Saturday, December 29, 2007

what a bummer

I just got magically motivated to go exercise, because I realized that I'm never going to lose 6 pounds (yes, I gained 3 this week. Consequently, I must lose 6 to get under 160 by 1/4/08) if I just lay in bed all day.

I am still utterly frustrated with not getting to my goal this time around, even when I get so close. I have to really kick it into high gear and remember what I want to look like every time I put something tasty in my mouth. Or even when I'm looking at/thinking about tasty food.

Although I am happy (and proud) to have lost 30 lbs, I still feel fat. I think I will always feel fat. I know I look so much better than I did last year at this time, and I have a much firmer body than the last time I lost the weight, I still feel a little uncomfortable. But more than anything, I am angry that I'm stuck in the 160's since June. If I was going at my beginning rate (like when I first started losing last year, 10 pounds every 3 months), I should have been at goal by now at least.

Now I'm 166.2 lbs and wearing spandex so I can go out for a walk or hit up the weight machine in my gym room.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

exercise is not an option

SO this week I was disgusting.

My weight watchers tracker is filled with FATASS, FATTY, and GROSS on all of the days of the week. Friday, I ate a ton. Saturday, I ate AND drank a ton. Sunday, I ate a ton of Chinese food in morning and didn't eat for the rest of the day. Monday, my intentions were good and I still managed to eat like a slob. Tuesday we will not mention, but I was definitely "jolly" at my best friend's house (I figure I only get to eat her mom's Christmas meal once a year). Yesterday, I was kind of good and so far today I'm doing well.

But I don't feel like exercising.

Or weighing in tomorrow.

I have exactly 1 week to weigh 160 or less and I don't think I can get it. I have really disappointed myself. Maybe once the holidays are over I can stop this cycle of trying not to eat, then feeling guilty because I overdo it? I'm almost tempted to just stay in this range and give up trying to lose anymore, because my body is obviously happy at 164-167 lbs.

OK, OK, fine I'll weigh in tomorrow morning.
But I can't promise I'll post the weight if it sucks.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

a little note

exercising when you don't feel like it,
is like pulling rotten teeth out of your head...
at first it hurts
but then you feel so much better once it's done

Friday, December 21, 2007

things things thingies

My room is a mess. I have some last minute Christmas gifts to buy. BUT...I am exhausted. This new job, these new hours, are kicking my ass. For real, yo.

In other news, I lost 2.6 pounds this week. At 7:30 this morning, I was back down to 163.2 lbs. By 1 PM this afternoon, I think I gained 8 pounds back. We had an office "Holiday" Party and I ate like a slob. Boy did it feel good. I worked SOO DAMN HARD to lose weight this week, I was not expecting a 2.6 loss at all.

Consequently, I am not eating dinner this evening and I will lay in bed and relax alllllll night. If I get a hunger pain, I know it will be purely psychological and I will ignore it. I have noticed the very beginnings of defined abdominals and that I don't sweat when I work out. This could either be that I am not working hard enough ~OR~ that it's fucking freezing outside.

This week, I resolve to exercise at least 4 times (possibly tonight if I get anymore energy), NOT overdo it at Christmas at Meg's house and to keep up the good work of still not smoking cigarettes (its been approximately 14 days since I bought any!)

Tomorrow, Adam and I drive out to Corning to see Alexis for her birthday. Today was my only bad day, and tomorrow the only bad thing I will do is drink. Because I have a goal to weigh UNDER 160 by the new year (or 1/4/2008 which is the weigh in day) and I have 2 weeks to get there.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

oh well

live or DIEt

This week I gained back a pound and I think I'm OK with it. Aside from the fact that I was really good all week, as my new job only gives half an hour lunch break and I brought my own lunch everyday. I also move around A LOT more than I did at the old place. The bathroom is down the hall, as is the kitchen and the cars we use are about a block away. I ate reasonably healthy all week, I didn't over do it at my multi-cultural counseling celebration. I think the gain happened because I had a lot of salt on Thursday and Adam took me out to dinner on Thursday.

Did I mention I quit smoking...again??? Well, I did. I quit and I'm doing well so far. I hope this time is for real.

This was one of those weeks where I thought I did well and I ended up gaining. I think my body L I K E S being the 160's. I haven't dropped from the 164 range since, well, I'm not sure when it happened exactly but I've been maintaining this weight for months now. If I don't get below 160 by the new year, people will die. OK, not really, but I'm trying to prove a point or something. Also, I'm very bored with no school work to do. Maybe I'll go work out or water color paint. Probably end doing both.

This week I resolve to lose at least a pound again and to exercise 4 times before Friday so I look nice in pictures.

Sunday, December 9, 2007


Tomorrow is a BIG day. This week is going to be interesting.
I start my new job AND finish my semester by Wednesday.
* * *
The one thing I'm worried about?
If I'm allowed to eat at my desk at work during the day, and when they're going to let me eat lunch....

Friday, December 7, 2007

Last day of work

Ahh! Today is my last day of work at CMS. The feelings are bittersweet. I'm happy to move on, but very sad at the same time.

This week, people have been taking me out to lunch. Tuesday, I went to Junior's and ate HALF of a Chicken Cordon Bleu panini and amazing french fries. Instead of eating it all, I gave the other half of the meal to my pregnant co-worker, who's baby needed it more than I did. That night, I had a cup of yogurt and a granola bar for dinner. Yesterday, my program had a pizza party for me. I ate a slice of sausage pizza, a slice of broccoli and had 3 wings and lots of M&M's. I came home and ended up eating a salad for dinner. I had a little bit of a hunger pain, but I ignored it because I knew it was not for real and that I just wanted to eat something bad. I got a sticker in my meeting for eating wisely this week. I wish I had more time to exercise.

