do the "lady bobcat"

so yeeeaaaaaauuuhhhh (if you know me at all, you know what it sounds like when I say yeaaaauh) This week has been...interesting. Very, very very much so. In some very, very good ways. I've been working a lot, school is finally out for summer and I'm looking great and feeling better than great.

My diet is one of purging unnecessary ugliness from my life, in addition to the unnecessary weight. So when I say I am finally free of 200-something pounds of pure negativity, I'm not lying to you. Since this fatgirlblog is about me, I can write all I want about whatever I want. This week I've made some positive changes for the betterment of myself.

Tuesday, I proved myself to be one of the most awesome people I know. I stood in front of a grill, in 95 degree weather, in a dress and high heels, and grilled hot dogs/hamburgers for about 50+ people at our agency's MOVING UP BBQ. I also set 2 grease fires on the gas grill and almost caught myself aflame, but I did it in style. Don't hate. Because I spent the WHOLE evening grilling, I believe I saved myself about 1,000 calories. Congrats Jilly, congrats!

Then, I stayed up until 2 a.m. alternating between phone/instant messenger and writing my final paper for the summer sesh. I talked with my ex boyfriend, Rick and asked him for some tricks of the trade. He clued me in to the wonders of Fish Oil as a supplement (I don't take any at the moment). It might help my hair falling out issues and something else about weight loss. Then we talked about that new diet pill that's been approved by the FDA, Alli. When you take this pill, eat smart and exercise, I guess you lose weight. You could also just eat smart and work out and lose weight too, but whatever. If you consume too much fat during your meal, you get anal leakage. Yum.

This blurb is direct from the website, then it's our response to it:
"I understand that if I take alli with a meal containing too much fat, I may get bowel changes known as treatment effects. The effects may include gas with oily spotting, loose stools, and more frequent stools that may be hard to control. Why? Because alli prevents absorption of some of the fat, and undigested fat passes through the body"
Rick: thats an aweful aweful product designed for lazy people who lack will power
sillyjilly22 8: and who want oily doody
Rick: lol, who want malnourishment
sillyjilly22 8 (2:05:59 AM): and oily farts

As much fun as anal leakage sounds, I think I'll pass.

Wednesday, my last class of the semester and we had a pizza party. I ate a lot of pizza. But only because I had saved up points to do so. Then Mel and I headed out to see Baire on her b-day but I resisted the urge to drink and stood around and talked for a bit. I felt brave turning down beer for the sake of my waistline. (HI ARIMEY!!!!!!)

Today, well today was wonderful. Sally, Rachel, Faith and I roadtripped it to Syracuse for a COFCCA Conference on working with children. I only ate a bagel at the complimentary continental breakfast. Then, at lunch, I ate a big salad and only 1 plate of food...all of it delicious. Then I went back for a small slice of cake, because I had to. Then I whipped out my friggin' food journal and wrote everything down. Booo. I learned A LOT (my workshops were pretty cool) and we had a stalker and the ride to and from was really fun.

We stopped at a gas station, and Sally & Rachel bought me a:


They thought it was hilarious. This was my response:



Now? Now I'm going to the gym, then coming home to eat Kashi Brand DARK CHOCOLATE OATMEAL COOKIES! Because they are my favorite kind of cookie and I deserve it.

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**7 month UPDATE!!***

I took these this morning, before I went to weigh in. I'm super proud of these, even if they're less than perfect. Wanna know why?

Because today, on my 7-month anniversary of trying to lose the pounds, I officially weigh 24 less than when I started.

I weigh less than 170 pounds. I've dropped down into size 10 pants (as of Saturday, I wore JEANS in a size 10, that did not have any stretch to them and I looked pretty good)

So here is a little refresher for you, so that you don't have to scroll back to November 26th 2006:

On that day:
Waist: 38"
Hips: 42"
Arms: 12"
Legs: 24"
Weight: 193 pounds

TODAY:
Waist: 32"
Hips: 38"
Arms: 11
Legs: 22
Weight: 168. 6 pounds

24 down
20 to go

THE skinny mini END.

"these changes, ain't changing me?"

A special shout out to Ronnie. Thank you for your vote of confidence. It is much appreciated. I'm only sorry that I noticed the comment today, and not when you posted it.

