soul meets body (long entry)

Yesterday was a difficult day. Fighting with my boyfriend makes my body go on hunger strike, which is good, I guess. If we fought everyday I'd be thinner by now??

<><><>

But yesterday was a good day too. I spoke with my doctor and we discussed my weight(after she jabbed me in the arm with a flu shot). I told her that I was down to 156 last summer, but had gained about 20 lbs back. She told me to try Weight Watchers. I shared that I have been going for the last 2.5 years, never stopped trying on one level or another and that I am struggling. We looked at some charts and graphs and decided that 160-164 would be a borderline healthy target for me. She said that because I am larger framed (i always knew it!!) that 120-130 lbs might be unrealistic for me. She was pleased that I try to exercise 3 times a week, but I said that I want to try cardio 4 times a week and strength training 1 day. So I am holding myself to it. I am going to exercise 5 x's a week if it kills me and I will muster up the energy to do it after work and/or force myself out of bed in the morning.

With that, she wrote me a note that 160 is a healthy target weight for me on her doctor pad. And I will hand it in to my WW Leader Lady. And then 160 lbs will be my lifetime goal and I can finally STOP PAYING and possibly become a leader myself. I think I would be a good candidate for Leader, aside from the whole professional counselor piece. It's going to take me another couple of months too get down to 160 but I will be fighting the good fight.

<><><>

On Wednesday, I saw the psychiatrist. He is monitoring my progress since I stopped taking antidepressant medication back in June. We talked about my plan to talk with the doctor (see above) briefly. He asked if there were underlying issues with weight and self-image and relations and sex. I told him that I was/am comfortable in my role as "chubby funny friend" and when I lose weight, I lose that role somehow. I no longer have the excuse that I'm not attractive or the excess flab to hide behind. People are nicer to me, men pay more attention, yada yada yada. My last two significant relationships before this one, I had lost weight and essentially decided to break things off. This happened simultaneously with the weight loss of course, but it still plays some weird role in it. Dr. L and I discussed that maybe I unconsciously put weight back on in this last year because I don't want to break up with my boyfriend.

<><><>

It makes sense for me to take a look at the biological and psychological issues at hand to get the whole picture.