(Kristen & I, 11/30/07 @ Appletini's)

(Tina & I, 11/30/07 @ Appletini's)

(Work Mom & I, 12/6/07)

(Michelle, my boss & I, 12/6/07)

So, this week I lost another 1.4 lbs off my holiday weight gain and I'm in my happy place again. I don't know if I would say HAPPY, but a more comfortable place. I definitely feel better at 164 than I did at 167. Those 3-4 pounds make a difference in my pants.

Arms: 11
Hips: 38
Waist: 32
Weight: 164.6 pounds

Friday, November 30, 2007


This afternoon I am throwing myself a "Go Away" Party for my co-workers and myself. This will celebrate my resignation, since I've been getting the silent treatment from my supervisor. Like seriously. I have to remember that more people are happy for me being successful than angry at me for moving on. We will be at a nice bar called Appletini's and hopefully there will be lots of pictures for me to post ASAP. I will probably eat some goshdarned mozzarella sticks.

This week, A LOT of people told me it looked like I had lost weight. Work mom, some of my clients, some of their mothers and one of my classmates all said it looked like I had slimmed down a bit this week. Of course I said thank you, but I didn't see it. I replied that I had gained 3-4 pounds in the last 2 weeks.

Welp, my slump is over. This week I brought sexy back. Err, I mean, I lost 1.6 lbs. I'm back down to an even and honest 166. I feel better for working hard this week and not losing myself.

What feels even greater? When I texted Adam this morning to tell him I lost weight this week, he wrote back "I could tell."

Sunday, November 25, 2007

1 year in review

Can you believe I've been at this for a whole YEAR?!?!

I personally cannot believe that on 11/26/06, I started a blog about being fat and wanting to lose some weight.

On the first weigh-in/measure I was:
Arms: 12"
Legs: 24"
Waist: 38"
Hips: 42"
Weight: 193 pounds

As of my last weigh in/measurements I am:
Arms: 11"
Legs: 21"
Waist: 32"
Hips: 38"
Weight: 167 (but I was down to 163 for a week, in my own defense)

Overall, I have officially lost 27 (30 damnit!) lbs and 14 inches all over my body. Wow.

* * * * * * * * * *

I have to admit that the last few weeks have been rough on my weight loss journey. I've been losing track of what I actually put into my mouth, eating bad stuff, letting my boyfriend take me out to dinner too much and not exercising NEARLY enough. Truth be told, I've been under a ton of stress with all of my school work. Plus, I ate like a slob at Thanksgiving and the rest of the weekend.

However, this will all change in the next few weeks. On December 10, I start my new position at my new job, that is over at 4:30 PM everyday and has a gym that I can use for free.

In addition to this more freed up schedule? I will be done with my semester on December 12th. I will be so bored, that there will be nothing to do but work out... or eat? Crap.

Another funny thought-- I weigh as much as I did when I met Adam in July. He brought this up last night when I commented on how fat and bloated I felt. Amazing how I felt so sexy and confident at this weight in July, compared to feeling like a cow at the same weight in November. Good thing I worked out and lifted weights today and yesterday.

I've just got to stick it out for a little while longer, get back on track and try a little harder this week. I KNOW I am capable. I just want to lose this weight already.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

the pizza cure

Right now I am drowning my sorrows in pizza. I just ate a chicken marsala slice and am currently indulging in a spinach roll (seriously, so much spinach in this thing) with marinara on the side. (Ok, not terribly unhealthy, but still) This is the first time in a long time (if at all) where I am eating on purpose because of my feelings. Usually, when I'm down, I starve myself to near to death. Right now I am filling a hole. And getting fatter (to add to today's crappy mood, I gained ANOTHER pound back) *(gross?!)

Today, I gave my 2.5 weeks notice at my job. Instead of feeling awesome, I feel downright lousy. I SHOULD be celebrating. I SHOULD be jumping up and down for joy, but I feel icky and guilty and then foolish for feeling icky and guilty.

This new job appears to be a better gig overall. My main reason for taking the position is that there is more room for advancement at the new place. Add a significantly larger salary, use of a company car instead of my own, a free gym membership and an 8-4:30 five-days-a-week-no-matter-what work day and it's pretty clear that I've made the right choice. I love my current (soon to be former) agency. I like my co-workers (most of them) and I love, love, love my kids. But the time is right to move on. The pros outweigh the cons.

Well, now I'm packing up my stuff and heading down south to mama's house in a little while. It will be nice to eat food and see my best friends from home. I will do my best to behave tomorrow. But my bestfriend's mom makes an amazing T-day meal that I probably won't be able to resist.

Friday, November 16, 2007

holiDAY not holiWEEK...crap

Look at today's title. It will serve as a reminder to me NOT to ruin an entire week after overeating at a wedding. Or a holiday meal. Or just a party where food is served. One day turned into a whole week, which might have turned into a whole month, year, etc and I can't have that. I've worked too hard.

Needless to say, I gained 2.4 pounds back this week. Making my 163 a joke and frustrating the hell out of me. I might also add (sorry to gross you out) that I haven't pooped in a few days, and that also adds weight on the scale. I hate to say it, but the difference between getting on a scale before and after you pee is noticeable. Pooping can only make your number lower. I am NOT holding myself unaccountable; I ate a lot this week and didn't write anything down. But I'm sure if I took a dump I might have only been up 1.5 pounds instead of 2.4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a positive note:
I went to my meeting this morning, and stopped at my complexes gym to lift weights and work out some anger (a pound of muscles = a pound of fat) because I needed to.
Working out in the morning has been a good thing. When I get home at night, I'm usually tired and hungry and now that the weather is getting cold, the last thing I want to do is walk over to the gym. Waking up in the a.m. and doing one of my DVD's is helping me get exercise out of the way for the day. SO that's a positive.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

wedding weekend!