That brings me to another important point. If you are reading, and would like to comment, please do so. I encourage comments from you people. Tell me how YOU'RE doing with your successes. I'm not a total glory hog. I know of at least 10 people who read this thing on a quasi-regular basis. So.....Post how much you've lost or something healthy you're doing for yourself. I love getting IM's from you guys, but really, post your stuff too, you bad-ass-mother-effers. Tell me what works; what doesn't. Tell me you think I'm fabulous and you're proud of me for being so honest about my ups and downs and my accomplishments (23 down, 22 to go suckaaaaaa!) I don't care, really. Just leave a friggin' comment so I feel like an internet celebrity!!! OK?! Ok. Good. Now that it's settled.

I wonder if I'm going to have 6-pack abs when I lose all of my weight? Like seriously, I spent some time thinking about what my body will look like after having lost almost 50 pounds. Am I going to have a ton of loose flesh/skin hanging off of me? Is all of my effort with the weights, cardio and Pilates going to keep me firm? So far, so good but I do think about these things.

My body is changing in some weird ways. I've been losing huge clumps of hair because I don't have enough fat in my diet. Every time I take a shower, there's a mess in the drain... of my precious hair! WW says to have healthy oils in your diet, and I've done that for the past few days and noticed a little difference. Not as much falling out.

Tonight, I was out for a drink or 3 with two of my friends and I actually saw some people I used to be friendly with in college. One of them asked if I had lost anymore weight since I saw him last, because I looked great. Then we joked about how I weigh less than him now, which was funny, because in college I didn't. Really, it was funny.

Are you laughing yet?

Jillian is an emotional eater!

The last two weeks, I've been writing down my feelings when I track what I eat. I complained today to my leader at the meeting, because I thought it was making me eat more. She turned it around on me and brought it to my attention that eating when you're happy is still emotional eating and it's important to recognize this. If you don't see your patterns, you can't change them for the better. It made me slightly uncomfortable to admit that I eat out of emotions, because I don't think happiness should count as one. But it does. Juts because it's a good feeling, doesn't mean it doesn't count as a feeling or an excuse to unconsciously eat everything in sight.

So I'm sharing with you, that yes, I'm an emotional eater. Now, I'm going to fix it so that I do other stuff besides eat. Like, get a G-d damned part-time job. Keeping busy will keep me skinny. Liking that idea. Thanks Tito.

In other news, I bought burgundy colored hair dye and will do that this afternoon. Hopefully this will satisfy the change factor I'm looking for in a good, cheap way. I can't get an animal, I've been talked out of getting another tattoo for the time being and well, only time will get me through graduate school. So new hair it is. Wish me luck!
View from the top!

I haven't recieved pictures of my Friday evening yet, so instead I made a little BMI (body mass index) thing on Microsoft paint to get a little color on here. I'm a giant loser. I am totally OK with that.

According to the BMI thingie on Weight Watchers, I'm still overweight. My current BMI is a 28, which falls into the overweight range of 25-30. But it SURE AS HECK beats being in the 30+ range which is OBESE (If you can see it on my little chart in red) I've successfully added 8 years to my lifespan by lowering my BMI.

And before I forget, I lost a pound this week. Hahahahah. I couldn't believe it, but it happened. I was surprised and asked the receptionist if the scale was correct. This week I will be extra good and regain my composure.

Arms: 11"
Legs: 22"
Waist: 33"
Hips: 38"
Current Weight: 170.8

Cumulative Stats: 23 lost total/13 inches gone from body
Goals: 22 to 148
This week I resolve to: Add 5 minutes on to each workout. That means, when I start to feel tired and want to be done exercising, I will push for at least 5 more minutes.

oops

So this was a tough week.

A staff retreat for work on Wednesday proved to be a little more challenging than I thought it would be. Let's just say that taco dip is delicious and I liked it. Too much. After night class, I came home and did Pilates at 10 pm, because I felt so guilty.

Thursday, I ate everything in sight... again. I ran my first successful parenting group session (on my own!) and celebrated with 2 helpings of the most awesomest lasagna in the world, from a place called Ragonese's. Seriously, it was heavenly. I also ate meatballs, stuffed shells and visited my friend Michelle afterwards and had 2 glasses of white wine, hummus and garlic pita chips. Really mad at myself.

