GO AWAY!

This afternoon I am throwing myself a "Go Away" Party for my co-workers and myself. This will celebrate my resignation, since I've been getting the silent treatment from my supervisor. Like seriously. I have to remember that more people are happy for me being successful than angry at me for moving on. We will be at a nice bar called Appletini's and hopefully there will be lots of pictures for me to post ASAP. I will probably eat some goshdarned mozzarella sticks.

This week, A LOT of people told me it looked like I had lost weight. Work mom, some of my clients, some of their mothers and one of my classmates all said it looked like I had slimmed down a bit this week. Of course I said thank you, but I didn't see it. I replied that I had gained 3-4 pounds in the last 2 weeks.

Welp, my slump is over. This week I brought sexy back. Err, I mean, I lost 1.6 lbs. I'm back down to an even and honest 166. I feel better for working hard this week and not losing myself.

What feels even greater? When I texted Adam this morning to tell him I lost weight this week, he wrote back "I could tell."

1 year in review

Can you believe I've been at this for a whole YEAR?!?!

I personally cannot believe that on 11/26/06, I started a blog about being fat and wanting to lose some weight.

On the first weigh-in/measure I was:
Arms: 12"
Legs: 24"
Waist: 38"
Hips: 42"
Weight: 193 pounds

As of my last weigh in/measurements I am:
Arms: 11"
Legs: 21"
Waist: 32"
Hips: 38"
Weight: 167 (but I was down to 163 for a week, in my own defense)

Overall, I have officially lost 27 (30 damnit!) lbs and 14 inches all over my body. Wow.

* * * * * * * * * *

I have to admit that the last few weeks have been rough on my weight loss journey. I've been losing track of what I actually put into my mouth, eating bad stuff, letting my boyfriend take me out to dinner too much and not exercising NEARLY enough. Truth be told, I've been under a ton of stress with all of my school work. Plus, I ate like a slob at Thanksgiving and the rest of the weekend.

However, this will all change in the next few weeks. On December 10, I start my new position at my new job, that is over at 4:30 PM everyday and has a gym that I can use for free.

In addition to this more freed up schedule? I will be done with my semester on December 12th. I will be so bored, that there will be nothing to do but work out... or eat? Crap.

Another funny thought-- I weigh as much as I did when I met Adam in July. He brought this up last night when I commented on how fat and bloated I felt. Amazing how I felt so sexy and confident at this weight in July, compared to feeling like a cow at the same weight in November. Good thing I worked out and lifted weights today and yesterday.

I've just got to stick it out for a little while longer, get back on track and try a little harder this week. I KNOW I am capable. I just want to lose this weight already.

the pizza cure

Right now I am drowning my sorrows in pizza. I just ate a chicken marsala slice and am currently indulging in a spinach roll (seriously, so much spinach in this thing) with marinara on the side. (Ok, not terribly unhealthy, but still) This is the first time in a long time (if at all) where I am eating on purpose because of my feelings. Usually, when I'm down, I starve myself to near to death. Right now I am filling a hole. And getting fatter (to add to today's crappy mood, I gained ANOTHER pound back) *(gross?!)

Today, I gave my 2.5 weeks notice at my job. Instead of feeling awesome, I feel downright lousy. I SHOULD be celebrating. I SHOULD be jumping up and down for joy, but I feel icky and guilty and then foolish for feeling icky and guilty.

This new job appears to be a better gig overall. My main reason for taking the position is that there is more room for advancement at the new place. Add a significantly larger salary, use of a company car instead of my own, a free gym membership and an 8-4:30 five-days-a-week-no-matter-what work day and it's pretty clear that I've made the right choice. I love my current (soon to be former) agency. I like my co-workers (most of them) and I love, love, love my kids. But the time is right to move on. The pros outweigh the cons.

Well, now I'm packing up my stuff and heading down south to mama's house in a little while. It will be nice to eat food and see my best friends from home. I will do my best to behave tomorrow. But my bestfriend's mom makes an amazing T-day meal that I probably won't be able to resist.

holiDAY not holiWEEK...crap

Look at today's title. It will serve as a reminder to me NOT to ruin an entire week after overeating at a wedding. Or a holiday meal. Or just a party where food is served. One day turned into a whole week, which might have turned into a whole month, year, etc and I can't have that. I've worked too hard.