Below are some pictures of my best friend's sister Adrienne's wedding. (If you wanna stalk more pics, go to my picture link or stalk crackpace)

I do not recognize myself in the first one. I look like a different person. Average sized and dark haired. My boyfriend is a lucky man. did I celebrate my 30 pound mark? I ate, and drank, and ate until I literally puked because there was so much food and alcohol in my stomach. Yum.

I've been eating a ton all weekend, and making terrible choices. Way to sabotage weight loss, Jillian. Good work. I hope there is not too much damage on the scale Friday morning.

Friday, November 9, 2007

i did it! i did it!

Let's start by acknowledging that at the beginning of this week, I was a hot mess (and that I have a wonderful boyfriend and friends who are very supportive).

Let's also state that anxiety and stress burns muchos calories.


163.8 lbs


(and beat my 164 slump, making me the smallest I have been since high school)

30 gone

15 to go

3.8 left in the 160's

Next week:
my measurements & pictures from Adrienne's wedding!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

is it me....

Or do I look like a sausage squeezed into this outfit???

The good part: I DON'T look like this anymore
The bad part: I thought I looked good when I had initially taken this picture back in my Junior year of college.

Well, shit.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

weight loss: a thought piece

WARNING: This is long, and this is whiny. Read it or don't.

Even though I lost 1.8 pounds this week, I am still discouraged by losing weight in general. I still wish I weighed under 160 by now, instead of 164 being the lowest...EVER.

It's really amazing how unconsciously, without your knowledge, you basically CAN control what you weigh to some extent. I could follow my points to the exact amount, but then, I don't know if I would ever want to miss some of the yummy food I've been around. That being said, it is also true that your body does what it wants and even when you think you're having a good week, you can gain or when you think you've been a total fat ass, you can lose.

Yesterday, I stayed late after the meeting and talked with Chris (the leader) about needing some help getting below 160. She asked me what I was afraid of. I said I wasn't necessarily scared of anything, but I brought up the fact that 164 lbs. is where I "choked" last time and ended up gaining all of the weight back + 3. We also talked about how the last pounds are the hardest to shed.

I also talked about feeling anxious. I am worried all of the time about money, school work, stress from my job, my living situation and maybe...just maybe I am sabotaging my own weight loss? Am I terribly afraid of losing the weight, because I hid behind my chubby girl persona for so long (since skinny girls obviously can't be funny like a chubber can)?! Am I scared that it will be even harder to stay thinner once I get there? Is my eating really the one thing I feel that I have control over, and when everything is out of wack, I can maintain this weight and be comfortable? Can I really afford a brand new wardrobe of smaller clothing?!? Or do I just eat too many cookies and not do enough sit-ups?

Phew. Glad I got all of that depressing crap out of the way.

Anywho, I lost 1.8 pounds (165 lbs) and filled back up with a steak chimichangas and 4 glasses of white sangria last night. Today and tomorrow I will be writing papers until my hands fall off.

In closing, I think if our lives were boring and routine, it would be much much easier to lose weight and keep it off. But life is awful and wonderful and full of surprises....

...And by surprises, I mean chocolate chip cookies.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

happy hello ween

I've been a fat-ass all week.
Yesterday, while reaching on the floor for a bagel I dropped, I split the inside lining of my pants.
The day before that, I got a ticket for talking on my cell phone while operating a motor vehicle.

I have been trying DESPERATELY to get back on track, and I try, and then I fail. I just want to weigh 160. Why can't I lose this weight? Over the last year, I've averaged about 10 pounds lost every 3 months. I haven't hit a milestone since June 4, 2007. It's fucking November and I'm still in the 160's.

I'm bloated, I'm cranky and extremely discouraged. least I looked cute on Halloween?

Friday, October 26, 2007

a sigh of relief

After being a complete and total lard ass for almost 2 weeks, I weighed in this morning.

I only gained 2.6 pounds, bringing the total BACK up to 166.8 lbs. I know I should have been better and not eaten all of the food, made efforts to exercise more, etc. I know that I shouldn't have eaten all that cheese covered bread and drank that red wine last night @ Michelle's house. I know, I know, I know. But I also know that if I didn't let myself have these last 2 weeks, I would not have enjoyed it half as much as I did. And I did enjoy it :-)

Today starts me fresh and getting back on track. 160 pounds by 11/9/07 (just in time for the second wedding i'm going to this fall!)

Although this weekend might present a little bit of an obstacle. Today is my 3 month anniversary with Adam and we're going to din-din someplace niice. And tomorrow is HALLOWEEEN Party Night in Albany, which in turn, means that I will be drinking heavily in shorts and a bald head....I'm Britney, bitch!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

ta weekend in photos

Oh...and I ate a lot. A lot lot. Biscuits, bowls of shucked clams in butter, steaks, McDonald's breakfast (complete with eggs, cheese and some kind of meat on a biscuit or a McGriddle) and hashbrowns. And I drank wine and beer. The only exercise I got was riding in the car or dancing at the reception.

It was TOTALLY worth it and I don't care how much weight I may have gained.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

she wore an itsy bitsy

So I just tried on my black two-piece, you know, in case I have to wear it this weekend. I didn't look like a Victoria's Secret model but I definitely didn't look half bad either.

