grrrrrrrr

If eating healthy was a wagon, hypothetically speaking, I would have fallen off that wagon on Monday.

If exercising was a wagon, I would still have one leg on it.

If being tired was a wagon, I'd be on the fucker with my seatbelt on.

I hope this entry makes sense. I am so tired it's almost painful to be awake. I am home to eat briefly before night class. Alls I know is that on Saturday @ 5 PM I can relax a little. Sunday my boyfriend and I are going to Six Flags New England with another couple. Hopefully I meet the weight requirements to ride the rides.

turbo carbos

Sunday night was brutal. I was feeling anxious and stressed about what I was beginning on Monday. Lately, my hair has been falling out again. I'm going to say it's stress, since I know I am getting plenty of nutritious foods and am eating a good amount of healthy fat. I've also been maintaining this weight range for awhile now.

Yesterday, however, I was craving carbohydrates. My usual cup of cereal was increased by 1/2 cup (no biggie). I had a Fiber One bar for morning snack. I ate my lunch (1 c. whole wheat pasta, 1 chicken sausage, 1/2 c. shrimp, peas, peppers, onions and two kinds of mushrooms in Alfredo sauce) and then ate 3 pizza crusts and ended up eating two slices of pizza. I had orginally declined pizza because for 3 WW POINTS more, I had more food groups covered. Then I caved because I couldn't get enough carbs into my body. Anxiety? Stress? I had NO idea that these feelings, even imagined, triggered me to eat carbohydrates.

For dinner (on my way to class) I had a sliced up cucumber and a banana. And then out for a glass of wine with my classmate.

i was told there'd be cake?

Tomorrow is DOOMSDAY. I begin work at 7 AM and stay until 6 PM. Then I stop home, eat (?) and get back on the road to get to night class at 7:15 PM until around 10 PM or so. Same again on Tuesday and Thursday.

Is it weird that I am more worried about how and when I will eat dinner than I am about being exhausted?!?!

I think I will take tomorrow night off from the gym...

went shopping today.
down to a 10 in jeans/pants (officially) as in, the 10's fit perfectly. purchased a cool pair of skinny jeans at Marshall's for 16.99!!!!
down a bra cup size too!
can't find my measuring tape to figure out the rest of me, but i'm pretty happy about these two new developments.

heeereee fatty fatty fattyy

It's 1 AM. Do you know where your fatty is?

Yeah on auto-pilot here. Worked an 8-4 socialwerkin' and a 6-12er at the preggo house. I am w i d e awake. Have been eating not-so-fab the last few days and I've been exercising late at night. I like the gym being empty. I even wore my new free sports bra tonight while elliptical-ling under a supportive tank shirt. The tit-bags stayed in place and I'm impressed. I am thinking a trip to the gym after night classes next week will be my work-out time.

My plan is to pack a bag every night BEFORE bed with gym clothes in it. And keep it in my car. SO I will never have an excuse NOT to go, even if it's just for a 30 minute cardio or some weights.

Tomorrow is orientation for internship at Conifer Park...waaay excited. At aproximately 12:01 on Sunday, my summer is officially over.

unlikely duo

Tonight, I'm going for Indian food with my friend Matty, who is studying to be a Catholic priest. Every once in a while, we go on a "date" and talk about life. I look forward to these talks because Matty teaches me some good stuff about faith and I tell him about the horrors of social work. Who knew that a Catholic priest-in-training and a Jewish girl would stay friends after college?

I love Indian food. Love lovelvoelvoelveovoveoe. ummm.

In other news, last night after my 6-midnight shift at the preggo house, I went to the gym. I went for only 35 minutes, but I felt better working out. I couldn't use Bruno because I have heat rash all over my belly from frying in the sun this weekend...since my tummy hasn't seen the light of day since 1998.

I started lifting and I yawned every five seconds. But by the end of my 20 mins cardio, I was wide eyed and ready to take on the world and not my bed. I CAN exercise after my day but I am lousy at purposely waking UP to work it out. I was home, showered and in bed by 1:15 am.

