Dear You (you wonderful little muffin, you)
I gained two tenths of a pound at last night's weigh in.
Probably because I didn't poop yesterday....
Today, my internship site supervisor was assisting me in working with a patient. He's 41 with a 9.5 th grade education. He mentioned something about wanting to get his GED and do something with his life BESIDES drink and use crack. My supervisor "J" made the statement that just because you have the piece of paper, doesn't mean you have brains. She called it the "Wizard of Oz-ology" and I said out loud "That's deep." And I swear to G-d I almost cried when I realized how right that movie is.
"Why, anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the earth, or slinks through slimy seas has a brain! Back where I come from we have universities - seats of great learning - where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts, and with no more brains than you have. But - they have one thing you haven't got - a diploma! Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Universita Committeeatum E Pluribus Unum, I hereby confer upon you the honorary degree of Th.D.
"As for you my fine friend, you are a victim or disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger you have no courage! You are confusing courage with wisdom. Back where I come from, we have men who are called heroes. Once a year they take their fortitude out of mothballs and parade it down the main street of the city. And they have no more courage than you have. But - they have one thing that you haven't got! A medal!! Therefore, for meritorious conduct, extraordinary valor, conspicuous bravery against wicked witches, I award you the Triple Cross. You are now a member of the Legion of Courage!
"As for you, my galvanized friend - you want a heart! You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
But I - I still want one.
Back where I come from there are men who do nothing all day but good deeds. They are called phil....er.....phil...er...er....good-deed-doers and their hearts are no bigger than yours, but they have one thing you haven't got! A testimonial! Therefore, in consideration of your kindness, I take pleasure at this time in presenting you with a small token of our esteem and affection. And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others."
I didn't cry in front of the patient, but I wanted to. We (I) have the power within ourselves (myself) to change our (my) inadequacies when we (I) just give up what we (I) expect and see what's really there. Externals have nothing on what's inside of us (me).
And so, with that, I make this next comment:
Being skinnier, doesn't necessarily mean I will be happy.
I hear testimonials from some of you who are overcoming ED's. Skinny girls still have problems with life, men, money, depression, family etc. All of life's issues will not be solved in a size 6 if they can't be solved in my current size 10's (or if you want to count when I hit size 14)
When I'm so down and out sometimes, tired and cranky and sad, I must remember that I can just be the best me I can be and leave it at that. I still wish I was done with losing weight, but I feel that this WHOLE journey is actually just a life lesson in disguise.