Vacation: begins tomorrow.
New goal: 160 by Halloween
Other goal: be something fun for Halloween

Friday, October 12, 2007


At today's meeting we talked about wanting to be butterflies. Chris (leader) read this quote:

"How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much
that you're willing to give up being a caterpillar."

Then we talked about why some people don't want to give up being a caterpillar. My contribution was that being skinny in cold weather is twice as cold as it is when I'm fat. And I'm dead serious too. Some other people mentioned that being a butterfly is hard work; another person talked about their fear of failure. I could relate to this too.

Last time I lost the weight, I was right around this poundage. And I got cocky, then dated guys who ultimately made me miserable but fed me well. And voila! I had gained the weight back. I've been creeping around this 165 weight now for well over a month. I'm very aware that my weight loss is slowing down as I am heading towards goal. But I figured that another reason I've stuck around this weight so long, is that lingering thought in the back of my mind that I could fail again. As stupid as this could potentially sound, I'm not afraid of failing anymore.

Welp, I lost 1.4 pounds this week. Which is good. I'm back down to 164.2 pounds. I lost a few inches here and there, after kicking serious ass at the gym this weekend. And I'm not a failure. Or a frumpy caterpillar.

It's not the willpower. It's the wantpower.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

mind over belly

While I was doing my 4 mile walk today, I almost got ran over by a car. I guess people think it's funny to drive their SUV's close enough to the side of the road to knock over a girl in shiny black spandex pants. Luckily I caught my balance and all that happened was that I got some prickly crap on my arms/legs.

Now instead of writing a paper, I'm really contemplating what I want to be for Halloween. I will NEVER be able to top last year's Flavor Flave costume. Last year's costume was also FABULOUS for hiding weight gain in, I mean, c'mon....baggy silk pajamas? This year presents a *new* challenge. Now that I'm closer to "average" weight, I can probably wear something a little more, risky, and get away with it. But I also don't want to look like a fat girl trying too hard.

These past few weeks, I'm been almost fighting a total lack of motivation. I keep calling it my 11-month-slump and it's like walking up a hill. All I want to do lately is eat whatever I see. But I've also set up a goal of being 160 lbs. by the time my best friend gets married. I always start the week with good intentions and then end up messing it up somehow. But I've also eaten a lot each weekend, and don't have any points left to budget for the week.

On Friday, I felt really uncomfortable because I could tell that I had gained weight back. So I'm actually glad I took the week off. I've only not weighed in 2 or 3 x's for almost a year. That's pretty darn good I'd say.

So... mind over belly. I need to re figure somethings that I'm doing wrong and go back to see what I did right.

Friday, October 5, 2007


Dear Reader,

Slept right through this morning's meeting and was over an hour LATE to work. Only woke up because my boyfriend texted me at 9:15 am. I stopped at Starbucks and had a mocha-mint frappucino with whipped cream on top to celebrate?

This is all for the best, seeing as I was a total pig for most of the week. Especially last night.

Today starts a new week of being on track. I've gotten my 11-month slump out of my system and will resume exercise tomorrow.

Deepest and most sincere apologies,

Monday, October 1, 2007

i do declare

as expected, i misbehaved with my eating this weekend
i am determined to be 160 pounds by the time my best friend ties the knot
even if it means i have to eat an entire bag of lettuce in 1 sitting (which i did, btw)
and wake up early every day to exercise twice

although i love my boyfriend, it will be a nice change
NOT to stuff my face for the next two weekends while he is doing man-things
like fishing for salmons and hunting ligers

i started my 11th month of dieting right, by waking up early and kicking my own ass with snippets from 2 pilates DVD's.

Friday, September 28, 2007

run on sentencing

Even with exercising (1/2 hr or more!) or at least moving a lot everyday of this *entire* week, I still managed to gain .4 pound, which isn't even all that much but I'm still super frustrated and I wish I could just lose this weight and hit my goal so I can go to Weight Watchers for free but I totally blame myself for hitting this upward streak because I've been eating really crappy on the weekends with my boyfriend and then trying to make up for it during the week and slipping up on extra food each night when I've already eaten my extra points up.

I am determined to lose 5 pounds by 10/17/07. I am determined to lose the rest of this friggin weight ASAP. I am just so frustrated that I will have to do WW forever to maintain. I am angry that I have a constant battle with the scale. I don't want to be unhealthy, but I wish I could eat french fries and not worry about how many points they are.

This week I resolve to stay 100% on track and not over eat...

...Except for tonight, because I'm going out drinking with my friends.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

DVD Reviews & weekend re-cap

Saturday, I went to Wal-Mart with Adam and I picked up a few new exercise DVDs as I've been doing the same 2 since last November and last March, respectively.

I purchased CRUNCH Cardio Go-Go Dancing and 10 MINUTE SOLUTION: Slim & Sculpt Pilates with Pilates Band and although BOTH of them have kicked my ass, I'd recommend both of them to anyone looking for a....serious challenge.

Yesterday, I did the Go-Go dancing before work. At first I thought it would be a good idea, to you know, pick up some extra dance moves, just in case. I looked like a retard having seizures as I shimmied and shook to this work-out. It's a good thing no one was here to see it. I still had a lot of fun and definitely got my heart pumping. I suggest doing this in the privacy of your own home or...getting drunk and having a dance party with your friends.

