act your age, not your waist size!

I thought of this one myself on the ride home from the Weight Watchers meeting I almost skipped. I am 25, almost 26 years old. I should have waaaaay more energy than I do. My job is not an excuse to skip the gym!

I did OK this week. Lost .2 pounds and I'm thrilled I lost 2 weeks in a row. On a holiday week. In the cold weather. I'm thinking I'm really internalizing this lifestyle again. I've been "planning" for events or at least trying to acknowledge the obstacles that are coming up by writing them down. I also write in my new journal daily to discuss the feelings and thoughts about what's going on with me.

Christmas Day I was off from work and I ate like a champ. However, I filled up on a big salad and didn't go overboard on dessert. Christmas Eve, my mom came up and wanted me to go out to dinner. I told her to eff off and I made up some porkchops, acorn squash and asparagus which was delish. I didn't want to go out when I had good food at home! The day before Christmas Eve, I went shopping and ended up at going out for a drink or 3 and eating nachos and wings. I fudged up that day but oh well!

How are YOUR holidays going>?

conclusion?

I went out and bought a journal. It says "LEARN from yesterday. LIVE for today. HOPE for tomorrow." on the cover. This, aside from my regular journal, my food journal and my blog is to serve as my "honest about what the fuck is going on with me" journal. I have already filled about 5 pages of the little bugger with rants and raves too personal to share with you, world.

I am trying to explore as to whether or not I have an eating disorder. Or if I'm just neurotic.

As a mental health professional, I can't really diagnose myself. It's not ethical and it's not a good idea. I re-read this blog (3 yrs and counting!!!) and I see myself as this once passionate young woman who got caught up in stress and self-defeating purposes. I used to blog regularly, told the readers my weight (loss) and struggles and it used to be light-hearted and funny. I'd post pictures of what I was doing and eating. Now I write intermittently and I whine when I do it. I can try to pinpoint when getting healthy wasn't fun anymore. It lost it's luster and began to consume me, while I consumed the bad stuff.

So, in conclusion, I've come to the realization that I need to make things fun and exciting again. I need to treat this weight loss thing not like a job, but like a relationship, with myself. The last few months...OK, year, has been difficult because I choose to stay stuck. I'm jumping OFF the misery train, leaving the pity party and yadda yaddaa...

I feel better already.

Aha! moments #2

Some soul searching and some researching.

I know how to eat healthy and I know how to exercise and I know how to lose weight. These are RATIONAL STATEMENTS.

I still view myself as a chubber. Chubbers don't always eat the best they can. Chubbers don't have to or want to go to the gym everyday. Chubbers don't lose weight. I have a "fat person self image." These are MY SUBCONSCIOUS THOUGHTS.

I hold myself back because somewhere deep inside my psyche, I choose to think of myself one way because that's the way I've always thought of myself. Held back, I get frustrated and justify inactivity or succumbing to peer pressure to eat because it's what I've always done... And "if you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got."

Drumroll please? I lose weight, hover above the number and sabotage myself because if you lose something, your subconscious looks for it. I may be scared of what happens should I actually achieve my goals? Do I deserve them? What am I really afraid of, besides shedding my chubby girl image?