today is THE day

last night, i breathed a sigh of relief when i handed back the keys to the d-bag loser from my old apartment.

then i went out to dinner with my friends and ate and drank and celebrated the feeling of relief. i even had a big fat slice of cheesecake with caramel and fudge and ohhhhh yeaaahhhhh.

but i found my sneakers in a box of random things strewn around my apartment.

and I am GOING to the gym today after work. even if it hurts and i will be sore for the next few days while i reconnect with my old friends "muscle" and "cardiovascular"

wish me luck. i have been chain smoking like a fiend and my body is a mush ball.

it's too easy just to fall apart

It's been awhile.
I still haven't been to the gym, eaten healthy or got out of my funk. Saturday morning I lost control of my car and hit a mail box in the snow. I have been moving out the very last items in to the new place (which I am loving, by the way) and have been doing so after class at like 10 PM because I don't want anyone to see me. Tomorrow I have to clean up and get the last last stuff I have there. The keys get returned to the old apartment on Friday.

I am GOING to the gym on Saturday.

Today at internship, one of the other staff there made a statement that gave me a lightbulb moment. He (an avid runner and in his early 50's is in better shape than people half his age) stated that if he doesn't get to run, he goes crazy.

I thought to myself, as I ate my lunch, that perhaps I am going crazy because I haven't exercised in almost a month. Maybe that is why I feel so keyed up, on edge and have out of control leg shakey syndrome? Or why I have fatigue, loss of energy and an overall negative mood?

I am GOING to the gym on Saturday.

No more excuses. Saturday is the day that FGF will begin to peep her head out and then brush off the dust and try again...

What is "on track"?

I am tired and out of shape. No time to work out with all of the business around moving, learning, earning and interning. I am still the health guru at work and I am still trying my darndest to stay on track. But what exactly is on track?

Everybody views their health and fitness differently. I read about all of you and I'm jealous because that area has taken a backseat as of late. I just can't get myself back into the swing of things, when I was doing really well with balancing everything and doing it with a smile.

My super heroine alter ego FGF eats within her Weight Watchers POINTS! each day, splurges when she can and goes to the gym on a regular basis. She gets enough sleep, drinks lots of water and has a weekly manicure. She is strong and beautiful and healthy. She can juggle work/school/work/internship/social life and a boyfriend. She can't exactly leap tall buildings in a single bound but she can walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath.

Jillian on the other hand is suffering today. Her nightmare apartment situation is almost over but she was referred to as "Judge Judy" in a very nasty e-mail from the old property manager when she mentioned her concern about being called a whiney tenant. She has been eating other people's cooking (read: Adam's mom) all week because she has no time or energy to fend for herself after working or interning a full day. She hasn't been to the gym since 1/2/09. Her only exercise has been moving boxes of stuff . She is feeling her midsection go soft and her thighs a little jiggly. She has started smoking Marb Lights again to ease the anxiety. She hasn't had a night of sleep without the aid of a OTC sleeping pill.

Jillian could use a serious glass of wine and a Xanax or two.

FGF is inside, screaming to be let out, lit up and unleashed. FGF is seriously hoping Jillian gets over this slump and starts taking care of business again soon.

So I guess my question for today is: how do you re-find and let out your inner super hero/ine?

excited?

OK, well you will be.

If I get my professor's permission (and yours), I am using you as a project for my class.

What class? Eating Disorders, thats what!

OK, so don't get weirded out. Wanna know why?

Because you will be used to demonstrate an ED "prevention" program. This assignment isn't due until April but my brain was working overtime in my class tonight. The professor handed us the syllabus and I literally jumped out my chair, but I didn't want anyone to steal it so I kept quiet. (If you knew me for real, you'd know that was way hard).

I am excited if I get approval how I can show an informal support network of anonymous people promoting healthy living, providing encouragement and judgment free information to each other via the blog world. Those recovering from ED, fitness gurus, comedians, aspiring writers, personal trainers, college students, mothers and fathers, males, females, international folks and even a chubber from NY who started a blog to humiliate herself into losing weight all want the same thing. To feel part of something positive.

Cross ya' fingaaas and then tell me below if you would hypothetically want in on this gig if I can get 'er done....

here we are

I am happy to report that I am doing fine and the procedure went well. The doctor didn't give me a lollipop but he did say that I did better than most women do. My boyfriend held my hand the entire time (even though he is sick as a dog). Thank you times a million for all of the support and information.

Speaking of sick, it appears that my body has resisted the cold season so far. It is a miracle I tink. I have held sniffly, boogery babies at work, my boyfriend is fighting a cold and there is a bug at the hospital I intern at and..nothing. Even though I have not exercised officially since 1/2/09, I have been eating healthy and getting tons of sleep. It appears that trying to live healthy really IS a preventative measure against sickness. Or maybe my body is telling me that getting sick now would f!@$ up my universe and has decided not to succumb to weakness?