I just got finished with the new Pilates one. Now, I've been doing Pilates for almost a year and I don't think anything could have prepared me for this one. The DVD comes with this neat purple band that adds resistance. Although I was able to do each exercise, I struggled...a lot. And I grunted, like a middle aged man dropping a deuce in the toilet. I only had time to do three of them. I might do the other two when I get home from life tonight. We'll see. I might be in too much goshdang pain.

In other news, Amy and I have set a goal to be 5 pounds lighter by October, 17 2007 (this is before I head down to NC for Tito's wedddddding!) So if all goes as planned, I will be 160 lbs by then.

Here are a few photo's from the balloon festival Adam took me to on Sunday morning. It was incredible, really. He has some pics on his camera, so I'll add those when I get them.

Oh...and I ate bad food this weekend, but spaced out over loooong periods of time. For example, Saturday we had a Dunkin Donuts coffee roll for breakfast and then I had a cheeseburger & fries from Friendly's for lunch. We did a lot of walking and shopping and I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day/night. Sunday, I had Denny's Super Omlette (made with egg beaters!) around 8 am and ate a cider donut at a craft fair he took me too, like 4ish. I didn't eat again until 8 pm, dining on Kung Pow Shrimp Lo Mein from Ichiban.

I'm hoping the activity increase (we were busy ALL weekend doing things) and bad food cancels itself out and that I loose weight this week.

Friday, September 21, 2007

accentuate the +'s

I gained .4 of a pound back this week.
I also managed to shave off an inch or two from my body.
I'm not really upset. I know that I will just try again this week. I am very motivated to succeed and hope to lose these last 16 pounds by the new year. Actually, that's my new goal.

GOAL: I want to be 148 lbs. by January 2008

I will now give you my 10 month update:

November 2006
Arms- 12"
Hips- 42"
Legs- 24"
Waist- 38"
Weight: 193 pounds

September 21, 2007
Arms- 11" (-1 inch)
Hips- 38" (-4 inches)
Legs- 21" (-3 inches) *14 inches TOTAL!
Waist- 32" (-6 inches)
Weight: 165.2 pounds (-28 pounds)

See why I shouldn't be discouraged by a slight gain????? I've come SO far and done so well that even if I stopped trying now, I'd still be better off than I was last year.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

what the?

Just finished 20 minutes of my Pilates DVD, and before that, I organized and threw out some garbage in my room. I can't find my "Waiting" movie. I am angry.

Instead of sleeping in the past two days, I've woken up an hour early in an attempt to get some exercise into my crazy schedule. Although I could totally use the sleep, I feel like I'm doing something better for myself. Now that I have a Monday-Friday week, I can just sleep in on Saturday after an exhausting week.

This weekend was productive for life, but not productive for school. Friday night, Adam came to Bomber's to meet up with my friends. I ate jerk pork tacos and drank lots of Strong Bow. I felt swollen and unhappy but it was totally worth it. Saturday, I spent the day reading text books and doing some homework. Then I headed up to Adam's house for a party he threw. I, wings, and someone had shrimp cocktail that I vaguely remember chowing down on. HOWEVER... I was drinking Blueberry Stoli and CRYSTAL LIGHT drink packets, so I was saving myself lots and lots and lots of calories and I think it was OK that I ate a lot. Sunday, I went home for my best friend's older sisters bridal shower. It was a lot of fun seeing people and eating really delicious food. Including....bread, chicken and amazing cake with custardy goodness.

Here is a 4 picture weekend re-cap:


Me & my mama @ Adrienne's Bridal Shower

Megan (maid of honor!) & I


my signature look while my boyfriend was play fighting his buddy

we are adorable, yes?

Not to be vain, but I've been receiving a lot of compliments lately on how I look. People I haven't seen in awhile tell me how good I'm looking. It also appears that my co-workers can tell when I've lost more weight, b/c I say "no, i think i haven't" and then the next time I get on that scale...poof!

Not to be stupid, but I don't think I look any better than I have. On most days I still feel like a chubber, even 28 (29 really, if we're getting technical) pounds later. I know I see myself every day, and I know that my face has thinned out A LOT. But I still think, well, I still think I'm having some body image issues. Which is normal and OK. I'm losing in a healthy, SLOW, but healthy way. At 193 I just wanted to be's funny how that stuff works!

I only have 16 more pounds to lose.
Can you believe it??!??!?!

Friday, September 14, 2007

28 pounds!!!!!

To start, I am totally teary-eyed (tears of joy!) as I write this.

This morning @ 7:00 am I put on my lucky lime green pants, went to my new WW meeting place (closer to home) and got on the scale. The receptionist told me I was down 1.4 pounds and when I checked my little booklet, I saw that I now weigh:

164.8 pounds

To add to my joy of being under 165 pounds and the lowest I've weighed since the last time I lost weight, and before that, senior year of high school...I've officially lost EVERYTHING I gained back. Roughly, that would be about 28 pounds.

In addition to this huge milestone? I found my old Weight Watcher leader from when Amy and I lost our weight in college. After the meeting, we totally hugged and I got teary eyed as I talked about what I've done since the last meeting I went to with her. She shared how much she had missed us and how she thought about us often. I could really go on and on about how inspirational this woman is to me, but I won't bore you.

Call it fate, call it luck, call it whatever the heck you want to but I'm ridiculously happy right now and I think this is just what I needed.

Friday, September 7, 2007

ding ding diiing

new hair cut, new attitude??

To whom it may concern:

In the upcoming weeks, I will be working a nice and normal Monday through Friday. Due to this, weigh-in days will either be Thursday or Friday after work (I'm still deciding) and no longer Mondays.

