happy hello ween

I've been a fat-ass all week.
Yesterday, while reaching on the floor for a bagel I dropped, I split the inside lining of my pants.
The day before that, I got a ticket for talking on my cell phone while operating a motor vehicle.

I have been trying DESPERATELY to get back on track, and I try, and then I fail. I just want to weigh 160. Why can't I lose this weight? Over the last year, I've averaged about 10 pounds lost every 3 months. I haven't hit a milestone since June 4, 2007. It's fucking November and I'm still in the 160's.

I'm bloated, I'm cranky and extremely discouraged.

But...at least I looked cute on Halloween?

a sigh of relief

After being a complete and total lard ass for almost 2 weeks, I weighed in this morning.

I only gained 2.6 pounds, bringing the total BACK up to 166.8 lbs. I know I should have been better and not eaten all of the food, made efforts to exercise more, etc. I know that I shouldn't have eaten all that cheese covered bread and drank that red wine last night @ Michelle's house. I know, I know, I know. But I also know that if I didn't let myself have these last 2 weeks, I would not have enjoyed it half as much as I did. And I did enjoy it :-)

Today starts me fresh and getting back on track. 160 pounds by 11/9/07 (just in time for the second wedding i'm going to this fall!)

Although this weekend might present a little bit of an obstacle. Today is my 3 month anniversary with Adam and we're going to din-din someplace niice. And tomorrow is HALLOWEEEN Party Night in Albany, which in turn, means that I will be drinking heavily in shorts and a bald head....I'm Britney, bitch!

ta weekend in photos

Oh...and I ate a lot. A lot lot. Biscuits, bowls of shucked clams in butter, steaks, McDonald's breakfast (complete with eggs, cheese and some kind of meat on a biscuit or a McGriddle) and hashbrowns. And I drank wine and beer. The only exercise I got was riding in the car or dancing at the reception.

It was TOTALLY worth it and I don't care how much weight I may have gained.

she wore an itsy bitsy

So I just tried on my black two-piece, you know, in case I have to wear it this weekend. I didn't look like a Victoria's Secret model but I definitely didn't look half bad either.

Vacation: begins tomorrow.
New goal: 160 by Halloween
Other goal: be something fun for Halloween

buttah-fly

At today's meeting we talked about wanting to be butterflies. Chris (leader) read this quote:

"How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much
that you're willing to give up being a caterpillar."

Then we talked about why some people don't want to give up being a caterpillar. My contribution was that being skinny in cold weather is twice as cold as it is when I'm fat. And I'm dead serious too. Some other people mentioned that being a butterfly is hard work; another person talked about their fear of failure. I could relate to this too.

Last time I lost the weight, I was right around this poundage. And I got cocky, then dated guys who ultimately made me miserable but fed me well. And voila! I had gained the weight back. I've been creeping around this 165 weight now for well over a month. I'm very aware that my weight loss is slowing down as I am heading towards goal. But I figured that another reason I've stuck around this weight so long, is that lingering thought in the back of my mind that I could fail again. As stupid as this could potentially sound, I'm not afraid of failing anymore.

Welp, I lost 1.4 pounds this week. Which is good. I'm back down to 164.2 pounds. I lost a few inches here and there, after kicking serious ass at the gym this weekend. And I'm not a failure. Or a frumpy caterpillar.

It's not the willpower. It's the wantpower.

mind over belly

While I was doing my 4 mile walk today, I almost got ran over by a car. I guess people think it's funny to drive their SUV's close enough to the side of the road to knock over a girl in shiny black spandex pants. Luckily I caught my balance and all that happened was that I got some prickly crap on my arms/legs.

Now instead of writing a paper, I'm really contemplating what I want to be for Halloween. I will NEVER be able to top last year's Flavor Flave costume. Last year's costume was also FABULOUS for hiding weight gain in, I mean, c'mon....baggy silk pajamas? This year presents a *new* challenge. Now that I'm closer to "average" weight, I can probably wear something a little more, risky, and get away with it. But I also don't want to look like a fat girl trying too hard.

These past few weeks, I'm been almost fighting a total lack of motivation. I keep calling it my 11-month-slump and it's like walking up a hill. All I want to do lately is eat whatever I see. But I've also set up a goal of being 160 lbs. by the time my best friend gets married. I always start the week with good intentions and then end up messing it up somehow. But I've also eaten a lot each weekend, and don't have any points left to budget for the week.

On Friday, I felt really uncomfortable because I could tell that I had gained weight back. So I'm actually glad I took the week off. I've only not weighed in 2 or 3 x's for almost a year. That's pretty darn good I'd say.

So... mind over belly. I need to re figure somethings that I'm doing wrong and go back to see what I did right.

hmpf!

Dear Reader,

Slept right through this morning's meeting and was over an hour LATE to work. Only woke up because my boyfriend texted me at 9:15 am. I stopped at Starbucks and had a mocha-mint frappucino with whipped cream on top to celebrate?

This is all for the best, seeing as I was a total pig for most of the week. Especially last night.

Today starts a new week of being on track. I've gotten my 11-month slump out of my system and will resume exercise tomorrow.

Deepest and most sincere apologies,
Jillian

i do declare

as expected, i misbehaved with my eating this weekend
i am determined to be 160 pounds by the time my best friend ties the knot
even if it means i have to eat an entire bag of lettuce in 1 sitting (which i did, btw)
and wake up early every day to exercise twice

although i love my boyfriend, it will be a nice change
NOT to stuff my face for the next two weekends while he is doing man-things
like fishing for salmons and hunting ligers

i started my 11th month of dieting right, by waking up early and kicking my own ass with snippets from 2 pilates DVD's.