act your age, not your waist size!

I thought of this one myself on the ride home from the Weight Watchers meeting I almost skipped. I am 25, almost 26 years old. I should have waaaaay more energy than I do. My job is not an excuse to skip the gym!

I did OK this week. Lost .2 pounds and I'm thrilled I lost 2 weeks in a row. On a holiday week. In the cold weather. I'm thinking I'm really internalizing this lifestyle again. I've been "planning" for events or at least trying to acknowledge the obstacles that are coming up by writing them down. I also write in my new journal daily to discuss the feelings and thoughts about what's going on with me.

Christmas Day I was off from work and I ate like a champ. However, I filled up on a big salad and didn't go overboard on dessert. Christmas Eve, my mom came up and wanted me to go out to dinner. I told her to eff off and I made up some porkchops, acorn squash and asparagus which was delish. I didn't want to go out when I had good food at home! The day before Christmas Eve, I went shopping and ended up at going out for a drink or 3 and eating nachos and wings. I fudged up that day but oh well!

How are YOUR holidays going>?

conclusion?

I went out and bought a journal. It says "LEARN from yesterday. LIVE for today. HOPE for tomorrow." on the cover. This, aside from my regular journal, my food journal and my blog is to serve as my "honest about what the fuck is going on with me" journal. I have already filled about 5 pages of the little bugger with rants and raves too personal to share with you, world.

I am trying to explore as to whether or not I have an eating disorder. Or if I'm just neurotic.

As a mental health professional, I can't really diagnose myself. It's not ethical and it's not a good idea. I re-read this blog (3 yrs and counting!!!) and I see myself as this once passionate young woman who got caught up in stress and self-defeating purposes. I used to blog regularly, told the readers my weight (loss) and struggles and it used to be light-hearted and funny. I'd post pictures of what I was doing and eating. Now I write intermittently and I whine when I do it. I can try to pinpoint when getting healthy wasn't fun anymore. It lost it's luster and began to consume me, while I consumed the bad stuff.

So, in conclusion, I've come to the realization that I need to make things fun and exciting again. I need to treat this weight loss thing not like a job, but like a relationship, with myself. The last few months...OK, year, has been difficult because I choose to stay stuck. I'm jumping OFF the misery train, leaving the pity party and yadda yaddaa...

I feel better already.

Aha! moments #2

Some soul searching and some researching.

I know how to eat healthy and I know how to exercise and I know how to lose weight. These are RATIONAL STATEMENTS.

I still view myself as a chubber. Chubbers don't always eat the best they can. Chubbers don't have to or want to go to the gym everyday. Chubbers don't lose weight. I have a "fat person self image." These are MY SUBCONSCIOUS THOUGHTS.

I hold myself back because somewhere deep inside my psyche, I choose to think of myself one way because that's the way I've always thought of myself. Held back, I get frustrated and justify inactivity or succumbing to peer pressure to eat because it's what I've always done... And "if you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got."

Drumroll please? I lose weight, hover above the number and sabotage myself because if you lose something, your subconscious looks for it. I may be scared of what happens should I actually achieve my goals? Do I deserve them? What am I really afraid of, besides shedding my chubby girl image?

A candle loses nothing

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. I realize this doesn't undo 3 weeks of damage but it was a good workout. I went with the intention of only doing 25-30 minutes and instead I ran/walked almost twice that. I'm happy that I stayed longer than planned and motivated myself to work hard while I was there.

I am looking for answers on why I keep sabotaging myself. Why it's been almost 3 years and I am not where I want to be, still playing yo-yo with the scale and ultimately struggling. I am so refocusing energy on trying to eat right and get back into that gym.

no negatrons here!

OK, I got a hint last week and I tried incorporating it. Stay positive! Things could always be worse.

My result? I ate out a LOT this week with other people and didn't really exercise, even with the best of intentions. I skipped WW meeting today because I didn't feel like basing my great week on a number.

My week was busy and delicious and helpful for me. I socialized with people, instead of running straight home after work or staying in my office during the day. I quite possibly hide from these situations to avoid making nasty choices on the menu? This week, I got invited to go out to eat with people who wanted to share a meal with me. Even if it was impromtu salad bar at the supermarket. THAT felt good.

So I am still disappointed in myself for a majority of my choices, and I have a set back in my goals. But if we focus on the positive, I did make memories while I made stretch marks.

angel versus devil

After my WW meeting this morning, I went grocery shopping with a WW Buddy, who is also a colleague of mine. She's a voice of reason for me. She's lost almost 20 lbs in the last few months while I continue to bobble between 170-171. She calls me her "food sponsor, because I am there if she has a question or needs to vent. I helped her to find yummy alternatives and new foods to try and she introduced me to WASA Crackers (which are shoo frigging delicious). I would grab a food and she would say "No. You want to be 160 by 2010." IT helped me tremendously to have a voice I had to listen to, giving me a good idea. It was fun going food shopping with someone who has like minded goals.

My current chief enabler is my other colleague from work. We've been hanging out a lot lately and she is always asking me to go our to eat. I decline, but after 2 declines I usually give in at the third request. I say "Look, _____. Taking me to a restauarant is like taking a drunk to a bar or a heroin addict to the block to score some dope. Can we doing something besides eat!?"

Well yesterday, she invites me over and then drops THE bomb on me. I agree to go out and get something "light." We pull up in front of PF Changs and Cheesecake Factory (these are both at the same mall) I tell her that vehicular manslaughter isn't technically a crime. I am slightly annoyed, slightly excited and not remotely hungry at all (I ate a snack before I left home). So we go into Cheesecake Factory and I order a Luau Salad, which is delicious. But I also ate: some of the breadbasket, some of my friend's Lousiana Chicken Pasta dish and split a slice of Red Velvet Cheesecake.

Afterwards, I feel defeated. I had the choice to say NO, but I didn't. I am angry that I ate anything at all. Doubly upset that I contemplated not going to WW today so I didn't have to face the scale. I gained .8 this week. I am making it a point to get my ass at the gym and eat well every day and stop these shananigans before I stab someone.

one six nine

I have been doing well at plateauing!

My body (AND MIND!) is hovering around 170-171 for the last few weeks. By weeks, I may mean months at this point. My gym motivation has waned and people have been inviting me out for food and fun, so I feel obligated to go.

But the scale stays "stuck." My mind makes excuses for not working out and justifies the eating/drinking. And I stay within this range, which honestly is not so terrible. Except that I really WANT to lose 10 pounds and not pay Weight Watchers anymore.

I'm looking for some of your motivation to keep it moving, especially as the holidays roll around AND I'm still not smoking.