I'm hoping the new meeting place & time will shake things up a bit from the monotony. Also-- I hope that weighing in at the end of the week will let me have a little more fun on the weekends and be more incentive to behave all week. This might be just what I need to re-vamp things and help me keep going down, down, down.

To my surprise, I lost a pound since last weigh-in, which means I'm
166.2 lbs.

To celebrate, I've already managed to consume 22 points worth of food for the day (I only have 23 per day) and I'm going out to dinner with Adam for Indian food in a few minutes. BUT...I will be behaving all week. I wrote this out so that I could remind myself ALL WEEK that I must keep on track so I can get down to 165 as soon as humanly possible.

My measurements haven't really changed, so until they do, I'm not bothering to update that section. Just be happy I lost weight. Less of me next week!

Sincerely yours,


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

probably the best post i will ever write, ever

I'm writing tonight, because I will not have time for the rest of the week until weigh-in day. Between work (still 2 jobs), school, homework and date-night with Adam...I will be a busy chicky.

Kudos to: ME! I ran 1 whole mile on Monday. I haven't ran in forever. I figured I'd try a nice jog since I've lost so much weight and quit smoking and I did great! Good for me!

Yesterday, while wearing a pair of size 10 jeans, I realized for the first time ever, where the weight comes off on me.

(This is the part where I explain what the heck I'm talking about, so bear with me)

Most people who have lost weight, can list the places on their bodies where the weight comes off easiest/quickest. For example, some women lose in their thighs right away. Others lose their tetas (boobies) when they shed major poundage. I can proudly say that while I've lost lots of inches around my whole body, I've lost the most in my waist and I've also lost A LOT of BUTT.

Now don't get me wrong, my boyfriend still has plenty to grab. I wear pants that fit me the right way in the right places, I'm lacking a little in the buns department. OK that last statement was kind of a lie. Most of my dress/work pants are still 12's and they sag in the tush. But to be fair, my 10's were a little baggy in the rear. Regardless, my butt has been compacted due to all of the hard work I've put in. I just really wish my boobs would go away.

In other news, I've survived (just barely) my 1st week back to graduate school. If the work load doesn't kill me, I will probably kill myself.

And here, is the best part of the post. I've compiled a list of 10 things I've learned on my diet journey and I will share with you some of my secrets:
  1. "If you are not hungry enough to eat an apple, then you aren't really hungry." - I got this gem from my WW magazine and it's really, really true.
  2. I am really, really into cheese. I love cheese, a lot. Instead of buying cheese slices or bricks of cheese, I've purchased some low-fat shredded cheese to add to my sandwiches and eggs and on wraps as fake quesadillas. Although right now I would give YOUR left arm for a slice of thick sliced, yellow American Land-O-Lakes brand deli cheese (Yes, I know brands!) I'm finding that if you melt the shredded stuff you can still enjoy cheesy goodness. And without all of the guilt associated with it.
  3. That being said, having only 1 piece of deli meat/cheese goes a long way. Even though I rarely ever eat the stuff, 1 slice is now sufficient for me. Your sammy won't taste any different whether or not you have 1 slice or 7, but you save A LOT of points (calories, fat, etc) if you skip the extras and just take what you need. If you think about it, each slice of meat is 2 points (roughly 120 calories) and it adds up quickly. When you only get so many points allowed per day, you seriously consider what you'd use them on and what you can live without.
  4. If I'm trying not to overeat at a function or I'm hungry with low points left, I might just consume a giant bowl of salad (1/2 a bag from the bagged salad thingies I buy). Add extra veggies for fun. For some reason, eating all of that lettuce tricks my tummy and my brain into thinking I'm full. I think the lettuce touches sensors in the tum-tum sending a signal to my brain that I'm sassi-fied.
    • Another trick, that took me FOR-EV-ER to learn and perfect is this. When you're at a BBQ, buffet or at a dinner table with lots of options, ONLY TAKE WHAT YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT. After that funeral I wanted to stuff a bagel with cream cheese and lox into my face. Instead, I thought about it and what I really wanted was sweets so I ate fruit and 3 cookies instead. And I felt a lot better about my choices. A rule for me is to eat what I couldn't eat on a normal day, or to order something I couldn't get anywhere else.
  5. I used to make meats & veggies sauteed in oil to put over pastas or rices. I've learned that sometimes it's OK to just eat that stuff, not over anything. It tastes JUST as good plus I get to eat more of it and put grated cheese on it! Yum-O
  6. Whatever I'm craving, be it bacon or pizza (2 of my most recent!) there is always a lighter alternative. I've recently found some veggie bacon (made from tofu I think) that actually tastes pretty darn close to the real thing. I'm able to eat 2 slices of it for the price of 1 and that's a positive. If I have to have the real thing, I just try to eat 1/2 of it. And try not to cry.
  7. For some reason, spicy things fill me up quicker. I know they're supposed to help with metabolism but I feel fuller when I have spicy stuff.
  8. When out at a restaurant, just put 1/2 of your entree away immediately and save yourself. This one's a no-brainer.
  9. Don't confuse hunger with dehydration. I used to do that, until I began drinking a ridiculous amount of water everyday. Now, I feel awful when I don't get to. And my pee is darker and smells weird.
  10. Getting a good night's sleep (i.e. going to bed at a normal hour) really helps. In college, I would eat just to stay awake and do my homework. Getting to bed helps.

I've been REALLY good today and for the entire week. I'm hoping that getting back to routine will set me straight and get me back on track so I can lose this weight. I have two important weddings coming up that I need to be hot for! Plus, I just wanna look better and be at goal weight already!!!!!

Here's to hoping there's less of me next time. And maybe some of this has helped you too?

