corrective action plan....take 1

By the grace of G-d, or some other higher power, I magically lost 1.8 this week and currently top out at 157.6 lbs.

Before I count my blessings, all onehundredfiftyseven of them, I hereby declare that I have a corrective action plan listy in place to avoid another upswing. And here goes:

1. Do not put everyting me see in me mouf, eh?
   
2. I will attempt to lose 5 pounds by the end of this semester (i.e. I am hoping to weigh 152 by 12/12/08)
3. Think BEFORE I eat...Check in with my feelings? am I really hungry? am I bored? am I tired? am I trying to fill an imaginary hole with food?
4. Congratulate myself for NOT eating something, even when I want it (I forgot where I read this but I think it's a good idea)
5. DO NOT STRAY! (This is mental notey to myself. I always bring enough food for my day in my lunch box. A lunch and two small snacks. Always. And when I stray from that is when I get into trouble...food trouble)
6. Plan ahead. Anticipate hiccups (free food or alcohol)
7. Exercise *but don't beat myself up by eating* if I can't make it to the gym. I have several DVD's in my arsenal. I can do 20 minutes of one and get a sticker.
   
8. Ah yes, along with #2, remember to take each day at a time. Small goals work better for me.
   
9. Remind myself very often that no matter what I am still hotter now, at 24, than I was in high school and college.
   
10. Food is for eating. Food is for nourishment. Food is stupid. "NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS BEING SKINNY FEELS."

Time to make potato knishes for my supervisor and the other case managers at internship. And do my bikini body DVD. And maybe get some sleep in there before tomorrow.

madness

I keep on telling my boyfriend that I'm gaining weight on purpose because being fat is warmer in the winter than being skinny is.

But I'm lying.

The ugly and flubbery truth is this: I know I should be eating better and not putting everything I see into my mouth. I know this because I've lost almost a 3rd grader in pounds. I know this because I can whip up quick and healthy meals and control my portions. Lately, I just. can't. help. myself. I am eating and eating and then weirding myself out about it. I deserve a "vacation" from restriction. I have done so well for so long. Eating keeps me awake and energized to face this ridiculous schedule I have.

After a rough week (probably 2-3 since we're REALLY being honest) I am ready to admit I have a "problem."

Food is my drug and I am relapsing.

my best friend had a baby

This was my yesterday evening. My best friend, her husband, baby, sister (+two friends) and birthday girl mother went to the Cheesecake Factory with Adam and myself for din-din. Because I couldn't actually "eat" Evelyn, I decided it would be in my best interest to eat everything in front of me. Including my BANG BANG Chicken & Shrimp, which gave me horrendous gas for the rest of the evening and the most revolting smelling burps you could imagine.

In other news, I failed this week, again. I didn't follow my POINTS, I overate and I barely had time for the gym. Speaking of which, I have an off tangent rant. While I know that it is good to go to the gym and work out, and I feel some "gym guilt" when I don't go if I have extra time, I have decided that I cannot live at my gym. It's just not for me. There is this one girl, with an amazing body, who literally lives at the gym. I admire her body, but I'd personally have a little jiggle here and there and not miss out on some outside life things.

baby it's cold outside...

I skipped class to write a paper for Thursday night. And go grocery shopping.

I still love grocery shopping. I get super excited going up and down the aisles planning out meals. I made it about 2.5 weeks before I went again for a big trip. I ALWAYS wish I had more money to spend and more POINTS to eat. I find new foods that I didn't know existed. Weight Watchers now makes 1 POINT chocolate cookies and I think I died and went to heaven. That's what I'll eat for dessert with a glass of skim milks.

I made a delicious dinner of pico de gallo and fresh spinach sauteed with shrimp over ISRAELI Couscous (which is serious and seriously yummy) and some real 50% less fat bacon bits.

My Sunday was spent helping Adam carry wood he cut down and stack the logs. Big heavy logs. Uphill. Woot woot. My biceps (I have them, didn't you know?) are still a little tender, if you will.

