Wednesday, October 31, 2007

happy hello ween

I've been a fat-ass all week.
Yesterday, while reaching on the floor for a bagel I dropped, I split the inside lining of my pants.
The day before that, I got a ticket for talking on my cell phone while operating a motor vehicle.

I have been trying DESPERATELY to get back on track, and I try, and then I fail. I just want to weigh 160. Why can't I lose this weight? Over the last year, I've averaged about 10 pounds lost every 3 months. I haven't hit a milestone since June 4, 2007. It's fucking November and I'm still in the 160's.

I'm bloated, I'm cranky and extremely discouraged. least I looked cute on Halloween?

Friday, October 26, 2007

a sigh of relief

After being a complete and total lard ass for almost 2 weeks, I weighed in this morning.

I only gained 2.6 pounds, bringing the total BACK up to 166.8 lbs. I know I should have been better and not eaten all of the food, made efforts to exercise more, etc. I know that I shouldn't have eaten all that cheese covered bread and drank that red wine last night @ Michelle's house. I know, I know, I know. But I also know that if I didn't let myself have these last 2 weeks, I would not have enjoyed it half as much as I did. And I did enjoy it :-)

Today starts me fresh and getting back on track. 160 pounds by 11/9/07 (just in time for the second wedding i'm going to this fall!)

Although this weekend might present a little bit of an obstacle. Today is my 3 month anniversary with Adam and we're going to din-din someplace niice. And tomorrow is HALLOWEEEN Party Night in Albany, which in turn, means that I will be drinking heavily in shorts and a bald head....I'm Britney, bitch!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

ta weekend in photos

Oh...and I ate a lot. A lot lot. Biscuits, bowls of shucked clams in butter, steaks, McDonald's breakfast (complete with eggs, cheese and some kind of meat on a biscuit or a McGriddle) and hashbrowns. And I drank wine and beer. The only exercise I got was riding in the car or dancing at the reception.

It was TOTALLY worth it and I don't care how much weight I may have gained.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

she wore an itsy bitsy

So I just tried on my black two-piece, you know, in case I have to wear it this weekend. I didn't look like a Victoria's Secret model but I definitely didn't look half bad either.

Vacation: begins tomorrow.
New goal: 160 by Halloween
Other goal: be something fun for Halloween

Friday, October 12, 2007


At today's meeting we talked about wanting to be butterflies. Chris (leader) read this quote:

"How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much
that you're willing to give up being a caterpillar."

Then we talked about why some people don't want to give up being a caterpillar. My contribution was that being skinny in cold weather is twice as cold as it is when I'm fat. And I'm dead serious too. Some other people mentioned that being a butterfly is hard work; another person talked about their fear of failure. I could relate to this too.

Last time I lost the weight, I was right around this poundage. And I got cocky, then dated guys who ultimately made me miserable but fed me well. And voila! I had gained the weight back. I've been creeping around this 165 weight now for well over a month. I'm very aware that my weight loss is slowing down as I am heading towards goal. But I figured that another reason I've stuck around this weight so long, is that lingering thought in the back of my mind that I could fail again. As stupid as this could potentially sound, I'm not afraid of failing anymore.

Welp, I lost 1.4 pounds this week. Which is good. I'm back down to 164.2 pounds. I lost a few inches here and there, after kicking serious ass at the gym this weekend. And I'm not a failure. Or a frumpy caterpillar.

It's not the willpower. It's the wantpower.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

mind over belly

While I was doing my 4 mile walk today, I almost got ran over by a car. I guess people think it's funny to drive their SUV's close enough to the side of the road to knock over a girl in shiny black spandex pants. Luckily I caught my balance and all that happened was that I got some prickly crap on my arms/legs.

Now instead of writing a paper, I'm really contemplating what I want to be for Halloween. I will NEVER be able to top last year's Flavor Flave costume. Last year's costume was also FABULOUS for hiding weight gain in, I mean, c'mon....baggy silk pajamas? This year presents a *new* challenge. Now that I'm closer to "average" weight, I can probably wear something a little more, risky, and get away with it. But I also don't want to look like a fat girl trying too hard.

These past few weeks, I'm been almost fighting a total lack of motivation. I keep calling it my 11-month-slump and it's like walking up a hill. All I want to do lately is eat whatever I see. But I've also set up a goal of being 160 lbs. by the time my best friend gets married. I always start the week with good intentions and then end up messing it up somehow. But I've also eaten a lot each weekend, and don't have any points left to budget for the week.

On Friday, I felt really uncomfortable because I could tell that I had gained weight back. So I'm actually glad I took the week off. I've only not weighed in 2 or 3 x's for almost a year. That's pretty darn good I'd say.

So... mind over belly. I need to re figure somethings that I'm doing wrong and go back to see what I did right.

Friday, October 5, 2007


Dear Reader,

Slept right through this morning's meeting and was over an hour LATE to work. Only woke up because my boyfriend texted me at 9:15 am. I stopped at Starbucks and had a mocha-mint frappucino with whipped cream on top to celebrate?

This is all for the best, seeing as I was a total pig for most of the week. Especially last night.

Today starts a new week of being on track. I've gotten my 11-month slump out of my system and will resume exercise tomorrow.

Deepest and most sincere apologies,

Monday, October 1, 2007

i do declare

as expected, i misbehaved with my eating this weekend
i am determined to be 160 pounds by the time my best friend ties the knot
even if it means i have to eat an entire bag of lettuce in 1 sitting (which i did, btw)
and wake up early every day to exercise twice

although i love my boyfriend, it will be a nice change
NOT to stuff my face for the next two weekends while he is doing man-things
like fishing for salmons and hunting ligers

i started my 11th month of dieting right, by waking up early and kicking my own ass with snippets from 2 pilates DVD's.