Monday, August 27, 2007

back to skoooool?!?

That time of year has approached. This evening I begin my 3rd full time semester of graduate school. As stated previously, I'm excited to learn but not excited to read textbooks or write papers. And now, I'm not even sure I want to do this for the rest of my life. I am seriously considering a career change (before I even start one, I might add) to being a teacher(?!) or even a school counselor?! This has absolutely nothing to do with my fatgirlblogging, but it's something thats now on my mind besides food.

I digress...

My Friday began very stressfully, finding out that one of my relatives died and that I would have to figure out a way to get home for a funeral in LI on Sunday morning. Pair that up, with aggravation and chaos at work and it turned out to be a rough day. I had to go into Talbot's to work after work, which only added to my frustration (remind me that I need to QUIT!) and luckily found someone to cover my Sunday shift. While I working at the register towards the end of the night, in walks Adam with a purple rose for me because he knew I had such a shitty day. I am a very lucky girl.

Sunday, I went to the funeral. I saw a bunch of relatives I didn't remember, who remember me as a baby and not a voluptuous 23 year old with tattoos and spike heels. At least I got to tell them I was a graduate student? After the funeral and cemetery, we headed over to someone's house and there was a giant spread of Jewish foods including: salted fish, bagels, cream cheese, tuna/egg/whitefish/potato salads, cookies and fruit. I chose to make a plate of fruit and a cookie or two, instead of eating salty Jew food. It was PAINFUL not to make a bagel with lox and eat it. But I persevered.

For dinner, I went with my mom and her friend Jackie to a Jewish deli back at home, and ended up eating: salty Jew food. And man, was it good.
Mommy & me pic (do we even look related??!?!)

I am still successfully a NON-SMOKER (2 weeks strong!) and I've recently began an attempt to stop eating my cuticles.

So today, was weigh-in day....and how did I do?

I, Jillian, lost the 2.6 pounds I had gained last week! Wohoooo!
Arms: 11"
Hips: 38"
Legs: 22
Waist: 32

167.2 pounds of woman! Only 2 more pounds for my goal of weighing 165 by next week. Ummm, I really hope that happens! I'm setting up more goals soon and I'd really love to write more but I've got A LOT to do and not so much time to get it done!!!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

lunch break report!

A quickie mid-week review (as per special request from Alexis A. Darling) as I have snuck home for a lunch break and will return to work, only to go to Talbots where I may or may not be giving my 2 weeks notice.
  • Quitting smoking has increased my appetite ridiculously. I'm still trying to figure out if it's mental hunger or physical hunger. Either way, I'm starving. But not wasting away like I hoped. I think it's mental hunger that causes me to stuff food into my face. At least I'm not sucking down chocolate candy bars like last week. I am aware that food is not filling a whole where ciggies once were. Maybe food just tastes better when your tongue isn't covered in nicotine.
  • Quitting has also made me irrational in some ways and very, very irritable.
  • Yesterday I had a picnic at work, and for the first time in a long time, I consumed delicious deli-meat. It took up almost 1/2 of my daily points allowance but was totally worth it. My sandwich consisted of:
    • 1 slice of ham (2 pts)
    • 1 slice of turkey (2 pts)
    • 1 slice of roast beef (2 pts)
    • 1 slice of processed american cheese (2 pts)
    • on a wheat roll/bun thingie (2 pts)
      • TOTAL: 10 points of heaven
  • Today I only ordered 1 donut from Dunkin Donuts, although my heart told me to order 2. I could have even saved money on the special combo if I ordered 2. But I didn't. Fuck my wallet and fuck my waistline. And fuck you, you jerk.

I told her it was because I wanted to have a normal work week, I've been working Saturdays for them almost 2 years and I wanted some change.

Back to work. And shitty Talobot's. Wish me luck this weekend. Hopefully there will be less of me on Monday :-)

Monday, August 20, 2007

sore & swollen

(If only losing weight was as fun & easy as learning to shoot a gun!)

Now don't get me wrong, I knew I was going to have a gain this week. But I was certainly NOT anticipating a gain of 2.5 pounds.

Back at the dreaded 169, only a pound away from 170 made me very emotional today.

Arms: 11"
Hips: 38"
Legs: 22
Waist: 32

On the upside, I ate a ton of chocolate this week because yes, I quit smoking AGAIN. But this time very seriously. I tried to be good. But it obviously didn't work. Not writing down every piece of chocolaty goodness ended up screwing me over. Chocolate: 1 ~ Jillian: 0

This week, I'm done with being lax about eating. I am ridiculously cranky and sensitive right now but I'm going to kick my own butt. Today at my WW meeting, an older lady said something that made me really stop and think. Think hard and remember why I'm trying to lose the rest of this weight:

"Not writing down everything you eat is like cheating in solitaire."

And I had a light bulb moment. I am setting a goal for myself to be 165 lbs by Labor Day. I was so close and August has totally kicked my butt. But I don't feel hopeless, just frustrated temporarily. If I get to this goal weight by goal time, I will treat myself to a pedicure. Or a new pair of shoes. Something with my feet.

So my weekend? It was wonderful. Let's start in pictures (there are only 3, this will be short):

Here we are, at Adam's work picnic. We switched sunglasses and I made him take a picture with me. I only ate a palm sized amount of venison steak, a scoop of macaroni salad and a scoop of baked beans. AND I played horsehoes (which I am not awesome at) I drank quite a few beers, but behaved foodwise. We got back to his parent's house and ended up eating a very late Shabbos dinner with his mom and very religious/Jewish father. Bread and butter is divine. His mom is a great cook. I overate. The end.