I gained .4 this week. I may have figured out what has caused the recent uppages over the last month. A few weeks ago, I bought a travel coffee mug. This now meant I could drink coffee to go and not just at home. Because I still liked my routine of coffee during breakfast, I have nearly doubled my coffee consumption each day. Double coffee = double coffee mate = POINTS I wasn't counting. This week, I will actually count a POINT for my precious coffee and see how I fare. It's one less thing to eat but I need my coffee fix, especially since I quit the cigarettes.

Thank you and goodnight.

a-friggin-men

Life is funny.

Just when I think I've got it good, and admit it, I consequently cause my OWN drama. Today, I knew I was going to be OK when I stopped myself. I am seriously wondering if I should talk to a doctor about having PMDD.

Not so much POINTS counting this week, but I've been watching what I eat and being smart. I will weigh in this Tuesday to see how I've done. This will gauge whether or not I need to mix things up or keep things up.

Going out tonight. To a bar to meet up with my friend who moved out of town but is back for a one night only. Last night I went to a Japanese Hibachi Steakhouse and ate all my din-din plus some fried ice cream. Mmmm mMMmMm nom nom whatever noise you make when something is great. I spent $54 on the whole meal: miso soup, salad, veggies, fried rice, shrimp appetizer, steak and two glasses of cold lychee sake. Then I got suckered into going to a bar and did that for a little bit.

All of this cold weather is making me a lush again?

darlin' wont you go and cut that hair

i did it! i did it! i had it cut!
i've been humming and hawing and i finally decided to go for it
i feel p r e t t y!
and....now YOU tell me about something you've done recently that is
"well thought out spontaneity"

yummy in pictures

eggplant, onion, zucchini, mushroom, tomato, red pepper
buffalo chicken sausage
Muenster cheese/ hummus/Joseph's oat flax something wrap
finished product

leftovas for lunch tomorrow



no other words needed.

except, thanks for the photo idear TA

i'm not perfect

yeah ummm oops

So apparently, a weight loss week (WLW) beginning with McDonald's and Snickers bars isn't the way to set the tone for a positive and productive week.

I have been a piglet. No control. Drank 3 nights in the same week, which is UNHEARD of. Barely exercised*. But on a personal note, I can't complain. Things are going pretty darn snazzy with school, internship, work and socializing. My boyfriend and I are doing well. My hair is slowing down with evacuating from my head. A little give and take in life is nothing to be ashamed of. I guess I have taken a by accident vacation from dieting and exercise and I'm not really mad at myself. I just want to try for better next week and STOP PAYING FOR FRIGGIN WEIGHT WATCHERS!!!!!

*Yesterday I skipped the gym and went outside for exercise. While walking (running too!) I realized that I have officially overcome my fear of being active. Like, I've been a million times more active in the last few months than ever in my life, but I'm finally free of the weird feeling associated with it.

Did you have any NON SCALE VICTORIES this weekend?
(I guess this will be my interactive question, since it must getting boring just commenting on my ramblings)

drunk blog

i drank lots/
wine, beer, sjots
you name it
i drank it
and i ate a plate of flash fried calamari! even after a day's worth of POINTS!
i even called my boyfriend's friend's girlfriend to see if she wanted to do karaoke with me tomorrow night and she said YES! which makes me so uber happy.

i am NOT uber happy to be at work tomorrow morning at 8 am.
nonono

the doctor is in!

I was reading this tonight (YOU should read this.) (Yes YOU,especially those of you with BIG decisions and events coming up)....

[You will thank me]

Then my friend called me to say that our comprehensive exam grades were up. So I nearly threw up in my mouth and then checked my email and saw:

Jillian,

You have passed the CPCE exam. Your score was 94. Nice work.

Mike B<----- (the head of the Counseling Department at the College of Saint Rose)

"And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)"

show me your>>>>

Up .2 again.
And I pooped today.