Yesterday morning, I woke up early to do the other Pilates tape I have and my day was going well until...happy hour. By the end of happy hour(s), I had accomplished quite a bit. Took pictures with a trans gendered he/she who wanted to borrow my shoes, competed for funniest person on the patio with a 70 yr old man, asked for a job waitressing at one bar, managed to get a bartender to charge me $5 for an $8 drink, and split 2 slices of pizza with my new friend Alex. I didn't want the pizza, but my friends thought it was a good idea. I ended up spending a lot of money that I shouldn't have spent. Pictures to follow, once Sally sends them to me.

I will not be surprised (neither should you) that I have gained at least a pound, maybe two, this week. Craving nicotine has increased my appetite. Being happy has increased it two-fold. I got a little cocky. I'm also really bored. I want a new tattoo, I want to get an animal (cat or a dog) and I can't because Jeff is allergic. I'd love to color my hair something fun, like get highlights? I want to do something new at work, I want to be done with school. It's always about what's next with me. I should learn to enjoy what's here. That's why I've been diagnosed as a destination addict by Oprah/Tito. It frustrates me to stay in one place.

HUGE news

OK, actually quite the opposite.

This morning, I attempted to put on a pair of size 10 pants.

And they fit.

Old Navy, size 10, white, gaucho-capri style, NOT stretch, low-rise pants.

I'm hoping the rest of my day goes this well :-)

the down side to downsizing?!

Saturday night/Sunday morning, after a night out at my usual watering holes, I came home frustrated. If you stalk my myspace blog, I wrote an angsty entry about how I don't like guys who aren't my boyfriend touching me. I also wrote about the irony of men telling me I'm angry all of the time. My apologies for being redundant.

Yesterday, while I spent the day laying on the couch in complete and utter worthlessness, I had a moment of clarity. I'm thinking I was so pissy because I was uncomfortable. Instead of being pleased by this, which is what I *thought* I would feel, I was confused by it.

(Mel & I somewhere on Lark Street, although I'm not positive which bar it was at.)

There was one instance in particular made me lose my cool. My friend Melody and I were playing pool with two guys. The one who was trying to "get with" me, kept touching my stomach like he owned me.

Read: I HATE THAT.

Don't touch my stomach. Don't touch me. Don't demean my intelligence and treat me like some idiot girl. I guess this is the down side to downsizing. If I ever see him out again, I'm going to punch him in the head. Needless to say, I walked away from him. I don't think he liked it very much. I don't think I care. As I type this, I get angrier thinking about it. Like fuming.

Most likely it's that I'm just sad because I really want something warm and chocolate or that pasta dish I keep seeing on commercials for Olive Garden. But the point is, as much as I love feeling good about myself, and looking better, I am not flattered by the men I've been meeting lately. It doesn't make me feel special when a guy treats me like I'm supposed to be happy he's paying attention to me. I may not be a beauty queen, I may not be a stick figure but I have something that a lot of girls don't. Good self-esteem.

Also-I have officially gained a pound back. While I was slightly disappointed, I didn't stay that way for long. I exercised 4 x's last week. I wrote down everything I ate, and everything I felt in my new food journal. Unfortunately, this is a PMS week. Like when I gained 3 lbs in Jacksonville, match up hot weather/salty food/booze on a Saturday night and water retention and there you have it. I know this pound will come off by next Monday, I'm not worried. This is a cycle I will have to notice and take extra care to work on.

Today I went food shopping and purchased the spray-on salad dressing. I have to say, it's pretty tasty. In addition to this, I bought some 100-calorie snack packs and new juice mixes to keep my water-drinking fun and exciting. I also brought a butt-load of fresh veggies and lean meats and spent well over $100. I cringe when I go grocery shopping. For serious. I had avoided a big shopping trip for a long time and I paid dearly for it. AS a helpful tip, I wrote down what I wanted to buy and didn't stray from the list, even though I wanted to buy sourdough pretzels something fierce.


Arms: 11"
Legs: 22" * WHY AM I NOT LOSING INCHES ANYMORE!??!
Waist: 33"
Hips: 38"
Current Weight: 171.6

Cumulative Stats: 22 lost total/13 inches gone from body
Goals: 23 to 148
This week I resolve to: Keep drinking water. Keep tracking. Keep up the good work!