I am very tired right now. I hope I don't go face down in my curry veggies. Poor Matty.

one of my favorite postsecrets

OK, so it's a little off the topic of fitness & weight loss & being frustrated with not being a skinny bitch. But postsecret is one of my all time favorite websites; has been for the last 3 years. Tomorrow night, I'm beginning a project with my preggo girls that I got as an idea from my friend Devan. I am bringing them my post-secret books (I own all four) and I'm making them read the books (my idea). Then on Wednesday, I'm bringing in white crayons & paper & watercolor paints (Devan's project that she does with her clients). I'm going to have the girls write a dream they have for their unborn child on the paper (nothing too personal) and then shuffle up the "secrets." Eventually each girl will have a paper that isn't their own and they will watercolor paint the secret to reveal it...and then comment on the secret by giving advice, encouragement or something along those lines.

I hope they're as excited about this project as I am.

Oh and about me? My weekend was fabulous. I wore a bikini and got tan and relaxed and stuffed my face. I went on a nice after dinner walk this evening for almost an hour. And I'm getting my water in before bed (ummm, not my best idea but I'm so dehydrated). Tomorrow will be work 8am-4pm and then work again 6pm-12 am. Bzzzzzz busy busy girl.

my ink blogger

my first tattoo ever...meant to reinforce the fact that I am beautiful (this translates to "beauty" in hebrew) it has also turned out to remind me to find beauty in others
#2, for my mom & me....she raised me by herself and the hearts interlock to symbolize our bond

#3, "Swannita"- meant to show inner and outer beauty (i.e. weight loss, grad school, helping other people)

and finally... # 4

Got her done last night. She hurt like a mofo. Very pleased with the results.
This tattoo is meant to symbolize my journey to the "stars" through "hardship."

memememememememe

• My Native American name: Dances with pregnant girls
• i broke my flip flop tonight getting down with the ladies this evening
• My "Miss America" Contest Talent: parallel parking
• cuz hey, it's what i'm good at besides eating cookies
  
• My current weight: 158.2
  
• up .4 not even a big deal but...kinda P.O.'d about it only because I tried super hard this week with exercise and eating right
  
• On my mind right now: where in the heck I'm going to get my tattoo tomorrow!
• top of foot! ankle! rib cage!
  
• My weekend: will be spent in Rochester, NY @ my college roomie's lake house
  
• drunk drunk in a bikini!
  
• My biggest fear: a toss up between the Burger King Man and pigeons
• i dislike seagulls also

Mmmmhmmmmm. Now I'm tired from working two jobs today.

QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, COMPLAINTS & COMPLIMENTS?

I just had a feeling sharing session (i.e. i complained about what he's doing WRONG or not doing at all instead of acknowledging that I do stupid stuff too) with my boyfriend, where I basically demanded that he compliment me more, in order to boost my self-esteem and feelings of importance to him. He calmly stated that he and his best friend (married, with two beautiful children and a hot skinny wife) noticed that I was looking thinner and had a conversation about it on Sunday. Before I inserted my foot into my mouth, I told him how much nicer it would be for him to tell me those things when he sees them instead of after the fact when I'm yelling and whinning. But why do I need my boyfriend to validate me? I should feel good about myself. But I'm not so sure. I guess I'm still somewhat insecure about my body and my weight.

Usually, when I date someone, I plump up, lose it and then chop off my hair. This relationship has me roughly 10 lbs thinner than I was last summer with long hair. His stock is UP UP UP. I'm so much hotter than I was...ever.

My mind is gearing up for the big changes ahead. I need to slow the brakes and re-focus on what's important, like wearing Bruno UNDER my clothes instead of over. oops.

Tomorrow is weigh in day.

FLAB TO FAB!?

Tattoo is scheduled for 8/14/08 at 5:30 PM. Maybe I'll be 155, maybe not. I want the friggin' ink. In a few short weeks, my life will be OVER and free time will be a thing of the past. The tattoo is mine. I've e a r n e d it. My WW food tracker has the word "tattoo" scribbled all over to remind me this week that I'm being extra good.

Effective Monday 8/25/08 my life will look like this:

• 40 hrs a week of my current case management social work job, working with inner city pregnant and/or parenting and/or at risk youth ages 14-21 (oy vey!!)
• 20 hrs a week of internship at Conifer Park rehab hospital, where I will be counseling adult men in the detoxification unit
• 3 night classes of graduate school (7-10 p)
  
• 1 per diem job as a family care worker in a residence house with pregnant teens (who have a range of mental illness and/or are juvenile delinquents
• 1 comprehensive exam on 9/27/08 that will be testing me on the first 30 credits of my masters in mental health counseling
  
• Commuting to all of my commitments (because that eats up time too!)
  