Saturday, we went 4-wheeling on his Kawasaki and I had a blast.... That is until he let me drive and I crashed into this pine tree. Luckily, we weren't hurt. I was wearing a helmet and gloves. But, there is a bruise on my rib, my arm and my whole body is sore. Still. After a nap, we ate left overs from the night before. Still very delicious. Still ate too much.

Finally, Sunday we went to his next door neighbors house and made hot pepper relish. Then, I got to shoot one of his rifle's. And I got a bullseye (see pic ALL the way at the top) As he was driving me home, we ended up eating dinner at a Chinese Buffet type place.

I ate a lot this weekend, but I also DID a lot this weekend.
It's actually nice to have a boyfriend who wants to actually DO things with me besides eat and screw.

Today I start fresh, with goals in place and a mindset to get there.

Monday, August 13, 2007

the closest i'll get to being catholic or "ode to karen"

First, a few photos from Kristen's b-day in Saratoga:

Before I explain today's title, I would like to give kudos to Tito and Eric for their recent (and finally!) serious efforts to be healthy. Not only will you both be really tall, but also even better looking. Your wedding photos will be worthy of other people's envy. I want to put a dirty comment about how much more energy you'll have to make sexy time together once you lose weight... but Tito's mom reads this. So enter a witty/perverted comment here: ____________________.

So back to my title! Today, after returning from a brief hiatus, I went to a very good meeting. We talked about "Weigh-in confessionals" which is when you step on the scale, you confess everything to the receptionist who weighs you in. I am very guilty of this phenomenon. My weigh-in lady's name is Karen. Each week (except for the past 2) I am greeted with a smile by Karen. Then I step on the scale and am either: a) ecstatic (relieved) that I've lost some weight; b) upset that all of the cheese and booze actually caught up with me or c) neutral feeling, b/c I know I was "bad" and deserved whatever I gained. And each week, Karen is supportive of me. So naturally, I confess all of my "sins" to Karen. I tell how hard to get back on track, or how much I tried to have a good week. I also tell her when I've been really, really bad.

It turns out I'm not the only person in the world who does this.

At today's meeting, we ended up talking about how people from the outside (i.e. skinny people, fat people not on WW) just don't understand us sometimes. I brought up a story that just happened yesterday. Adam and I went to Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast and I ordered a bagel with my cream cheese on the side. Then he asked me why I did it, before remembering and having an "oh duh!" moment. He's actually really good about being supportive and I haven't driven him crazy with talk of points yet. We've also discussed how he really likes my body now but also admits to being happy that he'll be there when "my stock goes up"

In other news, I bought lots of new food at the stupid market today. I needed to mix things up, and I want to eat all of it right now. At the moment I'm eating these Veggie Bite things, that feel like I'm eating fried appetizer-like food. They're portabella mushroom/mozzarella thingies and I baked them. And I got to feel like a cheater for 4 points.

So, as expected, I gained a pound over the last 2 weeks. And I told Karen that although I'm disappointed, I totally expected it.

Weight: 167.2 (and I'm STILL under 170 pounds!!!!!)

I also got to be proud of myself remembering that before I did WW, I would have eaten 2-3 times what I eat now when I'm "splurging" and that's to be rewarded. With cottage cheese and fruit b/c I'm still hungry after these Veggie things.

Thursday, August 9, 2007


I have a love-slash-hate relationship with my body lately.

There are so many things I LOOOOVEEEE about my body. I love the fact that I have a waist now. I love that I have relatively flat stomach, collar bones and a tighter butt. I love that I have more energy for EVERYTHING (and I do mean, e v e r y t h i n g) being a lot lighter. I love, love, love feeling healthy and strong.

I hate:
my boobs (would like a reduction!)
my bingo fat arms* (liposuction?)
cellulite on the backs of my thighs (can't really do much for that)

sillyjilly22 8: yeah well my arms are like bingo fat
sillyjilly22 8: im like an old lady with fat bingo arms
SkiBuni35: what are bingo arms?
sillyjilly228 : fat old lady arms
SkiBuni35: oh
SkiBuni35: bc fat old ladies like to play bingo?
sillyjilly22 8: yes.

and why the heck am I so friggin' hungry?

Monday, August 6, 2007

badda bing*

I just got back from the gym, where I believe I sweat out about 3 pounds of cheese that I ate this weekend. This does not account for the other 3 pounds of cheese or food with cheese on it, or pepperoni or brownies or anything else that I consumed. I was gross this weekend. I ate, I drank and I got a dollar from a man at the titty bar for having bigger boobs than the stripper.

I am so not weighing in this week. At all. I should, but I'm giving myself a break to get back onto track.

Here are just a few pictures of my weekend fun:

Friday, August 3, 2007


Yeah, I found out yesterday that I had previously asked for today off. So, like anyone with an obligation to report their weight to people who read their fatgirlblog, I went to Weight Watchers this morning to see how I had done.

I am happy to report that I lost about 1/2 a pound this week, making the grand total:

166.2 pounds

or really, 27 gone
18 to go

I'm also weighing in now, because this weekend is going to be pretty disgusting. And by disgusting, I mean that I will be eating and drinking like a hurricane in Corning, NY.

So maybe you won't get an update on Monday? But you'll get something.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

so this is what it's supposed to feel like?

2 jobs + boy + busy week = no time

no time to update, no time to get weighed in, no time to buy groceries, no tiiiimeeeeee
but i did take some pictures this weekend....

weight loss has taken a back seat to this week, sorry folks.

i'll be back, next week....