Needless to say, I gained 2.4 pounds back this week. Making my 163 a joke and frustrating the hell out of me. I might also add (sorry to gross you out) that I haven't pooped in a few days, and that also adds weight on the scale. I hate to say it, but the difference between getting on a scale before and after you pee is noticeable. Pooping can only make your number lower. I am NOT holding myself unaccountable; I ate a lot this week and didn't write anything down. But I'm sure if I took a dump I might have only been up 1.5 pounds instead of 2.4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a positive note:
I went to my meeting this morning, and stopped at my complexes gym to lift weights and work out some anger (a pound of muscles = a pound of fat) because I needed to.
Working out in the morning has been a good thing. When I get home at night, I'm usually tired and hungry and now that the weather is getting cold, the last thing I want to do is walk over to the gym. Waking up in the a.m. and doing one of my DVD's is helping me get exercise out of the way for the day. SO that's a positive.

wedding weekend!

Below are some pictures of my best friend's sister Adrienne's wedding. (If you wanna stalk more pics, go to my picture link or stalk crackpace)



I do not recognize myself in the first one. I look like a different person. Average sized and dark haired. My boyfriend is a lucky man.

So...how did I celebrate my 30 pound mark? I ate, and drank, and ate until I literally puked because there was so much food and alcohol in my stomach. Yum.

I've been eating a ton all weekend, and making terrible choices. Way to sabotage weight loss, Jillian. Good work. I hope there is not too much damage on the scale Friday morning.

i did it! i did it!

Let's start by acknowledging that at the beginning of this week, I was a hot mess (and that I have a wonderful boyfriend and friends who are very supportive).

Let's also state that anxiety and stress burns muchos calories.

AND THEN LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW I LOST 1.2 POUNDS THIS WEEK AND NOW I WEIGH:

163.8 lbs

AND THAT I HAVE OFFICIALLY LOST 30 POUNDS!!!

(and beat my 164 slump, making me the smallest I have been since high school)

30 gone

15 to go

3.8 left in the 160's

Next week: my measurements & pictures from Adrienne's wedding!

is it me....

Or do I look like a sausage squeezed into this outfit???



The good part: I DON'T look like this anymore
The bad part: I thought I looked good when I had initially taken this picture back in my Junior year of college.

Well, shit.

weight loss: a thought piece

WARNING: This is long, and this is whiny. Read it or don't.

Even though I lost 1.8 pounds this week, I am still discouraged by losing weight in general. I still wish I weighed under 160 by now, instead of 164 being the lowest...EVER.

It's really amazing how unconsciously, without your knowledge, you basically CAN control what you weigh to some extent. I could follow my points to the exact amount, but then, I don't know if I would ever want to miss some of the yummy food I've been around. That being said, it is also true that your body does what it wants and even when you think you're having a good week, you can gain or when you think you've been a total fat ass, you can lose.

Yesterday, I stayed late after the meeting and talked with Chris (the leader) about needing some help getting below 160. She asked me what I was afraid of. I said I wasn't necessarily scared of anything, but I brought up the fact that 164 lbs. is where I "choked" last time and ended up gaining all of the weight back + 3. We also talked about how the last pounds are the hardest to shed.

I also talked about feeling anxious. I am worried all of the time about money, school work, stress from my job, my living situation and maybe...just maybe I am sabotaging my own weight loss? Am I terribly afraid of losing the weight, because I hid behind my chubby girl persona for so long (since skinny girls obviously can't be funny like a chubber can)?! Am I scared that it will be even harder to stay thinner once I get there? Is my eating really the one thing I feel that I have control over, and when everything is out of wack, I can maintain this weight and be comfortable? Can I really afford a brand new wardrobe of smaller clothing?!? Or do I just eat too many cookies and not do enough sit-ups?

Phew. Glad I got all of that depressing crap out of the way.

Anywho, I lost 1.8 pounds (165 lbs) and filled back up with a steak chimichangas and 4 glasses of white sangria last night. Today and tomorrow I will be writing papers until my hands fall off.

In closing, I think if our lives were boring and routine, it would be much much easier to lose weight and keep it off. But life is awful and wonderful and full of surprises....

...And by surprises, I mean chocolate chip cookies.