Saturday, August 8, 2009

soul searchins

Time to pick myself up by my own bootstraps and ask of myself "What am I *really* hungry for?"

Yes, I've gained back 18 pounds. A reader sent me a clip of an article about weight loss motivation (if you're interested, check in the comments section of my last post) and in it was the question above.

So I asked myself, what am I really hungry about? Why am I overweight? Why have I been unable to maintain weight loss in the past? What in my life is not working? Why do I want to lose weight?

I have learned that going out with friends is a trigger for me. My friends and I tend to eat and drink when we go out. It's how we socialize. When I go out with the intention to drink, I make bad choices in eating. When I'm out to eat, I'll usually have a beer or glass of wine. Eating for me is comfort and social. I want to be able to enjoy myself, and unfortunately, that is equated with eating and drinking. I guess I would say I am hungry for companionship because I live by myself and when people want to spend time with me, it's usually to go out drinking or eating. Even at work, if someone invites me to lunch, I go. Someone brings in food, I'll eat it. When I am alone with my own food, I eat within my POINTS.

I am overweight because I continue to gain weight even despite what I consider my best efforts to lose. I end up overeating one day and it spills over into the next day. Usually because I don't have to self control to say "NO!" or to just order a salad if I do go out.

I have been unable to manage weight loss in the past because every time I do well, I get cocky. I reward myself with food. This is my cycle. I do well and I fuck it all up. Maybe I am scared to be attractive to others? Not that I am *THAT* heavy now. I am still down 20 pounds from when I had initially tried to lose weight. I may honestly be scared to maintain the weight because that used to require more work then losing it. Now the losing is hard too, because I've gone up and down again. And again.

What in my life is not working? This question may require deeper digging. I am actually doing well, I think. I have a job, a supportive boyfriend, great friends, my own apartment and car and all of that outside stuff. My job is very stressful, but I don't know how that contributes to my eating. I don't eat at the cafeteria anymore, which was a very good decision. I think my "NO!" button is broken and I am still equating fun with food.

I would like to lose weight to be healthy and avoid all of the issues that run in my family. I would like to lose weight to look good. I would like to lose weight to have a strong baby vessel when the time comes for me to procreate. I want to lose for good reasons.

Thank you, Kris, for giving me this idea.


nic said...

I think that last paragraph is totally necessary. We need to remind ourselves WHY we're doing this, and essentially those reasons need to be solid and long term.

This was a great post!

kristen said...

I had an unbelievably hard time maintaining in the beginning. I even gained back 5 lbs and have pretty much stayed where I am for the past two years. We know how to lose weight, we've done it time and again. Maintaining is a whole new ball game, and because it's not easy, we'll turn to what we always have for comfort- food.

You hit it on the head, as Nic also mentioned, that you keep your reasons WHY on the front burner at all times. There is a balance to be found where you can go out and socialize with food and drinks but not go overboard. It sucks because it's such a fine line, but it's there. It's totally possible to have it all, but anything work having has to be worked for.

Miz said...

this is such an insightful post.
and yet Im here to nudge your forward.
it is half of the work.
half of the way.

You know why. You know what (trips you up) You know you WANT IT.

Im here to tell you (lovingly :)) to git moving.

Im here to offer to lend a hand.

auntie said...

oh sister, i'm so with you on this! without even sitting down to write down the answers to those questions, all sorts of thoughts were bubbling up in my mind...things i'm afraid to look at because it means i might lose some things that are important to me right now.

but oddly enough, i've been thinking these same things lately, before i read this post. so i guess it's time to get serious, huh?

Joy Winner-or-Whiner said...

You are 1 step ahead of the game by identifying 1 one of your triggers. You must develop a back up plan on what you are going to do to replace the undesired habit.