Thank you to my Tito for finding this one on Post-Secret and sending it to me.

on relapse, recovery & frustration

I'm proud to say that I've officially quit smoking (for the 3rd time) for 6 days, cold turkey, no cheating. I had started back up again, during what I will nicely refer to "THE MONTH FROM HELL" a.k.a. April and I'm done, for good this time. I know this, because I'm doing it smarter this time. Every morning, I smoked as I drank my coffee while I drove to work. I completely cut that trigger out and now I get my coffee at work. Every time this week, when I felt like smoking, I thought about how gross it smelled, how nasty of a habit it was, how I would get wrinkly and yellow and not be able to exercise as much. I also thought about how I would lose my sense of smell and taste. And that would interfere with eating. And that, my friends, is no bueno.

As a counselor, I know that part of recovery is relapse. So I'm not mad at myself for starting back up when I did. I used it as a crutch, to help calm myself because I was going through a really hard time. I can admit this. But the hard times are over and except for a little bump here and there, life is pretty decent for me at the moment. Time to buck up and quit for good. Which I plan on doing.

I relate the whole relapse/recovery cycle to weight loss. Last year, I lost a lot of weight. Then I relapsed and gained it back. Now I'm losing again (so happy now!) and I'm liking these positive changes I'm making. I like me. And that's good.

This week was "bumpy." Stress at work, finding out that I can't take my second summer class due to lack of funds and that my job isn't reimbursing me 100%, losing my ATM card and overall exhaustion from not being able to sleep anymore has taken its toll on me. Plus I'm not smoking. Nicotine is almost withdrawn from my system, but I still feel a little out of sorts. I think about the positives of these stressors. Now I can get that second job I've been talking about, I'm getting a new ATM card in the mail, the work week is basically over for me and...well I won't get a full night's sleep until something gets done with my cyst.

I responded to excess stress this afternoon by doing my Pilates DVD in my underoos. I so CANNOT wait until I look like Pilates ladies on my DVD.

* * * * * * * *

fatty got FIT....so now what?!?!

Right now, in my possession, I have a bronze key chain symbolizing the fact that I reached my 10 % goal at Weight Watchers! This also means that I hit the original goal I set out to attain when I started this blog. As I type, I currently weigh:

170.4 pounds

Strangely, I am really emotional about it. More so than last time. Like teary eyed, feeling overwhelmed happy. There is one person in particular that I'd like to call up at this moment and share this awesome news with. I used to text him during every meeting to say how much I had lost that week. And I'd usually get such a positive response. Now, I text Tito (though I forgot today) because she has been one of the most supportive and consistent people as I lose. I also IM Amy when I get back from the meeting, because she's lost the weight the same way I'm doing it and she encourages me to keep going.

These Weight Watchers meetings really help me, as hokey as they may be to other people. At today's meeting, everyone clapped for me. And rightfully so, I'm fabulous. I raised my hand to share that I hit my 10% and I got my key chain and it felt soooo damn good. After the meeting, I stayed and set my lifetime goal weight. When I'm done, I will be 148 pounds. So basically, it's another 10% goal. My leader made me feel so great, telling me that the 22 pounds would be easy to accomplish and she's so proud of how far I've come. I also bought a 3-month journal for like $6 afterwards. It's a fun new way to track my eating, weight and measurements in a book. Now that I'm at 10% lighter, I'm going to take it even more seriously.

I've also made a colorful chart hanging up on my wall, near my desk. It has the weights: 190, 180, 170, 160, 150 and 148 and a line under each for when I reach that weight. Funny, I just looked at it and on 12/4/06 I was 190 lbs.

Arms: 11"
Legs: 22"
Waist: 33"
Hips: 38"
Current Weight: 170.4

Cumulative Stats: 23 lost total/13 inches gone from body
Goals: 22 to 148
This week I resolve to: get back on track with writing down my fo
od points, I lost focus this week, even though I ended up being successful!

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UPDATED 6/5/07:
This weekend was fun. We went to Houlihan's at the Crossgates for dinner on Friday and I ate.... a salmon salad thingie. HOW BORING?!?! Above is a picture of me sampling 3 mini Margaritas. We saw "Knocked Up" and it made me want to have a baby. Then I stopped wanting to have a baby. Because, that's creepy.


Saturday night we went out to Lark Street, butI didn't feel so hot, so I only had 2 drinks over the course of 3-4 hours. I also ate the "crackcorn" popcorn there, but only because I was tempted by an old friend from college who actually held the basket for us, in the middle of the bar.

Here are some pics of 5/24/07 with my co-workers, Michelle & Kristen. We were celebrating my new official status as "PARENT EDUCATOR"

I really have to learn how to post pics better :)