easier said, than done.

In professional news, I have just scheduled my exam for my LMHC (licensed mental health counselor) which will be happening on 9/18/09. Please, pray for me to pass.

In health related news, I have still been struggling but still trying. I *actually* asked for help this week at work. At the hospital, we have a nutritionist and an activities counselor who also does fitness modeling or something. I talked with both of them and I felt weird but ultimately OK with asking for help from people who know me. They gave good feedback.

The receptionist at Weight Watchers said I should talk with my doctor about getting my goal weight adjusted. If my doc deems it appropriate, I would not have to be 150 lbs in order to achieve lifetime. The dilemma is this: I know I can maintain around 160 when I get there. I did it. Am I cheating myself in the end and giving up? Am I really ready for lifetime/chance to be a Leader?

In the body image, self esteem department I feel defeated. I feel like I look like a beluga whale and my clothes are getting too tight. I am contemplating switching WW days and attending the meetings with the leader I like, who I did well with awhile back. I am also contemplating Medifast

Being proactive for things that DON'T come naturally is harder than the first and second time around...

soul searchins

Time to pick myself up by my own bootstraps and ask of myself "What am I *really* hungry for?"

Yes, I've gained back 18 pounds. A reader sent me a clip of an article about weight loss motivation (if you're interested, check in the comments section of my last post) and in it was the question above.

So I asked myself, what am I really hungry about? Why am I overweight? Why have I been unable to maintain weight loss in the past? What in my life is not working? Why do I want to lose weight?

I have learned that going out with friends is a trigger for me. My friends and I tend to eat and drink when we go out. It's how we socialize. When I go out with the intention to drink, I make bad choices in eating. When I'm out to eat, I'll usually have a beer or glass of wine. Eating for me is comfort and social. I want to be able to enjoy myself, and unfortunately, that is equated with eating and drinking. I guess I would say I am hungry for companionship because I live by myself and when people want to spend time with me, it's usually to go out drinking or eating. Even at work, if someone invites me to lunch, I go. Someone brings in food, I'll eat it. When I am alone with my own food, I eat within my POINTS.

I am overweight because I continue to gain weight even despite what I consider my best efforts to lose. I end up overeating one day and it spills over into the next day. Usually because I don't have to self control to say "NO!" or to just order a salad if I do go out.

I have been unable to manage weight loss in the past because every time I do well, I get cocky. I reward myself with food. This is my cycle. I do well and I fuck it all up. Maybe I am scared to be attractive to others? Not that I am *THAT* heavy now. I am still down 20 pounds from when I had initially tried to lose weight. I may honestly be scared to maintain the weight because that used to require more work then losing it. Now the losing is hard too, because I've gone up and down again. And again.

What in my life is not working? This question may require deeper digging. I am actually doing well, I think. I have a job, a supportive boyfriend, great friends, my own apartment and car and all of that outside stuff. My job is very stressful, but I don't know how that contributes to my eating. I don't eat at the cafeteria anymore, which was a very good decision. I think my "NO!" button is broken and I am still equating fun with food.

I would like to lose weight to be healthy and avoid all of the issues that run in my family. I would like to lose weight to look good. I would like to lose weight to have a strong baby vessel when the time comes for me to procreate. I want to lose for good reasons.

Thank you, Kris, for giving me this idea.

disgusted

I have officially gained back 18 pounds since last July.

I don't have anything nice/positive to say about this, or myself or anything right now.

a new/old vice

3 words, 4 syllables.
Laughing Cow Cheese.
The light version.
I dumped it into my whole wheat pasta, frozen veggie, seafood toss up and it felt....indulgent.
I cannot believe how guilty I felt eating something that in actuality cost me about 9 POINTS!

MMmmMmMmmm MmMmm gooooos.

In other news, Adam & I are celebrating our 2 year anniversary this weekend and he is taking me to Boston, MA to visit the famous Aquarium. He rented a hotel and everything! I am going to try my best to behave food wise this weekend!

(I will count walking around as my exercise.)

anything after BUT....

I meant to stop by sooner. Anything after BUT is usually B.S.

I spent $345 on a letter accepting me for a $200 exam however I am officially accepted to take the NBCC (National Board of Certified Counselors) test once I am ready. Whoooohooo??

I did Wendie Plan-esque type eating this past week. I was starting to feel less bloated and more happy by the weekend. Then we went to a wedding and a reception and a party and I do not feel as light or free. Numbers on a scale are not a measure of who I am. I have to learn to get this thing right. Eating healthy and treating myself well are priority. I am going to go for a quick jog/walk this evening, just to say I did. That will be 4 stars this week, with Wedsm Thurs & Sat being off from exercise days.

On Friday, I approached the happy looking trainer at the gym to see his rates/get a feel for his personality. He is a 52 yr old African American man who smiles while he murderizes his clients, laughs with them and looks like he really enjoys it. I am still weighing my options.

whoa whoa whoa

I start by saying how abso-friggin-lutely *THRILLED* I am with all of the great insight you readers gave me from my last post. I respect your opinions and I'm glad I have a sounding board to get feedback. As I type, I am trying to muster up the energy to go outside and enjoy the last of today's sunshine with a brisk run/walk. I am seriously considering a go at a fitness class at my gym. That would mean I'd actually have to go to said gym and look up the schedule. But I digress...

Today I went grocery shopping. I love grocery shopping. Almost as much as shoes shopping. I dabbled in the healthy foods section and I did halfway decent. HOWEVER, I must remind myself of this mantra:

~*GOOD FOOD ISN'T CHEAP
and
CHEAP FOOD ISN'T GOOD*~

Holy !#$^@# MONEYBALLS! I can't believe how much I spent. I have been buying the same old foods for over two years because they are safe. I know how many WW POINTS! are in them and I know how to cook them and ALL THAT JAAZZ. But it's not working anymore.

I am taking my own G-ddarn advice starting....now! Optimal health is NOT just about looking good in a bathing suit. It's about feeling good inside of myself. Blah blah blah. I am seeing how old patterns and being comfortable became a chore, and now I need to stop worrying about how much I weigh and focus on how I feel. I eat the same things over and over again and I don't exercise as hard as I could.

The tools I gained initially during my several stints at weight loss taught me a lot. However, I must continue evolving as a weight losing, healthy beast of a woman and continue challenging myself. At 193 lbs, eating a vegetable and walking around the block helped me shed a few pounds. Now my body is used to being more active and being fed better foods. So I think I have to switch it up and stop just getting by with my health & fitness routine.

please contribute to my ego below, k'thanks.

ahhh.... push it!?!?

INSIGHTFUL FACTOID: I don't *push* myself as hard as I could/would/should at the gym.

I mainly do exercise for the movement factor. Bare minimum. I feel better when I move and then get to make stars on my calendar. I exercised with my friend K who used to be a female body builder last week and she basically kicked my ass. Technically I am "smaller" than her but she is in far better shape than I am. K had me running up and down steps, running when I didn't want to and cursing at her. It was the hardest I had worked out in a long time...

Mayhaps my ability to get to the next level of fitness is hindering me from losing the last of this weight???

But I am soooo tired after work that I want to move to say I did it! And I can't wake up in the morning to exercise because I am tired then too.

Which brings me to my next thingie. K worked me out, and although I was slightly embarrassed by my huffing, puffing and passing occasional gas during the run, I was OK. I am terrified to get a personal trainer! I don't want a stranger to see me struggle.