Not that I'm complaining. This next year will be challenging. I'm glad that my gym is open 24 hours a day, because I can work out whenever. I'm happy that I know how to cook healthy on a budget and in little time. I'm grateful for a boyfriend who isn't up my ass all of the time, who appears to be proud of me for all I'm taking on. And friends who support me (and think I'm crazy). One particular friend of mine, also doing the EXACT same thing as me. Literally. We work the same job, are office mates, grad school colleagues and are doing internship at the same place. So she and I can vent to each other, since NO ONE will understand us.

Now that I'm certain of employment, I can go buy some new clothes. I've given a LOT away and I have always been a sucker for new school outfits. I haven't bought new clothes in FOREVER.

On that note? its beautiful out and me & Bruno are going to the gym. Working tonight with the pregnant girls. Laundry tomorrow. Shopping tomorrow too. Oooh la la.

a new day!

Don't know HOW I did it, but I did it.

Down 2.2 lbs, bringing sexy back at 157.8 lbs

I've also decided that I am NOT a wake up and exercise person. After trying several mornings to try to get straight outta bed and hit the gym, I have failed miserably. If I'm already up? I'm motivated. I tend to like doing my workout at the end of the day, to destress. However, socializing after work blocks that time too. What's a girl to do?

This girl is finishing a breakfast of Kashi GOLEAN! Twiggy things, a banana, skim milk and a delicate splash of sugar free hazelnut coffee mate. MmMmmmm.

the grass is always greener??

Today I read the story of a woman who was pretty much afraid to eat. She worked to overcome that fear and is better off than she was before. Very inspirational.

But me?I bitch, I moan, I complain but I've never stopped to think about the opposite end of the eating spectrum. How scary and out of control someone might feel when they've maintained a weight that works. If I'm feeling weirded out now, how am I going to feel when I hit my target weight? Is food going to become the enemy?? I've been working so hard over this last year to remind myself that food is for nourishment. Food is stupid. AhhhhH!

Maybe today I'll go to WW to weigh-in. Even though I'm certain the number will piss me off.

As for Bruno, we are getting along famously. Bruno is great for sucking in my guts (which probably makes my ab muscles work a little more during a cardio) and keeping my posture correct. I had a little scoliosis and my boobs are heavy (but smaller!?) and I think I am getting a hunch back. He passed cardio and weight lifting/machine workouts with purple colors! Bruno makes me sweat harder in the middle. Bruno gets me weird stares for the meat-head gym dudes who are probably scratching their heads trying to figure out what I'm wearing.

lunch time sneakiness!

I snuck home for lunch, although I ate at my work desk. I cut up a cucumber and two tomatoes and ate that raw. The whole time I moaned for a cheeseburger. With bacon. Or a tuna sandwich. I'm glad my colleague is also a friend.

Today I am trying out Bruno (my stretchy purple buddy from last entry) at the gym. After I call back the lady from Passion Parties to talk business. Did I mention that I'm most likely going to sell sex toys on the side? Think tupperware party, but replace the plastic container with a dildo entitled "G-whiz"...yeah. I think I'll be a natural.

Today is a GYM day must. Grocery shopping maybe tomorrow. Laundry then too? Last night's gym trip got sidelined by a man named Adam. He took me to see the newBatman (awesome, btw) and I couldn't possibly make it to the gym.

I'm off to visit with a chickadee for a home visit.

PS. MizFit I'll tell you all about Bruno later.

homecoming

fatty, fatty with a blog
why did you eat like a hog?

Uhh yeah. Just a tad disappointed in myself this weekend. Went home to visit the mama (she lives 2.5 hours away) I ate pretty healthy but alas, I ate a ton and I ate it all at restaurants and I'm sure I have some moons orbiting my ass after a weekend away. My saving grace was going for a run yesterday morning, and walking around town yesterday afternoon. I get a sticker.

I also bought this at Marshall's (the clothing shoes store) for $6.99:


To be completely honest, it worked really well for me. Sucked me in, made me sweat and made the workout feel a little harder. Plus it's purple and I love purple.

The best compliment I received while home? A tie between "WOW I didn't recognize you!" and "Yo Jill, your boobs got smaller"- this particular gem from my best friend Megan.