Time to pick myself up by my own bootstraps and ask of myself "What am I *really* hungry for?"
Yes, I've gained back 18 pounds. A reader sent me a clip of an article about weight loss motivation (if you're interested, check in the comments section of my last post) and in it was the question above.
So I asked myself, what am I really hungry about? Why am I overweight? Why have I been unable to maintain weight loss in the past? What in my life is not working? Why do I want to lose weight?
I have learned that going out with friends is a trigger for me. My friends and I tend to eat and drink when we go out. It's how we socialize. When I go out with the intention to drink, I make bad choices in eating. When I'm out to eat, I'll usually have a beer or glass of wine. Eating for me is comfort and social. I want to be able to enjoy myself, and unfortunately, that is equated with eating and drinking. I guess I would say I am hungry for companionship because I live by myself and when people want to spend time with me, it's usually to go out drinking or eating. Even at work, if someone invites me to lunch, I go. Someone brings in food, I'll eat it. When I am alone with my own food, I eat within my POINTS.
I am overweight because I continue to gain weight even despite what I consider my best efforts to lose. I end up overeating one day and it spills over into the next day. Usually because I don't have to self control to say "NO!" or to just order a salad if I do go out.
I have been unable to manage weight loss in the past because every time I do well, I get cocky. I reward myself with food. This is my cycle. I do well and I fuck it all up. Maybe I am scared to be attractive to others? Not that I am *THAT* heavy now. I am still down 20 pounds from when I had initially tried to lose weight. I may honestly be scared to maintain the weight because that used to require more work then losing it. Now the losing is hard too, because I've gone up and down again. And again.
What in my life is not working? This question may require deeper digging. I am actually doing well, I think. I have a job, a supportive boyfriend, great friends, my own apartment and car and all of that outside stuff. My job is very stressful, but I don't know how that contributes to my eating. I don't eat at the cafeteria anymore, which was a very good decision. I think my "NO!" button is broken and I am still equating fun with food.
I would like to lose weight to be healthy and avoid all of the issues that run in my family. I would like to lose weight to look good. I would like to lose weight to have a strong baby vessel when the time comes for me to procreate. I want to lose for good reasons.
Thank you, Kris, for giving me this idea.