S O M E T H I N G has got to give.
I am getting smaller. I know it. My bras are becoming embarrassingly baggy. People are commenting on me looking thinner. So why oh why oh why am I gaining .2 here and .2 there!?!?!?! Tonight, I ate McDonald's and a Snickers bar in protest. No, I don't feel better.

hot hot hot

Dearest _________,

I am supposed to be writing two assignments due tomorrow and Tuesday respectively. I worked at the preggo girl house all day, went to get a haircut (place was CLOSED early) came home, went to the gym and now I'm back. To procrastinate. On the real, yo.

I can't possibly top last post, so I won't try. I was having a moment and the moment has passed. I have been working uber hard to watch what goes in my mouth these last few days. Even still, when you think you're making a good choice, it ends up costing you tons of POINTS! and then you eat pizza with your boyfriend anyways, despite the fact. Like the Quizno's Black & Bleu salad I ordered yesterday that ended up being 15 WW POINTS. I ate the pizza, b/c I didn't want Adam to feel like a fat-ass eating by himself.
I hate that $^&*.

In other news, tomorrow begins a new week. I got to the gym yesterday & today and I've been running a little more and a little faster, challenging myself in the cardio realm. I'm noticing that I no longer have a fat roll hanging out of my size 10s. This pleases me.

Being pleased is more incentive to try harder. It's a positive cycle. I am trying to get down to goal, hopefully by January 1. DESPITE the fact that my body seems to be happy here. I am curious to see if my body will allow me to lose these last 10 pounds and be able to maintain. I have also noticed that for a LONG time, my body bounced between 160-165 and now that I've dropped below that marker, my body is enjoying 158. Ehh, perhaps my body is taking her sweet time to get adjusted to a certain weight before losing.

Ok, really. Time to write papers. Hope you had a stellar weekend.

i'm hiding

Dear You (you wonderful little muffin, you)

I gained two tenths of a pound at last night's weigh in.
.2
Probably because I didn't poop yesterday....


Today, my internship site supervisor was assisting me in working with a patient. He's 41 with a 9.5 th grade education. He mentioned something about wanting to get his GED and do something with his life BESIDES drink and use crack. My supervisor "J" made the statement that just because you have the piece of paper, doesn't mean you have brains. She called it the "Wizard of Oz-ology" and I said out loud "That's deep." And I swear to G-d I almost cried when I realized how right that movie is.

"Why, anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the earth, or slinks through slimy seas has a brain! Back where I come from we have universities - seats of great learning - where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts, and with no more brains than you have. But - they have one thing you haven't got - a diploma! Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Universita Committeeatum E Pluribus Unum, I hereby confer upon you the honorary degree of Th.D.

"As for you my fine friend, you are a victim or disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger you have no courage! You are confusing courage with wisdom. Back where I come from, we have men who are called heroes. Once a year they take their fortitude out of mothballs and parade it down the main street of the city. And they have no more courage than you have. But - they have one thing that you haven't got! A medal!! Therefore, for meritorious conduct, extraordinary valor, conspicuous bravery against wicked witches, I award you the Triple Cross. You are now a member of the Legion of Courage!

"As for you, my galvanized friend - you want a heart! You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.

Tin Man
But I - I still want one.

Back where I come from there are men who do nothing all day but good deeds. They are called phil....er.....phil...er...er....good-deed-doers and their hearts are no bigger than yours, but they have one thing you haven't got! A testimonial! Therefore, in consideration of your kindness, I take pleasure at this time in presenting you with a small token of our esteem and affection. And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others."

I didn't cry in front of the patient, but I wanted to. We (I) have the power within ourselves (myself) to change our (my) inadequacies when we (I) just give up what we (I) expect and see what's really there. Externals have nothing on what's inside of us (me).

And so, with that, I make this next comment:
Being skinnier, doesn't necessarily mean I will be happy.
I hear testimonials from some of you who are overcoming ED's. Skinny girls still have problems with life, men, money, depression, family etc. All of life's issues will not be solved in a size 6 if they can't be solved in my current size 10's (or if you want to count when I hit size 14)

When I'm so down and out sometimes, tired and cranky and sad, I must remember that I can just be the best me I can be and leave it at that. I still wish I was done with losing weight, but I feel that this WHOLE journey is actually just a life lesson in disguise.

Sincerely yours,
FGF