I'm staying within a range of pounds. I don't know if that's an excuse with mind over matter. I just don't have the answers anymore and I think it's OK. I'm just going to keep trying to do ME, go to the gym and eat as healthy as I can.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

fighting the good fight?

Last night at the gym, I pondered what exactly I was doing there.

Like, I know I'm there to lift weights and or do cardio and or stare at other people while they work out.

But really... Why am I mentally exhausted from a day of psychological gymnastics as a counselor, sweating on an elliptical? Why am I not home, eating ice cream or french fries on the couch watching tv and un w i n d i n g?

The media tells us (men & women) we are "supposed" to look a certain way. Then they airbrush the f^*@ out of the advertisements. When we (i) don't match this, we (i) feel like shit. When celebrities get TOO thin, they are chastised; same as when they gain weight or look like us! Our medical professionals tell us we're "supposed" to be a certain weight or BMI, although most of them won't address it with us unless we ask first. We (i) are being programmed to diet and exercise to look like something we (i)will never be. A skinny, long haired, pouty lipped sex vixen with an airbrushed over bellybutton. And then we (i) get to a thinner *healthier* weight and ruin it because: it is sooooo damn hard to maintain...

My question or rather, my thoughts are taking me someplace else with this one. No one knows my body as well as I do. I am listening to HER and not the rest of the world. Genetics are a big part in this. I am not trying to fight what nature has intended for my body. I am merely practicing good health so that 40 years from now, I'm still alive and kicking. Yeah, my mind was fatigued yesterday but I felt a lot better trying to work it out for a bit.

I could have done more than 25 minutes but I also could have gone home and laid on the couch.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Losing it.

This week I didn't go up or down on the scale. This pleases me. I worked hard but slipped a little here and there (including having alcohol two nights this week out). I also didn't work out as much as I could have. I still have 7.2 lbs to go before I hit my 5% wannabe weight of 165 pounds. By my 26th birthday.

Something that continues to irk me is: how many POINTS food actually is sometimes. For example, on Saturday I was out to the supermarket on my lunch break with my colleague. We decided to splurge on "Fudge Fantasies" (we got the minis) from a local bakery "The Cookie Factory." Welp, before I knew it, we were back in her office, chatting away and I looked at the container. I decided to eat only 4 cookies, after writing down the stats (Calories, fat and fiber) to look up later on. 4 teeny, weeny cookies later and back at my desk I realized that each cookie had 3 points. 3 POINTS. I wasted 12 POINTS, half of my daily food intake on 4 little pieces of crap. Initially, I was kind of pissed off. But I got over it relatively quickly. I ate cookies, wrote down the amount of pointage and went about my day.

12 POINTS is a lot. When I sweat for 30 minutes on a cardio machine, I could potentially earn back 2 POINTS. That would mean I would have to work out 180 minutes OR 3 hours just to touch those cookies. WTF!?!

My dears, we all slip up every now and then. I slipped and tripped and bumped along almost an entire year, hehe. But seriously, I know that I can't beat myself up over 4 cookies. They were delicious, yes. But I know I can get a lot more food in for 12 points (4 cups of whole wheat pasta!?!?!) and be a lot more sassified. And sassification is good!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

down down down

Lost another .8 bringing it down to 2 lbs total in the last three weeks.
I am stoked.
I am thrilled.
I am NOT going to ruin this.
I am going to keep writing to you, those who understand my plight (P.S. BigHappyBeautiful: something is wrong with your site, I can't write to you)
I am going to keep tracking my foood/ POINTS.
I am not going to beat myself up if I slip a little.
I am going to continue writing love notes to myself, where I compliment the things I've done
RIGHT for the day (went to gym, asked for a doggy bag, made a healthier choice).

What are YOU doing right so far in the new year? I'm interested to know :-)

Saturday, January 2, 2010


Today was my first workout of the new year. This morning, I packed my gym bag and my lunch box and headed out to work. After work, I contemplated being "too hungry" to get to the gym but I drove myself down the highway and got off at the exit anyways. I vowed that I wouldn't work out "too hard" because after all, I was feeling hungry and tired after a long day.

I get to the gym locker room to change and lo and behold! I didn't pack a *shirt* to work out in. I had remembered socks, sneakers, bras and spandie (spandex? lycra? cotton?) workout pants. A few weeks ago, I would have determined that the exercise g-ds were "against" me and I should probably head home to lay on the couch and watch Law & Order. The new, slightly improved and higher functioning TWENTYTEN me decided to use the undershirt I wore today as my workout top and kept it moving.

And move it I did. I went on that terrible treadmill and busted out 30 minutes of run/walk/incline/decline goodness.

Even though I felt self-concious about how I looked in spandies and a tank top. Plus, I'm not really even hungry right now.