Saturday, November 3, 2007

weight loss: a thought piece

WARNING: This is long, and this is whiny. Read it or don't.

Even though I lost 1.8 pounds this week, I am still discouraged by losing weight in general. I still wish I weighed under 160 by now, instead of 164 being the lowest...EVER.

It's really amazing how unconsciously, without your knowledge, you basically CAN control what you weigh to some extent. I could follow my points to the exact amount, but then, I don't know if I would ever want to miss some of the yummy food I've been around. That being said, it is also true that your body does what it wants and even when you think you're having a good week, you can gain or when you think you've been a total fat ass, you can lose.

Yesterday, I stayed late after the meeting and talked with Chris (the leader) about needing some help getting below 160. She asked me what I was afraid of. I said I wasn't necessarily scared of anything, but I brought up the fact that 164 lbs. is where I "choked" last time and ended up gaining all of the weight back + 3. We also talked about how the last pounds are the hardest to shed.

I also talked about feeling anxious. I am worried all of the time about money, school work, stress from my job, my living situation and maybe...just maybe I am sabotaging my own weight loss? Am I terribly afraid of losing the weight, because I hid behind my chubby girl persona for so long (since skinny girls obviously can't be funny like a chubber can)?! Am I scared that it will be even harder to stay thinner once I get there? Is my eating really the one thing I feel that I have control over, and when everything is out of wack, I can maintain this weight and be comfortable? Can I really afford a brand new wardrobe of smaller clothing?!? Or do I just eat too many cookies and not do enough sit-ups?

Phew. Glad I got all of that depressing crap out of the way.

Anywho, I lost 1.8 pounds (165 lbs) and filled back up with a steak chimichangas and 4 glasses of white sangria last night. Today and tomorrow I will be writing papers until my hands fall off.

In closing, I think if our lives were boring and routine, it would be much much easier to lose weight and keep it off. But life is awful and wonderful and full of surprises....

...And by surprises, I mean chocolate chip cookies.


1 comment:

Rhonda said...

You are very insipriational to me. You will get to where you want, don't worry you are doing great.