untitled.

I don't want to *lose* weight.

I want to "take it off."
Things that are lost, can be found again.

honoring the past

I lost 2.4 lbs this week, after 2 weeks of gaining.

I feel better. My clothes fit a little better. I figured out that Thursday is going to be the best weigh-in day for me now. Why? Thursday means I have the weekend and week to get back in line. Thursday means I slip a little bit and get myself together in time. Thursday weigh-in was when I was successful back in college. When I had a partner, Amy, (my roommate and one of my best friends) to keep me in check. Thursday was with Chris, the spunky WW Leader who fell in love with Amy & I, as two chubby college girls who spiced up her meetings. Who still remembers me, from 5 years ago.

Things have changed since then. Losses, gains, issues...life. Life happened.

upside of looking down

Today I weighed in at WW. Not because I wanted to. I felt obligated to go, because I won't be around this weekend to do it and I wanted to get a number for myself.

I gained 3 lbs. Not a huge deal. Its the middle of the week. I accidentally drank a few beers last night and ate a corned beef Reuben. And the night before? I drank 3 glasses of wine, ate a basket of tortilla chips and had a "grilled chicken salad" at a Mexican restaurant. The salad negated the wine and chips. See?

So I'm talking to the weigh-in lady and she said: "Oh, I see you've gained a bit. Were you expecting it?" I responded by shrugging my shoulders. "Meh," I said. "I have been doing this for three years and I sabotage myself all of the time. Now isn't different." Then we talked about how I was 6 lbs away from goal and how I've been giving Weight Watchers $40/month for so long.

Then it hits me, like a pound of butter. Yeah, it effing sucks that I spend $40/month BUT imagine if I had given up on myself last year when I gained weight back and stopped going all together?

The damage might be irreparable.

just say NO

Yesterday, my time of the month emotions were running high. So I went to the gym and got running. Well, er, biking and EFX-ing. After about an hour of a sweaty and productive workout, I stopped at a local Stewarts (think chain convenience store for those of you who don't know what a Stewart's is) to buy cigarettes and milk. Cigarettes. And milk.

I got the milk, a bottle of diet Pepsi and some gum and walked up to the counter. Before I could ask for the cigarettes, the woman behind the counter started talking to me about $1.99 pint sale of their ice cream. I said no, very politely. I think I even said "No thank you." But the bitch kept talking up the ice cream. "It'll only be on sale till midnight tonight." "We have all of your favorite flavors." "You know with the weather getting warmer, ice cream is so good." As I was paying for my milk, soda and gum I said "No. I actually just came from the gym and it would totally negate what I just did if I got that ice cream. I'm going to drink this diet Pepsi and cry myself to sleep." I spied a pint container of Coconut Brownie Explosion in the freezer underneath me as she was swiping my card. I asked her if the transaction had completed and she said yes. I said: "This is a sign from upstairs that I am not meant to have that ice cream."

I walked out. Got in the car. Breathed a sigh of relief until I realized I never got the cigarettes. Instead of going BACK in there, where the lady was practically feeding me the ice cream from the carton, I did the RIGHT thing. Opened up my soda and drove home. And ate some Girl Scout cookies when I got there.

nemeses and notebooks.

I don't know if I've told you about my arch-nemesis at the gym. I may have written about her before. She is who I'll never be: small. She is petite. She is attractive. She has muscular arms. I hate her, only because I'm jealous. But I also work out harder when I see her. She is ALWAYS at the gym and now her and her boyfriend (also muscular, attractive) work out together. I want to throw up in my mouth when I see them. Last time I saw them, they were wearing coordinated Under Armor gym clothes. I hate them. I hate me.

In other news, I have had TWO weeks of naughtiness, although this week I can breathe through my nose. Last week, I had a nasty cold. This week I have stepped it up and have already went to the gym 3 times (Since Saturday) and did yoga last night after I went out to dinner. I have a notebook, in which I am writing what I do in three columns: cardio, strength and flexibility. I am hoping that having a real written account of what I am doing will help. Plus I see people with these notebooks at the gym all of the time and I want to have one too.

Finally, I wanted to post pictures of my 26th Birthday party but my computer isn't allowing me to, like it's not allowing me to post on certain people's comments!!!!!!!!!! (This makes me angry!)