My weight loss challenge at work has me probably winning the shoe card. Only one other girl has tracked what they ate and one bought a pair of sneakers but has yet to use them. A positive has been that the three of them have increased their water intake and reading the little newsletters I write up about being a healthy loser.

And finally, the cable man is coming today to my new place to set up service. Which means I am skipping internship and moving out what I can today to start staying at my new place. Because I have to live where there is TV and internet otherwise I throw up or die. Sunday, I will have a truck and 3 stronger than me people moving the heavy stuff I shouldn't lift (and secretly wouldn't want to)

I read a sign on a church thingie one day that said: Do not complain about what you permit. I have told you this before, but I adopt that as my personal motto. I can't complain about what I'm letting continue. I can kvetch for a few minutes and then take action.

So...my question for you today is: what have you done about something that's been bothering you lately?

long (sorry)

I am bummed out this morning... Got the keys to the new place (and found out the property manager called me "whiney" on the phone reference to my new landlord) and I was all ready to pack up and ship out. Until it was ultimately determined by my better half that the snow was too ridiculous to move furniture in. Plan B will be to move out next Sunday morning, and during this week, continue bringing over my boxes of miscellaneous until I am officially OUTTA HERE.

Now in my health realm of life, we got some other stuffs going on. We'll start with the positive. I have started a "Weight Loss Challenge" in my suite at my full time job. The winner will be 5 pounds lighter by 2/14/09 and will win a gift card for shoes! Since I am at an unfair advantage (i.e. I've lost over 30 pounds and I know more about healthy eating/portion sizes/exercise) I have been making little motivational/information papers for them. Week 1 is entitled "Write it before you bite it" and I am teaching the girls about self monitoring what they eat. Week 2 is about moving for at least 20 minutes a day to get into the swing of exercise. Stuff I know already (and that I've learned from stalking all of you) is helping me to spread the word about healthy living as a choice and not as torture. Even if I don't "win" I feel pretty awesome being the health guru of the suite.

And now the bad news. Something that affects ALL women. Something I feel very strongly about, especially as I educate my teen clients about sex, birth control and protection. Something pretty personal, that I hope someone out there learns about and protects themselves. This is getting long...

Tomorrow afternoon, I have to have a LEEP procedure done. Despite my best efforts and even getting the vaccine for HPV (which hurt like a mofo), I have fallen prey to pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. This is not something I am proud of, in fact, it makes me feel pretty awful. People do not realize what epidemic proportions this is, because they down play out there. I believe the stats are on the rise and most women will have at least one abnormal pap in their lives. I am sharing this as a cautionary tale. And because I am scared out of my mind for this procedure and the fact that on top of this worry, I have school starting this week, work and internship, plus a giant move out of this nightmare.

weight watchers was closed tonight due to inclement weather
i am eating the pizza i ordered before i knew that and drove all the way up there

at least pizza is goood

I did not eat pepperoni pizza.

Tomorrow begins internship, and eventually my final semester of graduate studies. Next Monday is when classes start. Argh. argh. a r g h.

I went to the gym on Friday but I have been less than motivated to return this week. So I only get 1 sticker. But I was good this week as far as eating is concerned! I went to do a DVD when I got home from work, but they're packed somewhere and I don't feel like looking. So I will lay on the couch. I am really thinking that my feelings of anxiety and being overwhelmed are causing my body's desire to move to shut down and conserve energy? Anybody think that sounds like a good excuse?

In my own defense, I also took a nasty fall in the ice outside of my nightmare Saturday and I have a big bruise on my knee. And my knee kind of hurts. So I probably shouldn't use it.

But...
Blah. 9 pounds away from lifetime goal and 2 years later.

What's a girl to do?

relieeeeeef!?!

The apartment nightmare looks to be OVER within the next week.
Here are pics of my new place:

Can I tell you a secret? I am so excited to move into a nice, clean, warm and not shitholey apartment. The heater is still temperamental (as in, IT decides when to work and when not to), there are no more shit explosions but now the plumbing is going haywire. The house manager is a scum bag and my landlord is a bastard.

I have called to set up cable and electricity in the new apartment and I am hoping to be all out of here by next Sunday.

That being said, there is still a lot about to happen aside from moving. I start back at internship this week. Next week begins classes. Plus I'm continuing at my per diem job. I am almost happy to get back into my grind but I will feel even better when I'm outta here.

I have been an insomniac as of late, with all of this planning and worrying. My anxiety is peaking! My heart is racing, my mind runs faster than you skinny racers out there and I just want to eat a pepperoni pizza right now. I am still not sure when I became an emotional eater. But I would love nothing more than hot cheesy pepperoni crusty in my tum tum.

I will not succumb. Instead I will eat a huge salad, and maybe a make a hot roast beef and swiss wrap thingie to soothe my cravings for meat and cheese. Perhaps I will go to the gym and get a sticker but I might just stay home and pack (for at least 20 mins and I get a sticker)

This is long, I know. But no one answered their phones on my way home and I needed to get stuff out...